“Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new…, all the time, made new…”
~ Amy E. Dean
I was watching a romantic movie last night (one I'd seen probably over 20 years ago) and it occurred to me that back then all I thought about watching that movie was the single fact that they were so “in love”. Now with a few more years on me and a different view of the world I still enjoyed the movie but I thought, “What next? All they have is love. Is that really enough?” Of course I was, as usual, over thinking a basic concept. It was just a movie and just a story and all the story needed was love. But in real life that’s not the case is it?
Driving in to work to supervise an event today the song “All You Need Is Love” came on the radio. How fitting considering what had been on my mind the night before. Love really isn't all you need when it comes to a long term relationship. Love may be the glue that binds at first but it’s not what sustains us. It’s not what feeds us and keeps us going. It’s not what makes it in the long term.
People often say that love conquers all, but what does that really mean? Does it mean that if you love someone, you forgive all their wrongs and stand by their side? Does it mean if you love someone enough, nothing in life can tear you apart – not even the really bad stuff? If love conquers all, it should mean that two people who love each other can overcome any obstacle, right? After all, there is no force stronger than love.
Yet, as powerful as I think love is, I just don’t believe that love conquers all. Sure, love is some pretty good stuff, but to say it conquers all – well, that’s just a bit much. I don’t think love is enough to carry a couple through all the hard times and all the complicated issues in life. Love can serve as a foundation (a very strong foundation), but if that is all you've got, good luck.
Unfortunately, I think so many people end up in failing marriages because they honestly got into it thinking that love was enough. It’s understandable since love can give us this sense of being able to conquer anything. Yet, the truth is, love just reminds us of why we are in a relationship. Love gives us the strength and courage we need to fight for our relationships. It doesn't, however, give us everything we need to make it work.
So, when all is said and done, love just isn't enough. If couples took more time to understand each other a little bit better, and nourish the qualities and skills that can make their partnerships stronger, they would go a lot further as a team. Even something as awesome as love can use a little back up.
So, what else matters if you have love? A lot. In addition to loving someone, no matter how much you do, I think there just has to be more.
So what are some key ingredients needed to help feed a relationship? I think that other elements should include:
You need to be a team.
You need to make sure the other person feels that they can count on you.
You need to communicate well.
You need to respect each other.
You need to be able to laugh at yourself.
You need to roll with the punches.
You need to appreciate each other.
You need to be able to compromise.
And, most importantly, you have to understand that life can get complicated and you want to be with someone who will stand by your side to help you figure it out. You need to know that the person you are with will carry their share of “the load” whether that’s regarding your relationship, parenting, joys, sorrows, or even just the day to day responsibilities of life. It’s not always 50/50. That’s the other thing that people don't get. Some days it’s 80/20 and one person might have more on their plate. But then the next day things will shift and the other person takes up a little more of the slack. The key is to be able to know that you and your partner are going to be there for each other for the long haul. If only one person is putting in the time, energy, and emotion then that is a recipe for disaster. With one person plugged in and the other tuned out, no matter how much love is there, a person can only carry on that way for so long before they reach a breaking point.
Don't get me wrong; I know that loving someone is some pretty powerful stuff. However, my experience has shown me that just loving each other is not enough to carry you through everything that life will throw your way. Love is an excellent foundation. It certainly is needed if your relationship stands a chance. But, it is just a main ingredient, on a list of ingredients, which will make this recipe for your relationship work.
So what do you all think? I just came up with a short list of what I think makes a relationship tick and last for the long haul. But I’d be interested to see what other people have to add. Everyone has a different angle based on their experience in life. So what is yours?
