The Art of Letting Go, And Other Impossible Tasks

Many years ago, the summer after my senior year of high school, my parents took me and my friend Dusti on a trip to a beautiful place in Canada called Prince Edward Island.  (If you haven’t heard of it, look it up.  Go there.   You won’t be disappointed as it is definitely worth the trip.)  Were I to go to this paradise at the age I am now, I would probably have enjoyed the history, buildings, and architecture more.  And even though it wasn't at the top of my list, I do have a lasting memory of how beautiful and peaceful and significantly untouched the island was at the time.  I remember we were driving down to the docks to get some fresh seafood to cook and the driver in front of us pulled over to let us pass.  Not because they were angry, not because we were speeding, and not because of safety issues; but simply because they were happy to be going a certain speed and pulled over with a smile and a cheery wave as if to say, “Good day to you!  I just feel like cruising along here so you go right along around me and enjoy your day!”  That happened several times while we were there, always with a hearty wave and a warm smile.   I look back on that now and think that more often we need to not care about how fast we are going but rather enjoy the “getting there” part.  There is some bumper sticker platitude out there about enjoying the journey and not the destination but I digress terribly as this blog has absolutely nothing to do with what I've talked about so far, other than the first part is something I learned on that trip.

So, like Bill Cosby would so often say, “I told you that story to tell you this one.” 

As I mentioned, while in Prince Edward Island (or PEI, as the cool kids say) Dusti and I were more interested in what the beach and water had to offer than in what the historical buildings had to offer.  One day we were lucky enough to run into a group of possibly unsuitable companions who were friends with the local guy who ran the marina.  I say “possibly unsuitable” because the only thing we knew about them is that they were cute, surfers, Australian and ran a surf-wear business called “Cousin Smoothies Surf Shoppe”.  I know, right?  Impressive.  Anyhow, they managed to arrange a day out on the water for us.  We had access to every possible motorized or sail driven water toy that you could think of and we had a blast.  The last part of the day we attempted (mostly unsuccessfully) to water ski.  The number one rule of water skiing is to learn how to let go when you fall.  Seriously, that is the most difficult part to learn.  They explained to us that the natural instinct is to hold onto the bar when you fall.  I thought, “Well that’s dumb.  Of course you’d let go.”  But sure enough, the first time I fell I clung on for dear life and I imagine that I looked somewhat like a gopher tunneling under the water.  I didn't let go until it registered to me that everyone on the boat was screaming, “LET GO!  LET GO!”  So the second time around I was sure that I would instantly let go.  But no, I didn't.  I clung on to that bar and had to force myself to release my grip.  Time after time, I fell and each time I had to give myself that mental slap and think, “LET GO!”  I learned two things that day: 1. I can’t water ski and 2. They really weren't kidding about that “natural instinct” thing.

Now, I told you THAT story to tell you this one.

One problem that I find myself facing over and over in life is letting go.  It’s kind of a thing for me.  Sometimes it’s a good thing because I hang in there with people when sometimes others have given up and walked away.  Sometimes it’s a bad thing when I can’t let go of hurt or anger.  So the theme of letting go has been on my mind a lot lately.  It’s something that I feel I constantly need to practice.

A few days ago, Savannah and I were having a disagreement.  Shocking right?  A parent and a teen disagreeing?  What we were talking about isn't even significant.   What was significant was the back and forth that we were in.  It went on much longer than it should have and neither one of us would stop.  Two days later neither one of us even remembers what we were going back and forth about.  But this I do remember, when we finally got to the point where we separated, I felt totally exhausted.  As if I’d been swimming for miles.  Frustrated and completely worn out I posted this on Facebook:

“Trying to have a logical conversation with an emotional teen is like trying to save a hysterical person from drowning. You go into it with good intentions but eventually you realize that it is completely futile and eventually you wind up being pulled under along with them.   (I also like the analogy that it's like trying to nail jell-o to a tree but I didn't come up with that one.)”

I still mean what I posted on Facebook and I try to look at most parenting things with humor.  But my comment about drowning made me pull up that memory of my long ago attempt at skiing.  Wow, that could not be any more accurate of my discussion with Savannah although I had no one on the boat yelling, “LET GO!  LET GO!”  And I did feel as if I had been pulled under water for a good mile or two.  And whose fault was that?  One hundred percent mine!  Luckily, I am already fairly self-aware that letting go is not a strong suit for me.  It’s great when it’s done in a positive manner and in that respect it’s one of my best traits.  However, when it comes to letting go of the negative stuff, I could use a few more lessons.  I have come to really believe that one of the real keys to happiness is learning when to let go.

The truth is Happiness isn't something you attain. Happiness is a natural state of being we have forgotten how to nurture and experience. And then when we sometimes experience happiness for no good reason, we are unable to prolong it, to hold on to it and make it stay around.  That’s the difference between knowing when to hang on and when to let go.

I wrote down a few things that I think are pretty important on the “Letting Go” list.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a master of this list.  It’s very much a work in progress.  Some I have mastered and some are a bit more within my reach.  Perhaps one day I’ll be a “Letting Go Master” and create some kind of badge for myself.

Until then here it is, the “Letting Go” list according to Christie: 

1) Let go of the guilt you have been needlessly carrying about. It serves no purpose anyway as the action or inaction you feel guilty for cannot be undone. You can, however, vow to change and not act in a way you think is unwise in the future. Love yourself and do not judge yourself. Forgive yourself.

2) Let go of hatred. Let go of hatred for yourself, for others, for what has been done to you, for what you perceive has been done to you…pretty much anything hate filled needs to go out the window.  Carrying anger and hate will shorten your life.  Don’t believe me?  Google this:  Physical Effects of Stress on Your Body.

3) Let go of jealousy. What can it matter what any other person has if they do not possess happiness (and very few people do)? What does it matter if your lover has left you and is now with another? Let go of the jealousy and rejoice in their new found joy. Find your own joy. Find peace of mind by letting go of YOUR jealousy.

4) Let go of desire for things. Things are not evil. Things are not bad. But telling yourself you cannot be happy without a bigger house, a faster car or a better looking wife or richer husband is a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness!  Be happy with what you have and where you are.  If you find yourself constantly changing jobs, relationships, friendships, or where you live; chances are the happy you are looking for needs to be found in yourself first before you go trying to find it somewhere else. 

5) Let go of resentment. It is really a form of hatred. No, that mean bully that beat you up every day at school in the 7th grade was not a good person. But hating them or resenting what others have done to you gives a place for hatred to grow within you and that hatred and resentment will keep happiness out.  Bless those who have done you wrong. Pray for them to find freedom from whatever is keeping them from being happy and you will open the door for more joy than you ever knew was possible.

6) Can’t let it go?  Then let that go too.  No one is perfect.  If you are having trouble letting go of something don’t give up, just give it time, look at it from a different angle, or put it on a mental shelf until you are ready to actually let it go.  It’s not always easy and you need to give yourself permission to be a work in progress. 

Most importantly is the one thing that you can NEVER let go of, Hope.  There is always another path or another solution.  It might not be the one you thought you were looking for but part of letting go is learning to live a more relaxed and flexible life.  And if you’re looking around and think that maybe you did let go of your hope, give me a holler on Facebook.  We’ll look for it together. 

Let go of all negative thoughts and attitudes and your life will change. The light will enter and fill your entire being and the root cause of unhappiness will forever be rooted out. Happiness is a flower that must be cultivated and with practice you will learn to... just... let... go.