Becoming A Grown Up...On Occasion

Oddly enough, I have been working on this story about being an official grown up and twice in the past two days the topic came up, unprompted by me, while talking to other people.  Even though I was only about halfway done writing, I thought it was worth mentioning the coincidence.  Last night I was out with friends and we were talking about how old, and sometimes not old, we feel.  And then today I was talking to my mom and joking with her that she is such a good role model for us because she truly subscribes to the notion that you are only as old as you feel in your own mind.  And we also like to tease her about how often she fusses whenever someone tries to “treat her like some old lady”.  I love her so much for that.

But in all our lives we do reach a day where we look back and realize that we have grown up when it comes to certain things.  If our 20 year old selves could see us now they would probably think that we’re ancient.  This week I’ll be turning 44 and what 20-year-old-me didn't know back then is that, for the most part, I don’t feel that much different.  Sure I've matured and my views have changed with life experience but I still just feel like, well, me.

The truth is, adulthood doesn't pour down on you like a pop-up thunderstorm. It's more like walking through a slow drizzle, the mist gradually building up on your clothes until you suddenly realize "Holy cow, I'm soaked. When did that happen?" It's all about perspective. A change so gradual that you won't even notice it until it just happens.

Even though age is just a number I think that there are 5 key things that you learn as you grow up.  Things that 20-year-old-you didn't quite get but now they seem a lot clearer.

#5. You Become Embarrassed of Your Past Self (And Then You Let It Go)

When you've been out of school for about five years, there's a small, superficial switch that gets flipped, and you look back on those yearbook pictures with sort of a giggling embarrassment. "Oh my God, I can't believe I used to dress like that! Look at my hair! I can't believe I ever thought an ozone killing layer of hairspray was a good idea." After you get a few more years of life and work under your belt, another switch gets flipped -- this one much deeper to your core, and there is no giggling about it.

That's when you start to really examine the way you acted and the beliefs that you awkwardly blurted out during a time when you were still just learning the most basic education that school systems have to offer. You think of your old worldviews and philosophies, backed by exactly zero experience, and you cringe. What you wouldn't give to travel back in time and kick your own ass. That's what happens when you store your old awkward poetry online.

The problem that I (and many other people) have is that we tend to hold on to those ridiculous, embarrassing times and beat ourselves up over it. That's not healthy. Now don't get me wrong. If there's some sort of psychological benefit to telling yourself "I'm no longer going to let my past stress me out," then by all means do that. But for most of us, letting go just sort of happens as you make peace with the fact that, yes, you used to be the type of person you'd personally throw rocks at. But not anymore.














No, seriously, let's sit down with our past selves and discuss politics and religion. It'll be fun!

That doesn't mean that you forget the past. Far from it. You just stop letting it dictate how you feel today. Because the longer you stew on that stuff, the harder it is to get control of the reins and steer life the way you want it to go.

#4. You Start Double Thinking Your Actions

Saying "You start double thinking your actions" sounds a little weird at first because you learn to weigh consequences at a pretty young age. "If I touch the stove, it will burn me." The difference between a child and an adult doing this, though, is that as a kid, the consequences are generally pointed inward. “What happens to me if I tell the teacher she's a hag?”

You know you've made a huge step toward adulthood when you start regularly thinking about how your words and actions affect other people. Especially when dealing with anger.
No, you're probably not going to master this because you're not Gandhi, and there are going to be situations that are well beyond your means to control. But under most circumstances, we're able to see in advance how our actions are going to make the situation better or worse because our experiences have taught us enough about human nature to fairly accurately predict the next step in the Karma Dance.

"Karma Dance, Karma Dance - Everybody takin' the cha-a-a-ance"

That's why I know 50-year-old people who I'll never label as adults. Those are the ones who know the steps and outcomes, but they use that knowledge as a weapon. You've met plenty of them -- people who know exactly what button to push in order to suck you into a full-blown, rage-fueled argument. They use their experiences for aggression, to get that adrenaline fix that comes with anger and confrontation. Those aren't the actions of an adult. They're the actions of a temperamental, selfish child.

