Parental Confessions - Why I Was Wrong To Ban Toy Guns

Hardwired for Gun Play?

First, a basic question: Are little boys predisposed to gun play?

In today’s society, it is difficult to shield a child from “expressions of violence,” whether they come from television shows, video games or even older siblings and friends.  Boys are likely predisposed to respond.  Boys probably have some yet-unknown gene which contributes to this behavior.   Who knows?

Still, identifying the ancestral underpinnings of aggression in boys doesn't make it any easier for parents.

I was one of those parents.  When I gave birth to my little precious boy I immediately instituted a no gun policy.  No exceptions.  Now, I was raised around guns.  They weren't part of my growing up experience.  But I knew that I was going to raise a mentally and genetically advanced race of Renaissance Man who had no need for such barbaric pursuits such as shooting and killing and war.  

The first time I realized that genetics might have a stronger pull on my son than I did was when, at 2, he chewed his piece of toast into the shape of a gun and proceeded to shoot his other breakfast items.  Fast forward 2 years and he is 4 and at 4 anything and everything can be a gun.  Sticks, umbrellas, paper towel tubes, hangers, and hell really they didn't even need an object because every boy has a pistol build right into their hand and it is with them at all times.  

That's when I realized that it was about whether or not our sons could get to and play with toy guns that was important.  What was important is what we teach our children about guns. We are afraid to talk to our kids about guns because we think that it will make them more curious and more apt to want to use a gun.  I think that this is the same fear that we carry with us regarding talking to our kids about sex and about safe sex. Somewhere in the back of our minds, we parents think that maybe if we never say the word "condom' to our kids then maybe they will never find out about it and just not have sex.  So we shy away from teaching our children about guns because we think that the less they know the safer they will be.  We have wiped out and looked down and pretend gun play for so long that kids don't get to act out those natural roles during the most important time when they are learning through play.  And then when they get older we don't sit down and have real conversations about guns with our kids other than to say that they are dangerous and can kill people.  In the end, I think that this is not maybe the best way to go about handling the situation.  

Had I the ability to do it over again, I would have let my son have that cowboy outfit and that six shooter.  I have done a great deal of thinking about this topic and there are some common sense things that I think that we can do to uncover the fear and mystery of guns and give our kids a chance to learn about guns and gun safety in a real way.

What Parents Can Do

Here are six things parents can do to ensure that a child’s interest in toy guns doesn't get out of hand:

1.        1. Talk with your kids.

Instead of talking at your child about guns (“Guns are dangerous!” “Don’t do that!”) talk with them. Their understanding of guns is probably less sophisticated than you think.

Ask open-ended questions to acknowledge the play and spur conversation: “Looks like you’re having fun. What are you doing?” And gently but consistently underscore the difference between real and toy guns by emphasizing how much fun it is to “pretend.”

2.        2. Limit your child’s exposure to violence on TV or in video games.

I think exposure to violence on TV or video games should be a greater concern to parents than gun play. Repeated exposure has been demonstrated in studies to desensitize kids to violence. It is important to limit this exposure, especially in younger kids.

3.        3. Monitor, don’t necessarily prohibit, your child’s gun play.

As long as playing with toy guns doesn’t dominate a child’s time, it’s okay to let them explore it, provided a parent or trusted adult is watching.

Many young kids (under age five) don't even understand what shooting someone really means. The shooting is more about power, fantasy and imagination—not killing and death.

That said, if all your child wants to do is engage in gun play, you need to place limits like you would on any other activity done in excess.

4.       4.  If you’re going to buy a toy gun, make sure it really looks like a toy.

Try to limit the toy guns in your house to those that look nothing like real guns—the more colorful, the better.

Also, and I can’t stress this enough, even though it is a toy reminding kids about proper toy gun etiquette is key: “We don't point at faces or at people who ‘aren't playing.’”  Even though it is play that rule should be taught early and should be reinforced often.

5.       5.  Encourage “target practice.”

Achieving the simple goal of hitting a target with a foam-ball gun can be extremely satisfying for an active child, and it helps develop hand-eye coordination to boot.

Just draw a bull’s-eye on a white board or make a pyramid of empty soda cans, and you’re good to go.  There’s an added benefit in that the children can be competitive and have fun without accidentally hurting each other.  And it’s a healthy kind of competition because they are learning to improve a skill and have fun while doing it.  It doesn't have to beat about beating anyone else.  It teaches kids to set goals for themselves and increase their skill level each time they try for a harder or a new target. 

6.        6. Teach proper gun safety.

This one may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s worth pointing out: if you choose to have real guns in your home, it’s imperative to help your children understand and respect their power.  Even in you don’t have real guns in your home, chances are that one day your child will be in the home of a gun owner.  If they know the rules from the start then they can be taught to respect guns and know what the important safety rules are.  As your children get older and start spending time in other people’s homes, this is not a lesson that you want to skip out on.  Too many times as parents, the only thing that we teach kids about guns is that they are scary.  What we should be arming our children with is knowledge, not fear.  In the end, knowledge is the most powerful weapon that your child can possess. 

Above all, be approachable. Knowing that Mom, Dad or another trusted adult is always available to answer questions will help your children process their curiosity about the gun-related messages society sends. And in the long run, you’ll keep your kids safer.

My next installment will be on how I became a reformed Barbie-Hater and how I came to the realization that a doll has nothing to do with my daughters self-esteem.  Stay tuned...