A Judge By Any Other Name...

A friend of mine likes to joke that dying will be a relief because it will put an end to the “heavy burden of judging” as she calls it. She envisions herself lying in a hospital bed and, moments before death, noticing the ceiling and thinking, “What a hideous green.”

Here’s a proposal: Vow that for the rest of the day, you won’t judge your friends and you won’t judge any strangers you happen to see. This would include a friend who’s a non-stop talker; it would include a friend who’s always complaining about his life. It would include the strangers you pass on the street or see in a waiting room.

I’m a bit of a “bi-polar” judger because I can be quick to snap to judgment but then there is that instant flash of guilt where I swing back the other way and become super accepting.  In doing so I guess I feel like I'm making up for my initial instinct.

So, why not just “judge away?”

To answer that, let me start by drawing a distinction between judgment and discernment. Discernment means perceiving the way things are, period.

Judgment is what we add to discernment when we make a comparison between how things or people are and how we think they ought to be. So, in judgment, there’s an element of dissatisfaction with the way things are and a desire to have things be the way we want them to be.

Take that talkative friend. To think or speak in a neutral, purely descriptive tone, “She can talk non-stop for 15 minutes,” is an example of discernment—assuming the assessment is accurate, we’re just describing the way things are.

On the other hand, to think or speak in a negative tone, “She can talk non-stop for 15 minutes,” is an example of judgment because that negative tone reveals our dissatisfaction with how she is and our desire for her to be different.

The same analysis applies to the complaining friend. If we say, “He complained about this life the entire evening,” depending on our tone, it could be a neutral observation (discernment) or it could reflect our dissatisfaction with him and our desire for him to be different (a judgment).

Now think about strangers. If you’re like me, there’s almost always a subtle judgment waiting in the wings. “She could stand to lose some weight.” “Doesn’t he know how to pick a tie that goes with a shirt?”

So, again, why not just “judge away”? Recall that in judgment, there’s an element of dissatisfaction with the way things are and a desire to have things (in my examples: people) be the way we want them to be.

It doesn’t mean we have to hang out with someone who talks more than we’d like or who does nothing but complains about his life. But we can make the choice about whether to be with them without judging them. When we do, it feels good; it has that peaceful quality of letting go of clinging to the way we want people to be.

As for those strangers, maybe the woman I saw has a medical condition that results in weight gain, or maybe she eats to deal with uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps the man was wearing the only tie he owns. Judging them did nothing to ease their suffering, and it certainly didn’t ease mine.

Now try this experiment. Think about a couple of friends who annoy you in some way. Can you let them be the way they are without desiring them to be otherwise? Sticking with my two examples, can you open your heart to her talkativeness or to his constant complaining?

Judging is such a well-ingrained response that I hardly notice when I’m doing it, so I know I have a lifetime of conditioning to overcome. But it’s worth it because when I don’t judge, I feel the benefits in both my mind and my body: I feel as light as a feather.

I truly hope I can shed that heavy burden of judging before that moment in the hospital bed when I’m starring at the green ceiling!

We Did What As Kids?

I recall baby-proofing not being quite what it is today. Not just baby proofing but parenting in general.  I was reminded today, after seeing a picture posted on Facebook, that there were so many things that were just a part of our everyday kid lives that probably wouldn't fly in today's parenting world.  Some changes may be for the better but most of them we lived through without physical or mental scars. 

1. Thinking the middle seat in the front was the best seat because we could get crushed into the dashboard ... I mean, because we got to control the five radio stations.

2. Being totally inaccessible -- from after school until dinner. Now, we would call that being lost..

3. Thinking that SPF 4 was responsibly using sun block.

4. Thinking the haze of Solarcaine we were engulfed in was a healthy way to heal the second-degree burns I inevitably got from using SPF 4.

