The Hamster Equivalency

The “Hamster Equivalency” is a theory that I have been working on for a while now.  It’s a direct relation between how much guilt you feel when making a decision and that decisions eventual outcome.  Some of us are more into people pleasing than others.  Pleaseaholics are notorious for making decisions out of overwhelming guilt.  People pleasers also have kind, soft hearts that truly enjoy making other people happy.  This combination easily creates a tendency to make decisions based on what you perceive others want, as you slowly silence your inner voice.  Perhaps you’ve been making decisions to avoid rocking the boat for so long you’ve lost track of what YOU actually want.

This theory came about from a rather unfortunate experience that my family had with some Russian Dwarf Hamsters and a local pet store.  Savannah wanted a hamster and it all seemed rather harmless.  She requested the pet as a birthday present and we went to the store all shiny with hope and excitement.  We picked out all the right things with tubes and climbing structures and a room system that looked like something out of the Jetsons.  Our little hamster was going to be livin’ large. 

Next we went to the actual cages to pick out one of what were essentially 30 or so identical looking hamsters.  If you’ve never seen a Russian Dwarf here they are.  Cute right?  They look like a furry ping-pong ball with ears.  It was at this point that the young sales girl told us with all sincerity that dwarf hamsters like to

live in pairs.  She seemed very sincere and suddenly I was faced with a dilemma.  What if we bought just one?  Would it die of loneliness?  Would it resent us for a lonely life of solitude?  Would it eventually need some type of counseling?  I just didn’t know.  Keep in mind that these things are about $15 dollars a piece so one seems cheap but two starts to stretch the budget a bit.  But the girl assured us that they really must live in pairs.  She also imparted the knowledge that all their animals are boys because they aren’t allowed to sell animals that can reproduce.  I’m sure that falls under some weird animal husbandry law written in the 1800s when Russians were sneaking these little critters into the country.  Seriously, I’m still not convinced that they aren’t a plot to bring about the downfall of Western Civilization. 

So we pick out our two little Russian Dwarfs and are on our way.  One fact she failed to mention is that the little buggers have the life span of a goldfish.  Not at all hearty like a gerbil.  Those suckers can hang in there for quite a while.  Next unmentioned fact, there is no real way to “age” the little buggers so you really are just taking your chance when you buy them.  Sure enough, months later little Happy and Dopey were no more.  Savannah was devastated.   Her first real pet loss.  It took me back to the day that Nick lost “Pickles the Frog” but that’s a story for another day. 

Now, here is where the “Hamster Equivalency” comes in to play.  I had already made some guilt purchases.  I mean, really something the size of a ping-pong ball probably didn’t need ALL of those tubes and pods and such but we did get two animals so it somehow seemed justified.  But with the passing of the first two furry bringers-of-sorrow I was faced with a big decision.  We had just made a large birthday investment in this plastic palace that was now sitting empty.  So I agreed to get another one but I held firm at just getting one.  But sure enough we go back to the store and are told by yet another very sincere employee that these fur covered nightmares really have to live in pairs. 

This is the exact moment when I wish I had known the basic principles of the “Hamster Equivalency”.  That principle is simply this, the amount of guilt involved in a decision that you make is how much that decision will later come back to  bite you in the ass.   Little bit of guilt involved?  Little bite.  HUGE amount of guilt involved?  HUGE bite.  And I was in for a huge bite. 

I reluctantly bought another two hamsters because I figured that I was the one that introduced the things to Savannah to begin with so I was in for a penny and in for a pound.  Can you blame me though?  And Savannah was giving me the puppy face. That looks like this.


Now go back and look at that hamster picture.  They are seriously cute. Subsequently we were headed home with Guapo and Chulo (we were in a Spanish phase at the time) and all was right with the world. 

At least, all was right until I learned yet another fact about Russian Dwarf Hamsters.  Turns out that they are very hard to determine the sex of them.  That is until the day that your daughter comes barreling down the stairs sobbing because her hamster cage is full of hamster babies and Guapo and Chulo had some very serious explaining to do.  Once we determined that Chulo was a Chula we quickly moved Guapo to a separate cage that we had luckily found at a garage sale that same day.  All I can say is that what followed was an almost 4 month nightmare from hell where I had printed up blown up pictures of hamster privates so I could try to keep the boys and girls separated while squinting at their little tiny hamster parts.  A situation that was uncomfortable for both the hamsters and me.  And as you might predict, I wasn't any better at figuring out the sex of the rodent than the pet store was so what followed was about 5 more litters of babies.  I even tried to offer the babies to the pet store but I’m not a licensed breeder so that was a no go.  For a brief moment I had a plan to take them all into the store in a shoe box and just release them but I figured that I’d get busted. 

The end of the story isn’t pretty.  They got over crowded despite our best efforts.  Some cannibalism was involved.  Eventually they all ended up living in separate containers until the blessedly short end of their days.  Looking back at the whole fiasco I came to the conclusion that letting my decision be guided by guilt led to my downfall.  Thus, the “Hamster Equivalency”. 

When we don't live up to our own expectations or the expectations of others, many of us have a tendency to feel guilty.  Many people think that guilt is brought on by other people. It's important to realize that guilt comes from within yourself and only yourself.  It is your internal self talk about yourself and your situation that contributes to feeling guilty.  The truth is, you have the power to accept or deny feelings of guilt. If someone is making you feel guilty, it is because you are allowing them to.

It's important to recognize guilt that is unjustified. Unjustified guilt is guilt that has no real actual cause. Instead, these feelings of guilt are caused by misbeliefs inside the individual. Perhaps a person does not feel it's okay to spend time or money on themselves. Or perhaps they are feeling guilty because they don't believe they have the right to say no to other people. So many people make decisions in life based on not wanting to feel guilty inside. Making decisions based on guilt is never productive. It may temporarily provide relief from guilty feelings, but one thing is for sure, you will end up feeling depressed and incomplete because you are not being true to yourself.

So now when faced with a decision and I feel that part of my internal struggle is guilt-based I always take great care to consider the matter from all angles and try to take guilt out of the equation.  Take it for what it is, but it’s working for me so far.  If not, I have some nice hamster equipment that I’d be happy to unload on someone.