You ARE Worthy

It has been said that we get our ideas of our own self worth from the people in our lives that mean the most to us. We can also get our beliefs about ourselves from those we meet casually or even just once. Impressions that people make on us can have a profound impact on our self image. In other words, if the people in our lives give us a sense that they love us and we mean something to them, then we feel like we have value and are worth something.

The problem with that thinking is that over the course of time people's feelings change. People's opinions can shift. If you truly base your own self worth on someone else's perspective, what might happen to you (mentally) if those same people turn their backs on you? What might you do if one of those people is your spouse and now they want a divorce? How do you reconcile the fact that the person who promised to love you forever, no longer does? 

How do you judge your self worth if you've been laid off of fired from a job you hard at and meant a great deal to you?  What do you do when even if only subconsciously, the person you have entrusted with your self worth moves away, leaves you, lets you down, or dies?

People also have a bad habit of attributing their sense of worth and self esteem to the material things they have been able to achieve in life, or more to the point; what they have not been able to achieve. People often have a skewed perception that the accumulation of money, wealth and things puts a higher value on their own lives. Things don't make people happy nor do they raise or lower your own value.

Believing that your self worth comes from others or other things can be problematic. You can be trapped in a vicious cycle of never living up to your own potential because you are constantly searching in the wrong direction to get the approval from those that matter in your life. You are not here on Earth to live your life through other people. This is your life and you have the God-given right to live it as you please. If you spend your life trying to always accumulate the next big electronic that hits the market or that new car in the showroom, you will never have the time to sit back and enjoy what you already have. Instead you will be a complainer. Always voicing your opinion about what is not right with the stuff you have. "I wish I had this," and "I need this". You are so worried about what other people have compared to you. You'll wind up a bitter, unhappy person that most people won't even want to be around.

Your self worth should never be determined by what other people think. You are not a commodity whose value changes with the whim of a fickle market. There is nothing wrong with you when people reject you or people hurt you. Have you lost the value that you had yesterday because today someone no longer wants to be your friend? No, I suspect the problem might be with the other person. Are you somehow worth less today than you were yesterday because someone today cursed you out? Of course not. You are the same special person you have always been. Their opinion has changed or their feelings but you haven’t changed.

Never allow what others say about you or what someone does to you to affect the way you feel about yourself. There is not another you anywhere else in existence. When people let you down. When things don’t go your way. When people curse you, bless them. When people reject you, know that you deserve to be loved just the way you are. By putting a stop to the ugliness and bitterness that causes them to act the way they do you prevent their words and actions from dragging you under.  You should never let someone else’s attitude problem or their hatred tear you down. 

Don’t believe me? Have you ever been in a great mood only to lose it when someone in a bad mood enters the room and their mood permeates the room? Now their behavior and attitude has rubbed off on everyone else. You’ve allowed someone else to dictate to you what kind of mood to have. 

Turn the tables on them and don’t allow them to affect you. Ignore them. Concentrate on what is good in life. Instead of letting that person dictate your actions, you be in control and affect their mood for the better.

Don’t allow other people to determine your self worth. Don’t let your circumstances dictate to you your self esteem. Don’t allow Hollywood, the internet, your spouse, your parents, your children or even your own perception of yourself to determine your self worth. You need to know that your inner beauty far out weighs what people see on the outside. Your compassion and empathy towards others far surpass your self loathing or self pity.

Understand that you don’t need permission from someone else to know that you are worthy.  You are worthy simply “because” and not for any other reason.  Don’t wait for someone to bestow that upon you.  Gift yourself with the knowledge that no one can give or take away your worth.  


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Do We Really “Just Need Love”?

“Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new…, all the time, made new…” 

~ Amy E. Dean

I was watching a romantic movie last night (one I'd seen probably over 20 years ago) and it occurred to me that back then all I thought about watching that movie was the single fact that they were so “in love”.  Now with a few more years on me and a different view of the world I still enjoyed the movie but I thought, “What next?  All they have is love.  Is that really enough?”  Of course I was, as usual, over thinking a basic concept.  It was just a movie and just a story and all the story needed was love.  But in real life that’s not the case is it?  