5.  Jarts, nuff said.

6. Getting excited when someone had a pick-up truck because that meant the kids got to ride on the flatbed.

7. Sitting on my dad's lap and manning the steering wheel.  Best fun ever. 

8. Riding in the "Back Back" of any car (VW, Station Wagon)

9. Playing on a rusted swing set where that one leg always popped out of the ground threatening to propel itself into space and then came back with a thud.

10. Helmets? No one wore them, and if you did, you were super geeky ... protecting your nerdy brain and all.

11. Same goes for skateboards.  I still have a scar on my knee from a truly spectacular wipeout. 

12. Being a latchkey kid. Your children will not dry up and blow away if they are alone in a house.  By the time I was 14 I was making dinner once to twice a week and thought nothing of it. 

13. Fearlessly scaling fences, climbing trees, playing in the woods, and jumping streams without a parent in sight to save us (hell, we used to ride our bikes through a cemetery).

14. Nerf Shmerf -- oh, we had them, but cap guns and BB guns were way more likely to shoot your eye out ... we preferred them. And who can forget the amazing whiff of a good cap gun? 

16. And forget seat belts -- I barely sat in the seat at all, lying across the back windshield of my mom's car, or popping up and down from the floor was way more fun.  And vacations would not have been the same without stretching out in the backseat with my blanket and pillows. 

17. Exploring everything.  Our favorite was crawling around construction sites.  That was the best! 

18. Babysitting at 11.  The kids survived didn't they?  We weren't too young to babysit 

19. Eating unwrapped things people handed you in stores -- like pretzel logs from the bank.

20. Running around until sundown without a care in the world, a phone in my pocket, or shoes on my feet.  Mom's didn't have to know where we were every second of the day.  There was much more of a sense of freedom.  We ran the whole neighborhood.  And I really mean the whole neighborhood.  `

21.  Slumber parties where you could play with Ouija boards, try to float your friends, or try to conjure Bloody Mary without having parents think that all your friends are crazy.   

22. Climbing any tree we could reach. 

23. Wading though creeks, streams, and basically any body of water.

24. Giant leaps of swing sets and any other play equipment. 

25. Those chemistry sets that we got for Christmas and the Hugo doll (man of a thousand faces). Can you imagine someone getting that ugly ass thing for their kid these days?

26. Sledding at breakneck speeds.

27. Doing things without our parents hanging over our shoulders every second.  

28. Bike stunts that never ended well

29. Red Rover.  How did we not dislocate shoulders?

30. Climbing up on the roof to help clean.  

All in all I think that some of these things were just crazy and some were so awesome that it made for some pretty great memories. 