That's why it's up to you as an adult to learn how to let certain things go. Like smartass remarks that serve no other purpose than to goad you into a confrontation. Someone trying to argue with you about something you have 100 times more knowledge and experience with. Someone trying to move in on your clearly marked gang territory.

Of course, you could take that a step further if you go the opposite direction: knowing that your actions, while having no benefit to you, will help someone else. Giving a couple of dollars to a good charity. Helping an old lady with her groceries. It's still double thinking, just in a way that non-adults aren't normally known for.

#3. You Stop Following Through on the Desire to Break Stuff

Ladies, you'll have to pardon me for a second on this one, because I see this far more frequently in guys. At the very least, it might help you understand some of the stories that your guy and his friends reminisce about.

On a physical scale, there's a phase that boys go through where they get destructive urges, like vandalism. Maybe it's nothing big, like soaping windows on Halloween or smashing toys with hammers, or throwing bricks through windows. But the urge is there, and mastering that urge is a learned process. In those real-world cases, the kid has parents, teachers, police, and peers to step in and put a stop to it. They're taught consequences, and they eventually shape those lessons into engrained morals ... if we're lucky.

#2. You Learn Ways to Make Responsibility Suck Less

One day at your job you suddenly notice that you start to view menial tasks as stepping stones to something better and not grunt work that gets you nowhere. The more responsibility you take on, the more you grow in money and power. Yes, you're just packing boxes at the local warehouse, but do it better than everyone else, and now you're supervising other packers. Supervise better than the other supervisors, and now you're managing. Manage better than the other managers, and now you are the king of Cuba. Or whatever they have as a ruler there. I don't know how it’s done there, but I'm pretty sure that's the way it works.

This is a perspective that changes out of necessity because if you looked at every responsibility as a personal torture, you'd let your life go to hell and/or go insane. And putting a finish line on an otherwise crappy chore isn't just some BS optimistic hippie talk. It's a direct answer to the question "Why am I doing this?" If the answer is ever "Because I have to," maybe it's time to re-evaluate the task or your outlook on life, because one of them is a problem.

#1. You Realize That it Actually Matters to People if Something Happens to You

Fair warning: This isn't the cheeriest rule. I'll do my best to keep it light, but if it wasn't important, I wouldn't bring it up.

My dad died at age 68. He was a diabetic and, to be honest, he didn't respect the disease.  My mom did, a lot.  I’m not trying to speak ill of my father or of the departed but that was 13 years ago and it took me getting the disease to appreciate fully what my mom went through.  And then I was angry that I lost my dad when I was 30 because he was too stubborn to value himself or his role in our lives.  I know if he could do it over he would.  But he can’t and that’s the point.  He may be the one that’s gone but we are the ones left with the void of someone dying too young when they could have done something about it.

What really scares me is that I easily see on Facebook dozens of articles and messages from young people saying that they are/were thinking about hurting themselves or committing suicide.  And there is no way for us to convey to them the amount of people they're about to screw over by doing that because in their current state of mind, they feel genuinely alone. They can't see the chain reaction of guilt, anger, sadness, and regret that mushrooms out like a nuclear explosion when something like that happens. And they definitely don't understand that no amount of reassurance in their note will convince a single person that it wasn't their fault.  They don't realize that every person they've spoken to feels the crushing grip of failure every time they think of what happened. "I know I could have said or done something to prevent it.

I fully realize that plenty of adults go through this -- it's not a teenagers-only deal. But when you're an adult, all of that is on your shoulders, which means you have to recognize that the situation isn't normal, and you have to get up and pursue a cure yourself. Because adults get stuff fixed, including themselves.  So whether it’s an emotional problem or a physical problem, part of moving from 20-year-old-you thinking to grown up thinking is realizing that you can’t just wallow in your own drama or ignore important health problems because you know that you aren't the only one that can get hurt.

And for the finale...

The video below was a favorite in my family.  We listened to this in the car on every single trip we took.  It’s a song I find myself humming often while going about my daily grown up life.  I think that 20-year-old-me would be happy to know grown up me and to see that, even though I have grown up and out of some things, I still “Stay On The Sunny Side”.  I hope you enjoy it!  It's super corny but worth the time.