Driving in to work to supervise an event today the song “All You Need Is Love” came on the radio.  How fitting considering what had been on my mind the night before.  Love really isn't all you need when it comes to a long term relationship.  Love may be the glue that binds at first but it’s not what sustains us.  It’s not what feeds us and keeps us going.  It’s not what makes it in the long term.  

People often say that love conquers all, but what does that really mean? Does it mean that if you love someone, you forgive all their wrongs and stand by their side?  Does it mean if you love someone enough, nothing in life can tear you apart – not even the really bad stuff? If love conquers all, it should mean that two people who love each other can overcome any obstacle, right?  After all, there is no force stronger than love.

Yet, as powerful as I think love is, I just don’t believe that love conquers all.  Sure, love is some pretty good stuff, but to say it conquers all – well, that’s just a bit much. I don’t think love is enough to carry a couple through all the hard times and all the complicated issues in life.  Love can serve as a foundation (a very strong foundation), but if that is all you've got, good luck.

Unfortunately, I think so many people end up in failing marriages because they honestly got into it thinking that love was enough.  It’s understandable since love can give us this sense of being able to conquer anything. Yet, the truth is, love just reminds us of why we are in a relationship.  Love gives us the strength and courage we need to fight for our relationships.  It doesn't, however, give us everything we need to make it work.

So, when all is said and done, love just isn't enough.  If couples took more time to understand each other a little bit better, and nourish the qualities and skills that can make their partnerships stronger, they would go a lot further as a team.  Even something as awesome as love can use a little back up.

So, what else matters if you have love?  A lot.  In addition to loving someone, no matter how much you do, I think there just has to be more.

So what are some key ingredients needed to help feed a relationship?  I think that other elements should include:

You need to be a team.

You need to make sure the other person feels that they can count on you. 

You need to communicate well.

You need to respect each other.

You need to be able to laugh at yourself.

You need to roll with the punches.

You need to appreciate each other.  

You need to be able to compromise.  

And, most importantly, you have to understand that life can get complicated and you want to be with someone who will stand by your side to help you figure it out.  You need to know that the person you are with will carry their share of “the load” whether that’s regarding your relationship, parenting, joys, sorrows, or even just the day to day responsibilities of life.  It’s not always 50/50.  That’s the other thing that people don't get.  Some days it’s 80/20 and one person might have more on their plate.  But then the next day things will shift and the other person takes up a little more of the slack.  The key is to be able to know that you and your partner are going to be there for each other for the long haul.  If only one person is putting in the time, energy, and emotion then that is a recipe for disaster.  With one person plugged in and the other tuned out, no matter how much love is there, a person can only carry on that way for so long before they reach a breaking point.   

Don't get me wrong; I know that loving someone is some pretty powerful stuff.  However, my experience has shown me that just loving each other is not enough to carry you through everything that life will throw your way.  Love is an excellent foundation.  It certainly is needed if your relationship stands a chance.  But, it is just a main ingredient, on a list of ingredients, which will make this recipe for your relationship work.

So what do you all think?  I just came up with a short list of what I think makes a relationship tick and last for the long haul.  But I’d be interested to see what other people have to add.  Everyone has a different angle based on their experience in life.  So what is yours?  

The Geography of Hate

Twitter has the capacity to ignite revolutions and enable small acts of kindness, but there's also a darker side to the microblogging network.

Floating Sheep, a group of geography academics, created the "Geography of Hate," which maps racist, homophobic and ableist tweets in the U.S. After searching for all geotagged tweets in North America between June 2012 and April 2013, students at Humboldt State University manually read and coded the sentiment of each tweet to determine if a specific word was used in a positive, negative or neutral way. In a blog post, Floating Sheep cited "dyke" as an example: While the word is a homophobic slur against lesbian people, it can also be used positively (e.g. "dykes on bikes #SFPride).

In total, over 150,000 geotagged tweets contained a hateful slur that was deemed negative. Using the data, Floating Sheep determined the ratio of hateful tweets to overall tweets in each county.