50 Reasons Why Living in the Midwest Is Awesome…

1. Low cost of living.

2. The stranger who helps dig you out of a snowdrift.
3. Art festivals. 
4. Valleys erupted in full fall color set against a clear, blue autumn sky.
5. Big yards for kids to play in.
6. Storytellers, such as Mark Twain, James Thurber, Jean Shepherd, Garrison Keillor and more, skillfully weaving logic and humor into their Midwest-rooted tales.
7. Potlucks loaded with delicious hotdishes.
8. Corn on the cob drenched in golden butter.
9. A notable (and comfortable) lack of pretension
10. Green Bay Packers fans.
11. Buggies clip-clopping along blacktop highways in Ohio, home of the largest Amish population in the world.
12. The electric green of spring.
13. Garden-fresh tomatoes, so red and ripe, they’re near bursting, and taste like sunshine
14. Still, silent, frozen lakes.
15. Real, distinct seasons.
16. The Big Ten and the Big 12. Great universities; great teams.
17. A solitary oak tree towering over shimmering grasses.
18. Small-town July Fourth parades.
19. Nights lit by a full moon reflecting off a blanket of untouched snow.
20. Really freaking good steaks. 
21. Long, flat, straight roads under a wide-open blue sky.
22. Kansas City barbecue.
23. The Great Lakes.
24. State and county fairs: blue-ribbon winners, midway rides and superbly bad-for-you food on a stick.
25. Wacky winter festivities, like frozen turkey bowling and polar bear dips.
26. The Pride Festival. Lawn chairs, picnic baskets, and a symphony echoing through balmy summer nights.
27. Short commutes.
28. White-steepled churches poking above oceans of fields.
29. Canoeing.
30. Celebrations of Native American heritage.
31. Fresh Air
32. Farm markets. 
33. White Christmases, occasionally.
34. Rich, starry nights and places where you can appreciate them.
35. Cheers rising from Little League games in neighborhood parks.
36. Lilacs. Their soft color and sweet spring scent unexpectedly wafting through the window.
37. Sun-warmed skin that smells of sunscreen, mosquito spray and barbecue smoke.
38. Open, quiet space.
39. The sweet, spicy aroma of freshly mown grass.
40. Front porch chats with neighbors.
41. History taught via re-enactment.
42. Apples and Cider
43. Excellent Haunted Places
44. Cheese. Of course.
45. Snow days.
46. Tailgating. Nothing like sparking up the grill and breaking out the cooler with other diehard fans in the stadium parking lot.
47. Fireflies at dusk in the backyard, and hopeful kids with Mason jars chasing the unpredictable glow.
48. Midwest common sense.
49. The way the sky darkens, the crickets chirp louder and the air turns warm and tense right before a summer afternoon thunderstorm.
50. The secure feeling of knowing you live in a place where you feel completely at home.


If you can think of more of your own, feel free to add them below!

All In The Family...

This post is dedicated to my special 2nd Family, The Grogg Family.  They are having their first round of holidays without their dear patriarch, Earl.  It’s been 13 years since we lost my Dad and I know how hard it is to keep up certain traditions and they have reminded me how important it is to keep those things alive not just for the loved ones that we have lost but for the younger generation who need to know why these things are special to us and why we do them.  I used to help my Dad put up the outside lights.  When he passed I couldn’t keep doing that at my house despite repeated requests from my children.  Now I have deprived them of something that was very dear to my father and to me.  My mom loves decorating the inside of the house for Christmas and if I ever stopped that out of sorrow for her she would haunt me to the ends of the earth and back!  

The continuation of family traditions amidst great technological advances and fast paced lives is very much important. Despite the assaults of modern times, the family is at the very core and foundation of society; this is true whether a family is created by biology or choice.  Family traditions help to create strong bonds.  Sometimes those bonds get interrupted from either grief, or depression or just plain apathy but it’s important that we keep family traditions alive even if it’s just for ourselves.


What are Family Traditions?
From a generational perspective, family traditions are practices or beliefs which are passed down from generation to generation; i.e. from parents to children. On a smaller level, family traditions are those which are created within a family.  On either level, family traditions range from ordinary routines and day to day activities to celebration of holidays and special occasions; often these are based on the family's religious and cultural heritage.
Family traditions bring a sense of belonging, commitment and familiarity with each other. They also pave the way for good times and good memories. Family traditions are also vehicles to carry on a family's identity (e.g. ethnic, religious, occupational, recreational and so forth).


Passing the Torch
It is important to pass the torch of family traditions; this imparts a sense of continuity, bonding and more importantly, love. It is incumbent on each generation of parents to keep the family tradition up and running. Family traditions are valuable instruments for child rearing because they instill social values and contribute to creating close family ties.


Sharing
Quality family time helps to build and maintain strong family ties. Sharing is a key ingredient for creating quality moments. Traditions make sharing easy by offering a common ground of knowledge and experience. For example, holiday pies may sure be tasty, but they are also opportunities for share experienced; i.e. making the pie, discussing special techniques and recipes, eating it at a certain time and so forth. There is also the shared expectation of the way the tradition will take place and the parts that need to be taken. There are also the shared memories from previous occurrence of the family tradition.


