The Hamster Equivalency

The “Hamster Equivalency” is a theory that I have been working on for a while now.  It’s a direct relation between how much guilt you feel when making a decision and that decisions eventual outcome.  Some of us are more into people pleasing than others.  Pleaseaholics are notorious for making decisions out of overwhelming guilt.  People pleasers also have kind, soft hearts that truly enjoy making other people happy.  This combination easily creates a tendency to make decisions based on what you perceive others want, as you slowly silence your inner voice.  Perhaps you’ve been making decisions to avoid rocking the boat for so long you’ve lost track of what YOU actually want.

This theory came about from a rather unfortunate experience that my family had with some Russian Dwarf Hamsters and a local pet store.  Savannah wanted a hamster and it all seemed rather harmless.  She requested the pet as a birthday present and we went to the store all shiny with hope and excitement.  We picked out all the right things with tubes and climbing structures and a room system that looked like something out of the Jetsons.  Our little hamster was going to be livin’ large. 

Next we went to the actual cages to pick out one of what were essentially 30 or so identical looking hamsters.  If you’ve never seen a Russian Dwarf here they are.  Cute right?  They look like a furry ping-pong ball with ears.  It was at this point that the young sales girl told us with all sincerity that dwarf hamsters like to

live in pairs.  She seemed very sincere and suddenly I was faced with a dilemma.  What if we bought just one?  Would it die of loneliness?  Would it resent us for a lonely life of solitude?  Would it eventually need some type of counseling?  I just didn’t know.  Keep in mind that these things are about $15 dollars a piece so one seems cheap but two starts to stretch the budget a bit.  But the girl assured us that they really must live in pairs.  She also imparted the knowledge that all their animals are boys because they aren’t allowed to sell animals that can reproduce.  I’m sure that falls under some weird animal husbandry law written in the 1800s when Russians were sneaking these little critters into the country.  Seriously, I’m still not convinced that they aren’t a plot to bring about the downfall of Western Civilization. 

So we pick out our two little Russian Dwarfs and are on our way.  One fact she failed to mention is that the little buggers have the life span of a goldfish.  Not at all hearty like a gerbil.  Those suckers can hang in there for quite a while.  Next unmentioned fact, there is no real way to “age” the little buggers so you really are just taking your chance when you buy them.  Sure enough, months later little Happy and Dopey were no more.  Savannah was devastated.   Her first real pet loss.  It took me back to the day that Nick lost “Pickles the Frog” but that’s a story for another day. 

Now, here is where the “Hamster Equivalency” comes in to play.  I had already made some guilt purchases.  I mean, really something the size of a ping-pong ball probably didn’t need ALL of those tubes and pods and such but we did get two animals so it somehow seemed justified.  But with the passing of the first two furry bringers-of-sorrow I was faced with a big decision.  We had just made a large birthday investment in this plastic palace that was now sitting empty.  So I agreed to get another one but I held firm at just getting one.  But sure enough we go back to the store and are told by yet another very sincere employee that these fur covered nightmares really have to live in pairs. 

This is the exact moment when I wish I had known the basic principles of the “Hamster Equivalency”.  That principle is simply this, the amount of guilt involved in a decision that you make is how much that decision will later come back to  bite you in the ass.   Little bit of guilt involved?  Little bite.  HUGE amount of guilt involved?  HUGE bite.  And I was in for a huge bite. 

I reluctantly bought another two hamsters because I figured that I was the one that introduced the things to Savannah to begin with so I was in for a penny and in for a pound.  Can you blame me though?  And Savannah was giving me the puppy face. That looks like this.


Now go back and look at that hamster picture.  They are seriously cute. Subsequently we were headed home with Guapo and Chulo (we were in a Spanish phase at the time) and all was right with the world. 

At least, all was right until I learned yet another fact about Russian Dwarf Hamsters.  Turns out that they are very hard to determine the sex of them.  That is until the day that your daughter comes barreling down the stairs sobbing because her hamster cage is full of hamster babies and Guapo and Chulo had some very serious explaining to do.  Once we determined that Chulo was a Chula we quickly moved Guapo to a separate cage that we had luckily found at a garage sale that same day.  All I can say is that what followed was an almost 4 month nightmare from hell where I had printed up blown up pictures of hamster privates so I could try to keep the boys and girls separated while squinting at their little tiny hamster parts.  A situation that was uncomfortable for both the hamsters and me.  And as you might predict, I wasn't any better at figuring out the sex of the rodent than the pet store was so what followed was about 5 more litters of babies.  I even tried to offer the babies to the pet store but I’m not a licensed breeder so that was a no go.  For a brief moment I had a plan to take them all into the store in a shoe box and just release them but I figured that I’d get busted. 