"Hateful tweets were aggregated to the county level and then normalized by the total number of tweets in each county. This then shows a comparison of places with disproportionately high amounts of a particular hate word relative to all tweeting activity," the group said.

Orange County, Calif., for example, has the highest absolute number of tweets containing slurs, but due to its high level of overall Twitter activity, the hateful tweets are less prominent, and therefore are not that conspicuous on the map.

Floating Sheep has three main categories of hateful tweets — homophobic, racist and disability — under which are subcategories for specific slurs. Click through the detailed map, here. And for in-depth analysis of the results, read the entire blog post, here.

I saw this map earlier this week and I was already planning on studying it more thoroughly to be able to post this blog.  Then today my daughter posted this picture:

At first I thought, "Oh wow, that's great!"  Then it hit me that we shouldn't have to have a day set aside to remind us to treat people with respect and dignity no matter what their race, gender, age, or sexuality.  Shouldn't we just know that?  Shouldn't we be beyond this?  Well, look at the map above and obviously we aren't.  Not by a long shot.  How about we have a "Don't Be Afraid of Someone Just Because They Are Different Than You" Day?  

We need to learn to not be threatened by someone whose opinion is different than our own.  And that falls on all sides of the spectrum.  You have gay folks judging Christians because they automatically assume that they are not an ally.  And then again you have Christians whose hearts might be a little more open if they would stop and listen and understand that the "gay agenda" does not include the overthrow of any of their institutions. Your church will still be your church and no one is going to come in and change it.  You still get to believe what you want to believe.  

So for all those people above Tweeting and hiding behind the anonymity that the internet provides I would ask that you consider the following before you fill the internet with your vitriol and hate:

Stop The Persecution 101 

• Please do not use the bible, hell, or any other religious beliefs to try to prove your argument or to disprove someone else's argument.  We should only impose our religious beliefs on ourselves, not on others.  Plus, no one completely and totally lives the bible as written.  For every verse you can find I can find another that shows your faults, flaws, and sins.  Let's go beyond not throwing the stones and just leave them on the ground in the first place.
  
• Please refrain from using the 'slippery slope argument' (ie. "if we allow gay couples to live freely and give them the same marital rights that heterosexual couples enjoy, we open the door to paedophilia and beastiality". Not only is comparing homosexuality to a sexual perversion totally unacceptable and unfair, it is an erroneous and foolish assumption.
  
• History tells us Black people were enslaved, persecuted and killed due to hate until it became not so fashionable. Gay people are as I write, being persecuted and killed due to hate. So what's the difference?  Stop and think about what you are saying and ask yourself what side of history you want to be on.  There was a time not so long ago that bi-racial marriage was illegal and people fought for change then just as we fight for change now.  

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

To see more MLK Quotes Click Here.  

30 Things My Mother Taught Me A Million Times

I sat down to make a list of things that my mother has taught me to use as part of this blog post.  I think I could have made a list of 100 or more things easily.  I thought that making an endless list was too easy.  After all, she has taught me so many things.   So I tried to limit myself to a list of 30 things I have heard (or was supposed to hear) over the years.  

My mother has always been a great source of good solid information.  Things like "If you push up on the bottoms of chocolates you can see what kind they are without anyone knowing."  Don't worry Mom, that didn't make the list.  But still, it's good advice.  And one of so many good memories and bits of humor and wisdom that you have passed down over the years.  See, people always think that humor was Dad's department but this woman has a wicked sense of humor.  She has a dry sense of humor.  A superb British comedy sense of humor.  Dad may have let me watch "Benny Hill" but Mom introduced me to "Mr. Bean".  Don't laugh, that show is deeper than it seems.  

All in all I was able to come up with a list of 30 things that I have heard on more than one occasion.  Now, did I always listen to each and every one?  I have not but the one's that I skipped over I sure do wish that I hadn't.  It took me longer to get the hang of some of them.  But darn her she was right about all of them and quite a few that didn't make the list.  

