Talk - Relationship's Four Letter Word

Whenever a group of women get together the subject of relationships and communication usually end up on the table for discussion.  To start with, there is a phrase or perhaps a better word for it would be a “disclaimer” that all of us have heard at one point and it just drives us insane. This statement I hear in reference to their current romantic partner or spouse is some variation of, Hey! What does she want? It's not like I beat her, cheat on her, or come home drunk every night.  And I’m happy so I don’t really see what the problem is because I’m not the one that’s unhappy with the situation.  

Really? If that was the only requirement for a good marriage or romantic relationship then I think you are setting the bar pretty low for yourself.  And believe me, it takes two to tango so if your partner is miserable then you have some ownership there.  Especially if one person is hurt and angry and the other person just shrugs it off saying that they are fine with how things are.  If you are at that point, you might need to brace yourself for some inevitable changes in your current relationship/marriage.  Let's be really serious here; women need so much more in order to stay in love with their man.  But the good news is that we aren’t as complicated as you think.  I know that, when faced with a problem, all men want to know is how to fix it.  And that’s all good because that’s what makes you all tick.  But sometimes women need a bit more than just solutions when they want to be heard.  So, how about we take a few minutes and really look at what a woman really wants from her man.   

To feel loved  
Simply put, women need to feel loved. A women feels loved when she is number one in her partner's life. She needs to know he values her over the job, friends, coworkers, hunting, golf, his mom, and the kids. If a woman perceives she takes second place in any area of her man's priorities, she will start to build a wall that protects her emotionally. She will pull away and not see her man as a safe person she can trust with all of her vulnerabilities.

Non-sexual touch  
Touch is very important to women, but if they feel every touch leads to sex she will begin to not touch her man or be unwilling to receive his touch. They want to experience freely the touch that is only reserved for romantic relationships, but if her man believes the only purpose for that type of touch is foreplay, she often stops touching because she feels devalued.

Partner  
Women want to be married to a man, not another kid. They want someone who shares in the day-to-day responsibility of life, the home, chores, the kids, finances, and everything else having a life entwined entails. Woman want to know they can count on their man to pick up the slack where needed, have a partner who will help make decisions, and want to be with someone they do not have to nag. They did not get married to care for a grown adult, but to have a partner who will share in and be a part of their lives.

Equality 
Studies have shown the best relationships are those that value and practice equality. Equality goes hand-in-hand with partnership, but requires even more effort. Equality means viewing each other as equal partners, not one dominant over the other, and seeing that the contributions of each are equally valued in the relationship.

Affirmative words  
Women have soft skin that men love to touch. Just like our skin, our hearts are soft too. Women can be crushed very easily by a harsh word or look, cruel teasing, or a sharp voice tone. We hear too often how we do not measure up. All we have to do is open a magazine, turn on the TV, or go to the make-up counter in a retail store. This is not to say you can never give criticism. Criticism, given with love and delivered kindly, is a gift. Critiquing one another in order to force them into the mold you want is theft; it steals their self-esteem.

To Be Heard and Acknowledged
First and foremost, nearly any woman loves an attentive man who values her thoughts, opinions, and feelings. You’ve probably heard it numerous times, but it’s the truth: Women want to feel heard and considered seriously. It’s not that a woman is just looking for someone to agree with her. She wants to know that how she approaches life has an impact on him; she wants to know that her ideas have been taken in and digested… hence she matters and makes a difference. 

Now to offer my own disclaimer, I’m in no way an expert on this topic.  It all boils down to communication and I have made my fair share of mistakes in that department.  But I base most of what is said above on my own experience and that of my lady friends.  What it really comes down to is that we want to be heard and we want to be loved.  And we don’t want to hear, “Well you KNOW I love you.”  Really?  Because “Psychic” isn’t on my resume last time I checked.  Show it in your words and actions. 

In parting I have just a few words for you ladies out there.  Your man isn’t psychic either.  You can’t just expect him to absorb your needs by osmosis just because he’s in the same room with you.  We have to communicate our needs or all the things I talked about above are just flat out not going to work.  I know a woman who was furious with her husband because he didn't send flowers on her birthday.  I said, “Well in the past few weeks did you make mention of the fact that flowers might be a sweet gesture?”  “No.”  Well there you go!  It takes time for a partner to learn what things make your heart melt and what things make you want to change the locks in the house.  This communication thing is a two way street.  You have to quit hoping that your man will magically know what you want.  And you men need to quit putting everything into two categories:  1.Things I Can Fix  2. Everything Else.  There is a little more to it than that. 

Women want to be heard and feel needed.  Hopefully something you read here helps.  Now get out there and communicate and love each other!