Distinctive History
Family traditions make it possible for the family's distinctive history to pass on to the next generation which oftentimes expands the family story. Aside from these, it cultivates a special connection between family members and between generations. Each special family tradition creates warmth and closeness among family members; it is a special tie that bonds them all. Familiar and predictable family experience brought about by family traditions fosters the feeling of safety and security. It gives each member something to look forward to and the assurance one needs.
Continuing family traditions are essential in enhancing family values and strengthening the bond which ties each family. Old and newly introduced family traditions no matter how grand or simple it is, brings about the sense of belonging, emphasizes good values and more importantly, creates happy family memories.



As a tribute to our families, whether biological or “family by choice”, please feel free to leave a comment below to share one of your favorite traditions.  I will start and hopefully we will have many more to read about…

Talk - Relationship's Four Letter Word

Whenever a group of women get together the subject of relationships and communication usually end up on the table for discussion.  To start with, there is a phrase or perhaps a better word for it would be a “disclaimer” that all of us have heard at one point and it just drives us insane. This statement I hear in reference to their current romantic partner or spouse is some variation of, Hey! What does she want? It's not like I beat her, cheat on her, or come home drunk every night.  And I’m happy so I don’t really see what the problem is because I’m not the one that’s unhappy with the situation.  

Really? If that was the only requirement for a good marriage or romantic relationship then I think you are setting the bar pretty low for yourself.  And believe me, it takes two to tango so if your partner is miserable then you have some ownership there.  Especially if one person is hurt and angry and the other person just shrugs it off saying that they are fine with how things are.  If you are at that point, you might need to brace yourself for some inevitable changes in your current relationship/marriage.  Let's be really serious here; women need so much more in order to stay in love with their man.  But the good news is that we aren’t as complicated as you think.  I know that, when faced with a problem, all men want to know is how to fix it.  And that’s all good because that’s what makes you all tick.  But sometimes women need a bit more than just solutions when they want to be heard.  So, how about we take a few minutes and really look at what a woman really wants from her man.   

To feel loved  
Simply put, women need to feel loved. A women feels loved when she is number one in her partner's life. She needs to know he values her over the job, friends, coworkers, hunting, golf, his mom, and the kids. If a woman perceives she takes second place in any area of her man's priorities, she will start to build a wall that protects her emotionally. She will pull away and not see her man as a safe person she can trust with all of her vulnerabilities.

Non-sexual touch  
Touch is very important to women, but if they feel every touch leads to sex she will begin to not touch her man or be unwilling to receive his touch. They want to experience freely the touch that is only reserved for romantic relationships, but if her man believes the only purpose for that type of touch is foreplay, she often stops touching because she feels devalued.

Partner  
Women want to be married to a man, not another kid. They want someone who shares in the day-to-day responsibility of life, the home, chores, the kids, finances, and everything else having a life entwined entails. Woman want to know they can count on their man to pick up the slack where needed, have a partner who will help make decisions, and want to be with someone they do not have to nag. They did not get married to care for a grown adult, but to have a partner who will share in and be a part of their lives.

Equality 
Studies have shown the best relationships are those that value and practice equality. Equality goes hand-in-hand with partnership, but requires even more effort. Equality means viewing each other as equal partners, not one dominant over the other, and seeing that the contributions of each are equally valued in the relationship.

Affirmative words  
Women have soft skin that men love to touch. Just like our skin, our hearts are soft too. Women can be crushed very easily by a harsh word or look, cruel teasing, or a sharp voice tone. We hear too often how we do not measure up. All we have to do is open a magazine, turn on the TV, or go to the make-up counter in a retail store. This is not to say you can never give criticism. Criticism, given with love and delivered kindly, is a gift. Critiquing one another in order to force them into the mold you want is theft; it steals their self-esteem.

To Be Heard and Acknowledged
First and foremost, nearly any woman loves an attentive man who values her thoughts, opinions, and feelings. You’ve probably heard it numerous times, but it’s the truth: Women want to feel heard and considered seriously. It’s not that a woman is just looking for someone to agree with her. She wants to know that how she approaches life has an impact on him; she wants to know that her ideas have been taken in and digested… hence she matters and makes a difference. 