So here it is.  "30 Things My Mother Taught Me A Million Times":

1. Above all else, never be ordinary or say that you are bored.  Only boring people get bored.
2. Always put your husband above your children. Children grow up and leave, but you've got to live with your husband forever.

3. You cannot reason with children.

4. Get a good job and stay there.

5. A good bra is your best friend.

6. Always turn the lights off when you leave a room. It saves electricity and helps keep the house cooler.

7. Old towels make great dishtowels when they get thin and ragged. Old dishtowels make great dishrags when they get thin and full of holes. Old dishrags should be used for working on cars and washing machines when they get too thin for washing dishes. Never throw away old towels.

8. Always eat the parsley they put on your plate in restaurants, it is packed with vitamins, and freshens your breath.

9. Mercurochrome, Calamine Lotion and Vaseline will cure anything.

10. Practice moderation in all things.

11. Stand up straight, pull your shoulders back, and keep your chin up.

12. Never buy anything until it goes on sale.

13. Our life is made up of small moments, never be too busy to enjoy them.

14. Understand that you can not spend more money that you make and continue to be happy.

15. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

16. Procrastination robs you of your happiness and the satisfaction of a job well done.

17. No matter how painful a situation you will feel better someday and it is often sooner than you think.

18. Your health matters, never take it for granted.

19. Make good food a priority in your life.

20. People will judge you on how you look so always be aware of how you present yourself.

21.  Be curious, about life and people. Things are not always how they seem.

22. Always be polite and kind to the people that serve you, they take as much pride in their work as you do in yours.

23. You can't do it all by yourself all the time.

24. Keep everything you own in good repair.

25. Keep up to date with what is going on in the world, stay informed.  Today’s news will become tomorrow’s Moments in History.  Pay attention.

26. Successful people learn from other people's successes and admire them instead of envying them.

27. Moisturize.  You can never have too much of a good moisturizer.

28. The most valuable thing you own is your word.  Protect it with all your might because, once you lose it, it’s the most difficult thing to earn back.

29. Don’t be afraid to be a strong woman.  It’s sometimes not easy to live your life as a woman known for being “strong willed” but in the end you will have less regrets.

30. All you ever really have is your family.

I love you Mom.  Happy Mother's Day!  Thank you for being strong and amazing and quirky and beautiful and warm and loving and "strong willed" and competitive and bold and most of all for just being YOU.  

PS.  31.  Tofu is good and good for you. (You were right about that one.)
The jury is still out on okra though.  

Celebrating Teachers

According to the Holiday Insights website, the first Tuesday of the first full week in May is always National Teacher Appreciation Day (sometimes called National Teachers Day). This year, that means that today is the day to celebrate the teachers in your life. From kindergarten teachers to college professors, today is a specific day to appreciate their work. Whether that is because you are a student or maybe you are married to or otherwise related to a teacher or even a friend to one, today is the day that you should take time to celebrate their commitment to a profession that is crucial for the advancement of society and knowledge.

The National Education Association (NEA) website explains the history of National Teacher Day:

“The origins of National Teacher Day are murky. Around 1944 Arkansas teacher Mattye Whyte Woodridge began corresponding with political and education leaders about the need for a national day to honor teachers. Woodridge wrote to Eleanor Roosevelt, who in 1953 persuaded the 81st Congress to proclaim a National Teacher Day.  NEA, along with its Kansas and Indiana state affiliates and the Dodge City (Kan.) Local, lobbied Congress to create a national day to celebrate teachers. Congress declared March 7, 1980 as National Teacher Day for that year only.  NEA and its affiliates continued to observe National Teacher Day in March until 1985, when the NEA Representative Assembly voted to change the event to Tuesday of the first full week of May.”

