Having written that opening line, I have to say that I’ve been sitting here for a good ten minutes trying to absorb and process how I feel about that information. I have spent the past 13 years going through a kaleidoscope of emotions when it comes to this day. This year and last year were both very rough. I have discovered that there is no rhyme or reason when it comes to how I feel when this date rolls around every year. But after 13 years of it, I can say that I gained a small amount of perspective over it. The phrase is supposed to be that time heals all wounds. But I think that when it comes to losing someone you love, time doesn’t heal the wound, it just changes it. 13 years ago, I expected to be “over it” by now or to at least have gained some zen-like wisdom about the whole thing. But right now I find myself feeling sad and bitter. I’m sure that 13 years from now I’ll have gained a whole new perspective but for now I think it’s worth hitting the pause button and examining how I’m feeling in this moment.
I think that the past two anniversaries of his death have been particularly difficult because of the amount of time that has gone by and how, when I look at the family that Dad knew when he died, I realize that those people are gone too. We have all changed so much and he is this memory that is frozen in time. I get sad when I see “the kids” (meaning all the nieces and nephews, being so changed and grown up and how Dad would have gotten such a kick out of knowing them. It makes me sad to see Linda being out on her own now and so strong an independent and he can’t see that. We might have had to have bailed in out of jail once or twice during the divorce but he would be so happy to see the journey she’s been on and how much she fought and climbed to get there. And he would be the first to tell her that he knew she had it in her all along. I hate that he doesn’t know Donni, Laurie’s amazing boyfriend. They would have loved each other and perhaps gotten into some trouble together. I’m sad that Dad can’t see how Laurie’s career has grown and is every changing and she is always challenging herself. She is so much like him professionally and he would really be proud of that. I hate that he and Brian can’t have their quiet one on one chats. I don’t know what all they talked about but I know that Brian and my dad both cherished them and Brian must miss that. Dad liked showing Brian how to do various things around the house. Dad would have loved hanging out with Brian, Jim, and Donni and talking about manly pursuits and dreaming big dreams. I hate that Dad didn’t live long enough to see his baby girl, Lisa, retire from the truly spectacular teaching career that he had no doubt that she would have. I’m sad that he can’t see her working now at Barnes and Noble because he would be in there once a week or more and letting everyone know that she was his little girl.
I hate that he only knew his grandkids as babies. Sure, they were cute them but they have grown up to be such extraordinary creatures and the grandkids that he knew are just as frozen in time as he is. I’ll never forget the day that he pointed to Emma and Savannah and, with tears in his eyes, said, “I’m going to miss seeing those two as teenagers. They are going to be quite a pair.” He knew it back then. Don’t get me wrong, all the grandkids are unique, marvelous, special and amazing in their own way. But Emma and Savannah have a special “Goofy Goober” quality that Lisa and I dearly hope that they never ever lose.
Most of all I hate that he can’t see Mom right now. The timing of when he died just didn’t seem fair. They had both worked hard all their lives and, when they retired, they were going to travel and explore and have adventures and Dad was going to make toys in his workshop and Mom was going to paint and they were going to do all the things that they had put aside because they were too busy being parents to four daughters and having careers. But pretty much as soon as (and a little bit before really) Dad retired, he got sick and then sicker and then really sick and mom became his caregiver then before we knew it, it was all over. I hate that he can’t see mom now. He would be so proud of her painting. He would brag to their friends about how he has a wife that walks 5 miles a day and lifts weights and still has the “Best Figure” (an honor bestowed upon her in her high school yearbook). I’m sure that he would have built for her the fanciest painting easel imaginable along with a portable version as well.
This same feeling of time passing hit me this week when we went over to see the giant tree that Mom had to have cut down. Dad will always be a part of this family but life goes on and things change and he is now a person frozen in time. I know that we can keep his memory alive. And I know that we can go out into the world and make a difference inspired by the person he was and in that way he lives on through us and other people. That all sounds great. And most other days I believe that. But on days like today when I’m having trouble being noble all I can think about it how much I would give to have just an afternoon with him to catch up. To show him Mom’s paintings and talk about all the cool things that she’s doing now.
In the long run, I’ve been left with the feeling this week that time doesn’t not always heal all wounds. There are some wounds that, at best, just change over time. I think that some wounds aren’t supposed to completely heal because they become a part of who we are. They shape us and change us and we wouldn’t be the beautifully complicated and interesting people we are today without them. The one thing that I did decide this week is to stop searching for what set limit of time is right for me to finally be all healed and over it. That will never happen. There will be good years and bad years and years that are just in-between. But there is no right answer and that’s okay. This isn’t a wound you can heal, only one you can change.
We love you Dad. We miss you.
My dad’s favorite song is below. I hope you enjoy.
"What A Wonderful World"
"What A Wonderful World"
And his favorite poem.