Now to offer my own disclaimer, I’m in no way an expert on this topic.  It all boils down to communication and I have made my fair share of mistakes in that department.  But I base most of what is said above on my own experience and that of my lady friends.  What it really comes down to is that we want to be heard and we want to be loved.  And we don’t want to hear, “Well you KNOW I love you.”  Really?  Because “Psychic” isn’t on my resume last time I checked.  Show it in your words and actions. 

In parting I have just a few words for you ladies out there.  Your man isn’t psychic either.  You can’t just expect him to absorb your needs by osmosis just because he’s in the same room with you.  We have to communicate our needs or all the things I talked about above are just flat out not going to work.  I know a woman who was furious with her husband because he didn't send flowers on her birthday.  I said, “Well in the past few weeks did you make mention of the fact that flowers might be a sweet gesture?”  “No.”  Well there you go!  It takes time for a partner to learn what things make your heart melt and what things make you want to change the locks in the house.  This communication thing is a two way street.  You have to quit hoping that your man will magically know what you want.  And you men need to quit putting everything into two categories:  1.Things I Can Fix  2. Everything Else.  There is a little more to it than that. 

Women want to be heard and feel needed.  Hopefully something you read here helps.  Now get out there and communicate and love each other!  

The Seven Deadly Sins of Middle Age

The Seven Deadly Sins of Middle Age

We all have them. The secret sins that keep us awake at night and tap us on the shoulder during the day while we try to go about our business. The sins that we would prefer that our friends and neighbors never see. For some, this means dancing the salsa naked with a Hoover Upright ( Hey! I didn't say that was me!). For others, it's sticking their face in a bag of cereal at 2:00a.m. (Okay maybe that was me).

I know I’m not Catholic and I'm pretty sure you're not a priest, but I'm sitting in a confessional booth right now about to spill the goods on Middle Age’s seven deadly sins.

ENVY:  I live near a park with an enormous cross-country jogging trail. I see women of all ages out there, rollerblading, jogging and biking. Certain ones catch my eye---the PERFECT ones, who look like they just rolled off the Barbie shelf at Target. Pink sweats with the Juicy label across their firm, little butts, and a matching tank top stretched tight across breasts that aren't jiggling like jello cups in a truck when they jog. THOSE are the women I envy. Their pre-baby bodies are free of stretch marks resembling the NYC subway system. They are blessed with perky boobs on the high beam setting aimed at the stars instead of their knee caps. It makes me long for my youth and a certain pink bikini I once owned.

GLUTTONY:  This is the reason I no longer own the aforementioned pink bikini. Being diabetic, nature kind of solved this one for me.  Although, I am also selfish when it comes to Chinese take-out. Don't touch my egg roll or lay a finger on my mu shu pork.

PRIDE:  This is something easily lost when you're driving an old minivan with wipers that do more harm than good, a dubious engine, and the bottom held on by rust.  However, ask me about my children and I will whisk you over to the nearest computer device and run through every picture that I have stored and labeled by occasion.  But that’s what makes this sin just a little bit fun.

LUST:  When you're middle aged, the mind says, "Yes" but the body says, "Oh, hell no!" So you learn to lust after other things....like a beef burrito the size of a chihuahua. Or Ben and Jerry's Triple Caramel Chunk ice cream and a good bottle of Dom Perignon. A trip to Tahiti would be nice too, but at this rate I'll never be able to fit back into that pink bikini again. 

ANGER:  Think Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Anthony Hopkins in Silence Of The Lambs. This is what I become when my daughter misses the school bus at 6:30 a.m. My head has also been known to spin like I'm in the throes of an exorcism when I send one of the kids to do a two-step chore and what I get back it step one and step “When the hell did I ask you to do that?”  That’s when you end up in a rant so long that you end up getting sick of the sound of your own voice but you can’t stop because then you would have to admit that your Middle Aged mind forgot what step 2 was anyway.  This is ended effectively by simply saying, “We both need time to cool off.  Go to your room.”  Then you never have to admit that you forgot what you wanted them to do to begin with and usually they remember it for you.  Young Brains have some advantages. 