Obviously, this day has special importance to me since my sister, Lisa, is a teacher and my mom was on the School Board for many years.  I also have several dear friends who teach in ages ranging from Pre-School on through High School and even Sunday School.   I think that appreciation for educators in all forms was and is highly valued in my family.  We know that teaching doesn't mean that "it's nice to have summers off" or  "it must be great to be off work by 3 every day" or "I wish I got to have all those holidays and snow days".  No, in my family we know the truth.  If you took all the hours that a teacher REALLY puts in and then divided that through 12 months, you'd understand that we are the ones who have it easy.  Teaching is hard, unappreciated, misunderstood, often maligned, and let's not even start talking about having to deal with the parents.  I don't have enough space here for that topic.  But teaching is also rewarding, occasionally miraculous, enriching, and we should all thank the gods above for creating those special people who are called to enter into this profession.

Teaching deserves daily recognition, of course, but sometimes we need a day set aside to remind ourselves to appreciate those who have taught us, are teaching us, or will soon teach us. Teaching is a profession that people should pursue out of a love for their subject and for helping others connect to and learn about that subject. Teaching is a commitment to others. Today is a day to recognize and appreciate that.  Take a moment today to share a story about your favorite teacher.  Tweet about it or Facebook it or just get it out there however you feel inspired to do so.  What is your favorite school memory?  What teacher said or did something that you still carry with you to this day?  

And if you’re related to a teacher, take time today to hug, kiss, and thank them. Without teachers, life would be decidedly more difficult. Learning would take longer, be more frustrating, and be more an individual experience as opposed to a society one. Teachers commit their careers to helping others reach their goals and learn about the past, present, and future.

Teachers do more than just provide us the path to knowledge. They become our counselors, mentors, friends, and family. They help us find our passions while also providing protection and love.

Today, I will be thanking all the teachers I know. Hopefully, so will you.

The pictures below are for my sister, Lisa, who has an almost unnatural obsession with newly packaged office and school supplies.  :)  I knew you would really love these!

 

Do Ants Rent Rooms By The Hour?

About this time last year I remember coming home to find giant swarms of flying bugs in our front bushes.  I knew they weren't termites but I'd never seen anything like it.  There were literally THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of them.  After a little research, I discovered that they were called Citronella Ants and what they were doing was a mating swarm and it only happens once a year.  They are harmless and the phenomenon is actually considered to be a big to-do in the bug world.  As in, it's not every day that you get to witness it because they do their thing for about 4-6 hours and then off they go.  The males have wings (pictured below) and the females do not (pictured above).  From what I understand, the thing that makes them really extraordinary is that they spend their entire existence living underground in deeply dug and completely self-sustained colonies.  But once a year they come above ground to find a bush and pretty much turn it into a huge buggy nightclub of swarmy mating celebrations.  They are called Citronella Ants because if you crush them they give of a very pleasant lemony smell.  I'll have to take their word on this because:
1. I'm not going to kill a bug just to see if it smells good
2. I don't kill bugs that crunch when you squish them

I could do an entire blog on why number 2 there is an absolute deal breaker rule for me but we will save that for another time.  So the first time I saw this event I was a bit freaked out by it because I didn't understand what it was and swarms of bugs generally aren't good things.  Turns out it's good to have these guys because they dig deep and keep the soil healthy.  But last year I kept my distance.

This year I had planned on planting all day on Saturday and some wild bug sex wasn't going to keep me from it.  But unlike last year, this year I embraced the event and took my water breaks by sitting on the step right next to the biggest bush.  They didn't bother me and I didn't bother them.  We just communed.  They flew around my head and face and I would sometimes lean in for a close look.  They really are quite beautiful.  I've never seen an insect like this before.

I found myself taking extra breaks just to be able to sit and watch some more.  It reminded me of the time that the kids and I saw an orb spider weaving a web at night with the web back-lit by a street lamp.  We brought chairs out and watched the whole thing.  

I think that when those special little moments in nature are put in front of us that we sure better remember to take the time to stop and pay attention.  Whatever you want to call them "God Moments" or "Mother Nature Moments", they are there for a reason and it's up to us to be on the lookout.  It reminds me of my favorite exchange in Alice Walker's "'The Color Purple".

Shug: More than anything God love admiration.

Celie: You saying God is vain?

Shug: No, not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off when you walk by the colour purple in a field and don't notice it.

Celie: You saying it just wanna be loved like it say in the bible?

