If you have teens or tweens in your house, you have had to struggle with the issue of the Poisonous Pal. Mean Girls used to start in High School but these toxic influences seem to be creeping into our children's lives at younger and younger levels. So how do you help your child deal with navigating those Poisonous Pals and Frenemies? The first thing you have to do as a parent is to resist tracking down these kids and whispering a few vague but unprovable threats in their ears. Or maybe that's just me. When it comes to my kids, I could give any Jersey Mobster a run for their money.
So you have identified that your child may have a toxic relationship. Since you have already realized that it's not in your best interest to hire on an older kid to talk some sense into your potential target you have to realize that no matter what you do your children will encounter these people in their lives. You can't control that. But what you can control is how you teach your child to react to these toxic relationships. Give them the tools that they need to identify a Poisonous Pal and then the skills needed to handle a person like that.
Have a talk with your child about the friend and ask them the following question:
"Take the friend you have in question, and ask yourself this: 'How do they make me feel?'"
If it’s anything that strays far from “UH-MAZING”, then your friendship needs some evaluating. Friends should leave you feeling inspired and happy. These are the people who are supposed to put you at ease, help you have fun and deal with the challenges of life. If a friend stresses you out, makes you feel like less of a person or exhausts you, then chances are the relationship is not a healthy one.
It’s sometimes hard to see it when you’re in it, so let me lay out these huge red flags:
Poisonous pals ARE NOT PALS AT ALL, and they often bear these traits:
Consistently Negative
There is always something wrong in this person’s life and there is always something to complain about. When it’s not their parents/school/date ruining their life, then they make an effort to point out what they think is wrong in your life. Toxic friends will go out of their way to either boo-hoo or bring down, whether it’s how they’ll never find a job in this economy or reminding you of all the taxes that come with your new raise.
Have No Respect
These “friends” don’t give a hoot about your boundaries, your needs, or anything, for that matter. All they know is what they need from you and that they expect to get it. No is never an acceptable answer, even if you’re only blowing off your day at the mall together to go spend time with your father who has to undergo surgery for cancer. Seems logical to any normal empathetic person, but poisonous pals are not empathetic, they are selfish. If you ever feel that you can’t say no to them, even for a completely valid and fair reason, then it’s time to start planning your escape route.
Your Worst Critic
We’re hard enough on ourselves, we don’t need help from anyone else! Toxic friends get off on that sort of thing. They love scoffing at every out of place hair, putting down your significant other or attacking your latest attempt at a fashion change. You see, real friends don’t care if your hair is messy. They respect your relationships and– get this– they support your ambitions. Staying in a “friendship” with someone who is constantly making you feel bad about yourself is destructive to every part of your life, even if it’s just having the confidence to get out on the dance floor. But when you have to take that big risk, don’t you want a friend who’s there saying, “You can do it”?
Have A Tragedy Every Day
Poisonous people turn normal, every day problems into national disasters. There is always a pending crisis in these people’s lives, even if it’s just a parent forgetting to put their sheets in dryer. Things like hitting red lights all the way home, which is just a part of five o’clock traffic to most of us, can ruin their entire evening. Their negativity spawns from the smallest thing and then spreads from there.
Always A Victim
In your friendship, does everything seem to be your fault, even if it defies all basic logic? Well, toxic friends have a way of never being guilty and never admit to even the smallest of infractions. There is nothing they can do wrong and any problems that they face were obviously caused by someone else. Poisonous people can’t take responsibility for their own actions and manipulate situations and people to pawn the blame on someone else.
If any of these remind you of one of your “friends,” chances are you are suffering from an unhealthy friendship. But on the inside, you probably already knew that. You know when you are being treated badly, it’s just about recognizing these people’s habits that hurt you and having the conviction to stand up for yourself. That’s the hard part, finally finding your voice and putting your foot down. Most of these toxic friends find ways to be controlling, manipulative and downright scary to challenge even when you know you’re in the right.
So, you realize you have to get out of the friendship, but how?
Here are some tips on moving on:
Don’t Cut Them Off All Of A Sudden
This will probably just enrage them which will end up in a huge blow out that will also probably involve them trash talking you from here to Taiwan and making your life a general hell. It will only exacerbate the situation.
Don’t Try To Fix Them
This is a lost cause that will just leave you exhausted from going in circles. As we already discussed, poisonous people are never at fault. They will find a way to be the victim again and manipulate their way back into control of the relationship. These people will never change until they want to change themselves.
Stick Up For Your Yourself
This is easy once you start setting boundaries and being honest, which are not easy to put in place if you’ve been Drama Queen’s door mat for years, but it must be done. If your toxic friend invites you out and you want to stay in tonight and read, tell them that. Tell them you’ve set aside this time for your new book, a trip to the gym, a nice relaxing soak in the tub after a hard week and stick to it! You’re allowed to live your life.
Also, let these people know when you are not comfortable with the way they are acting. The more you speak up about how it bothers you that they are saying terrible things about your mutual friend, the derogatory things they say about your family or whatever other negative ways they impact you, the more strength you give yourself.
Spend Less Time With Them
Get busy. Focus more on school or making plans with some of your friends that are fun– anything that makes you happy! The more time you spend doing things you enjoy or hanging out with people that make you laugh your butt off, the easier it will be to say no to your toxic friend because you now know how easy it is to be happy and have a good time. The less time you spend with them, the less control they have on you.
Detach Emotionally
Now that you are more than aware of how this person is and you are becoming stronger everyday, the easier it will be to detach yourself from the situation and their negative energy. If you realize these are just unhappy people, the way they put you down or make you feel will not have the power it did before. You will be brave enough to walk away and let go, which is exactly what you need to do.
From there on out, only seek out people that make you feel loved and inspired and all the happiness in the world will be yours! Surround yourself with positivity and life will be positively fabulous!
And remember that it's not an easy thing to step away from these friendships. A truly toxic person is a master at manipulation. They will try every trick in the book to keep you on the hook because they need you to participate in the unhealthy behavior. Being toxic isn't much fun without an audience. They need to pull your strings like a puppet because that control is the reward that they get when they have that power in friendship. But when it comes right down to it, real friends should lift you up, not knock you down. Toxic friends might be there to lift you up but only after they knocked you down to begin with and that's not what friendship is all about.
Be aware, be strong and know that you are worthy of being treated like the exceptional person that you are.
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