SLOTH:  When I think sloth, the first image that comes to mind is Jabba the Hutt. No, I do not resemble a bloated, slug-like alien, nor do I eat fleshy, aquatic creatures with slimy legs. But I DO like having minions (a.k.a. children) around to take out the trash, wash the dinner dishes and fold the laundry before all the socks play hide-and-seek or join Match.com to find their missing partners.

GREED:  While most people associate greed with money and power, neither of those things appeal to me. I'm greedy when it comes to sleep. Those evil, middle age twins Hot Flash and Fatigue have joined forces with their mischievous cousin Insomnia to deprive me of a solid, seven hours of slumber. My bladder is never one to miss a party either, so she's right up there playing checkers with her cohorts at all hours of the night. If there's such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as a bear so I can hibernate for a few months in a cave and bite the head off the first person who wakes me.

There should be an 8th deadly sin as well, called INSANITY. When my body thermostat mimics the mercury levels of an Arizona desert during the month of July, or I suddenly find myself trolling the girdle aisle at Walmart, I'm bound to feel a little crazy. To combat the bipolar symptoms of my fluctuating hormones, I've discovered that the road to happiness is paved with Xanax and sugar-free popcicles....and maybe a side trip to Tahiti with a pink bikini in my suitcase.

The Hamster Equivalency

The “Hamster Equivalency” is a theory that I have been working on for a while now.  It’s a direct relation between how much guilt you feel when making a decision and that decisions eventual outcome.  Some of us are more into people pleasing than others.  Pleaseaholics are notorious for making decisions out of overwhelming guilt.  People pleasers also have kind, soft hearts that truly enjoy making other people happy.  This combination easily creates a tendency to make decisions based on what you perceive others want, as you slowly silence your inner voice.  Perhaps you’ve been making decisions to avoid rocking the boat for so long you’ve lost track of what YOU actually want.

This theory came about from a rather unfortunate experience that my family had with some Russian Dwarf Hamsters and a local pet store.  Savannah wanted a hamster and it all seemed rather harmless.  She requested the pet as a birthday present and we went to the store all shiny with hope and excitement.  We picked out all the right things with tubes and climbing structures and a room system that looked like something out of the Jetsons.  Our little hamster was going to be livin’ large. 

Next we went to the actual cages to pick out one of what were essentially 30 or so identical looking hamsters.  If you’ve never seen a Russian Dwarf here they are.  Cute right?  They look like a furry ping-pong ball with ears.  It was at this point that the young sales girl told us with all sincerity that dwarf hamsters like to

live in pairs.  She seemed very sincere and suddenly I was faced with a dilemma.  What if we bought just one?  Would it die of loneliness?  Would it resent us for a lonely life of solitude?  Would it eventually need some type of counseling?  I just didn’t know.  Keep in mind that these things are about $15 dollars a piece so one seems cheap but two starts to stretch the budget a bit.  But the girl assured us that they really must live in pairs.  She also imparted the knowledge that all their animals are boys because they aren’t allowed to sell animals that can reproduce.  I’m sure that falls under some weird animal husbandry law written in the 1800s when Russians were sneaking these little critters into the country.  Seriously, I’m still not convinced that they aren’t a plot to bring about the downfall of Western Civilization. 

So we pick out our two little Russian Dwarfs and are on our way.  One fact she failed to mention is that the little buggers have the life span of a goldfish.  Not at all hearty like a gerbil.  Those suckers can hang in there for quite a while.  Next unmentioned fact, there is no real way to “age” the little buggers so you really are just taking your chance when you buy them.  Sure enough, months later little Happy and Dopey were no more.  Savannah was devastated.   Her first real pet loss.  It took me back to the day that Nick lost “Pickles the Frog” but that’s a story for another day. 