Shug: Yeah, Celie. Everything wanna be loved. Us sing and dance, and holla just wanting to be loved. Look at them trees. Notice how the trees do everything people do to get attention... except walk?

I'm not sure if swarming bug sex is as lofty a sight as a field full of purple flowers but you get the idea.  No matter what it is a rare moment in nature and was certainly worth taking the time to watch.

It also puts me in mind of my sister Lisa's favorite quote from Mr. Hendrickson (Mo) :) 
"Isn't nature MAR-velous?"

The Houston Inn ~ An Icon and Living Legend

This past Saturday was the day that my dad passed away 12 years ago.  Today was the day of his funeral service.  The weather today reminded me of what it was like the day he died.  It was gorgeous.  I mean it was absolutely the peak of Spring.  Lilacs were in full bloom and everything was just so lush.  It seemed like everything in nature on that particular day was just bursting.  I remember sitting on the driveway with my sisters while we were waiting for the coroner and thinking that it seemed so surreal for the sky to be so blue, the clouds so fluffy and for the air to be thick with the smell of Spring flowers when we were all sitting there trying to process what happened.

I've been feeling a bit blue the past few days thinking about my dad and missing him.  Some years this time comes and goes and I think about it but it's just another day and I think of fond memories of Dad.  Then some years it's hard and hits you in the gut like you've been sucker punched.  The real kicker is that there seems to be no way of knowing whether or not it's going to be a good year or a bad year.  I've learned to just take it as it comes and not fight it.  It is as it is supposed to be, or so it seems.  Tonight Jim decided to take me to the Houston Inn to eat.  I haven't been there since I lived at home and Mom and Dad and I went there all the time.  That place has not changed one single bit and I absolutely LOVED it.  It was like stepping back in history.  Savannah tripped on the little ramp on the way in just like I always used to.  I have so many good memories of going there with Mom and Dad.  We would sit in the lounge while they had a cocktail and I munched on the individually wrapped Club crackers.  The dining room is exactly the same.  And I don't mean sort of the same, I mean EXACTLY the same.  Same mirrors, same art, same china cups and plates with the old-timey red pattern on them, and same maroon paper place mats at each and every table.  

Now, when we went there when I was a kid, I always thought it was a super fancy fine dining place.  I mean, with all those gilded mirrors and shiny glass grapes how could you assume any less?  As an adult I realized that what the Houston Inn has to offer is a kick-ass salad bar and very reasonably priced American comfort food.  No frills needed.  And if my mom is reading this, yes I had my pickled watermelon and lots of pickled beets.  She knows how special that was for me.  

What the Houston Inn offers is comfort.  The waitresses know their customers names and they treat you like family.  For me, it was like being a kid again.  I could almost hear Dad going back and forth trying to make the tough decision between the frog legs and the liver and onions.  I could hear mom talking about how it's all just so much food and that she would be happy just with the delights and tasty treats at the salad bar.  All of us always ended up making so many trips to that salad bar that most of our meals ended up getting packed up in to go boxes for lunch the next day.  

While we were there I told Savannah about how my dad loved stewed tomatoes so much that Lou Eves would keep them stocked just for him years after they were not a part of the official menu.  But every time we went there was a little bowl there of stewed tomatoes for Dad.  At Dad's visitation there on a pedestal amongst the flowers was a can of stewed tomatoes from his friend Lou Eves and that can made it into his coffin.  Well that and about 40 pounds of other various items.  :)  It was nice sharing that story.  

Going back there was the balm that my spirit needed.  As if I got to step back into a living breathing moment in time and sit there with memories that were as warm an comforting as a favorite old robe.  Okay, so it might not be super fancy fine dining but that's okay because that's not really in the budget right now anyway.  But I got to take Savannah around and show her the gilded mirrors and my favorite paintings, and that big horse picture that's on the wall as you go into the bar.  And every single bit of it was worth it.  Even if I didn't have the frog legs, Dad, because no they don't taste like chicken.  

So raise a glass to wonderful memories, wonderful family, wonderful places, and most of all to a wonderful world.