Now, here is where the “Hamster Equivalency” comes in to play.  I had already made some guilt purchases.  I mean, really something the size of a ping-pong ball probably didn’t need ALL of those tubes and pods and such but we did get two animals so it somehow seemed justified.  But with the passing of the first two furry bringers-of-sorrow I was faced with a big decision.  We had just made a large birthday investment in this plastic palace that was now sitting empty.  So I agreed to get another one but I held firm at just getting one.  But sure enough we go back to the store and are told by yet another very sincere employee that these fur covered nightmares really have to live in pairs. 

This is the exact moment when I wish I had known the basic principles of the “Hamster Equivalency”.  That principle is simply this, the amount of guilt involved in a decision that you make is how much that decision will later come back to  bite you in the ass.   Little bit of guilt involved?  Little bite.  HUGE amount of guilt involved?  HUGE bite.  And I was in for a huge bite. 

I reluctantly bought another two hamsters because I figured that I was the one that introduced the things to Savannah to begin with so I was in for a penny and in for a pound.  Can you blame me though?  And Savannah was giving me the puppy face. That looks like this.


Now go back and look at that hamster picture.  They are seriously cute. Subsequently we were headed home with Guapo and Chulo (we were in a Spanish phase at the time) and all was right with the world. 

At least, all was right until I learned yet another fact about Russian Dwarf Hamsters.  Turns out that they are very hard to determine the sex of them.  That is until the day that your daughter comes barreling down the stairs sobbing because her hamster cage is full of hamster babies and Guapo and Chulo had some very serious explaining to do.  Once we determined that Chulo was a Chula we quickly moved Guapo to a separate cage that we had luckily found at a garage sale that same day.  All I can say is that what followed was an almost 4 month nightmare from hell where I had printed up blown up pictures of hamster privates so I could try to keep the boys and girls separated while squinting at their little tiny hamster parts.  A situation that was uncomfortable for both the hamsters and me.  And as you might predict, I wasn't any better at figuring out the sex of the rodent than the pet store was so what followed was about 5 more litters of babies.  I even tried to offer the babies to the pet store but I’m not a licensed breeder so that was a no go.  For a brief moment I had a plan to take them all into the store in a shoe box and just release them but I figured that I’d get busted. 

The end of the story isn’t pretty.  They got over crowded despite our best efforts.  Some cannibalism was involved.  Eventually they all ended up living in separate containers until the blessedly short end of their days.  Looking back at the whole fiasco I came to the conclusion that letting my decision be guided by guilt led to my downfall.  Thus, the “Hamster Equivalency”. 

When we don't live up to our own expectations or the expectations of others, many of us have a tendency to feel guilty.  Many people think that guilt is brought on by other people. It's important to realize that guilt comes from within yourself and only yourself.  It is your internal self talk about yourself and your situation that contributes to feeling guilty.  The truth is, you have the power to accept or deny feelings of guilt. If someone is making you feel guilty, it is because you are allowing them to.

It's important to recognize guilt that is unjustified. Unjustified guilt is guilt that has no real actual cause. Instead, these feelings of guilt are caused by misbeliefs inside the individual. Perhaps a person does not feel it's okay to spend time or money on themselves. Or perhaps they are feeling guilty because they don't believe they have the right to say no to other people. So many people make decisions in life based on not wanting to feel guilty inside. Making decisions based on guilt is never productive. It may temporarily provide relief from guilty feelings, but one thing is for sure, you will end up feeling depressed and incomplete because you are not being true to yourself.

So now when faced with a decision and I feel that part of my internal struggle is guilt-based I always take great care to consider the matter from all angles and try to take guilt out of the equation.  Take it for what it is, but it’s working for me so far.  If not, I have some nice hamster equipment that I’d be happy to unload on someone.