The end of the story isn’t pretty.  They got over crowded despite our best efforts.  Some cannibalism was involved.  Eventually they all ended up living in separate containers until the blessedly short end of their days.  Looking back at the whole fiasco I came to the conclusion that letting my decision be guided by guilt led to my downfall.  Thus, the “Hamster Equivalency”. 

When we don't live up to our own expectations or the expectations of others, many of us have a tendency to feel guilty.  Many people think that guilt is brought on by other people. It's important to realize that guilt comes from within yourself and only yourself.  It is your internal self talk about yourself and your situation that contributes to feeling guilty.  The truth is, you have the power to accept or deny feelings of guilt. If someone is making you feel guilty, it is because you are allowing them to.

It's important to recognize guilt that is unjustified. Unjustified guilt is guilt that has no real actual cause. Instead, these feelings of guilt are caused by misbeliefs inside the individual. Perhaps a person does not feel it's okay to spend time or money on themselves. Or perhaps they are feeling guilty because they don't believe they have the right to say no to other people. So many people make decisions in life based on not wanting to feel guilty inside. Making decisions based on guilt is never productive. It may temporarily provide relief from guilty feelings, but one thing is for sure, you will end up feeling depressed and incomplete because you are not being true to yourself.

So now when faced with a decision and I feel that part of my internal struggle is guilt-based I always take great care to consider the matter from all angles and try to take guilt out of the equation.  Take it for what it is, but it’s working for me so far.  If not, I have some nice hamster equipment that I’d be happy to unload on someone.    

For Nikolas - 21 Tips For Turning 21

21 Tips For Turning 21


Dear Nick, as I’m sure that you are well aware, you turned 21 this week.  J  I’m so proud of you and I am in awe at the brilliant young man you have become.  I can’t wait to see the next 21 years and beyond because I know that you will make an extraordinary life for yourself.  I know I’ve passed on MUCH  <don’t roll your eyes> advice to you at this point.  But I thought I’d add just a few more tips.

To My Son Nikolas on his 21^st birthday:

1.  Never looking at your budget and never making a budget is the exact same thing.

2.  The possibility for greatness and embarrassment both exist in the same space. If you’re not willing to be embarrassed, you’re probably not willing to be great.

3.  Feel no shame in seeking help from a counselor or therapist. We all have crap we try to wrap and hide under the Christmas tree. Get rid of it before it smells up your entire holiday.

4.  All job listings on Craigslist lead you to a warehouse downtown “wearing something nice with shoes you can walk in”.  Or they are porn related asking you also to "wear something nice".

5.  Don’t ever, ever check Facebook when you’re:
A.  Depressed
B.  Drinking.
C.  Depressed and Drinking
D.  Depressed and Drinking and then making phone calls at 3:00 in the morning

6.  You are your most valuable asset.  Take care of yourself first. I know you love to step in and be everything for everybody.  Believe me, they won’t return the favor.  Ever. 

7.  Your twenties will produce more failures than you’ll choose to remember. The key is when you fail, don’t begin calling yourself a failure.

8.  Every break up has two break ups. I’m no physicist, but this is a law of physics, of this I am certain. Yes you’ll have the first tearful “It’s over” sitting in the front of the TV and wondering if it would be a big deal if you never went out again. Then 1-2 months later after there’s “been talk”, you’ll have the “real breakup”. And gird those loins because in the second break up there will be a lot more breaking.  That’s when you realize it’s really over.  It hurts.  Don’t weather it alone.  You have a huge support group of friends and family. 

9.  Reckless drinking and reckless flirting have a direct correlation. Friends don’t let friends drive, or flirt, drunk.

10.  Row  your own boat. 

11. Don’t ever let anyone tell you who you are.  You are a wonderful person and, just because someone else is trying to bring you down, don’t let them do it.  Because at that point they win.  If you maintain the control of your own thought, actions and feelings then there isn’t a person on the planet who can tell you who you are. Be strong. 

12. (This one is from Grandpa) If you are out drinking, cut yourself off when you can’t remember your own name.  I think that was a joke.

13.  (This on is from Grandma) This is some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten so pay very close attention.  “Always act like you are supposed to be there and that you know exactly where you are going and no one will ever question you.”  Now there are some very funny stories attached to this wisdom but if I shared them here, Mom would kill me and bring me back to life just so she could kill me again.  Hehe Seriously, she is the best of the best when it comes to giving good advice.  She’s also good and giving out Patsy Cline tapes when you are broken hearted and need to have a cathartic moment. 

14.  Life will never feel like its “supposed to”. Being twenty-something can feel like death by unmet expectations. However, let me be so brash to say that you are right now, at this moment, exactly where you need to be. But you’ll only be able to see that five years and thirty-eight days from today.

15.  Make mistakes.  Everyone does but they just like to act like they don’t.  Make mistakes, figure out what happened or make amends, and then MOVE ON.  Your mistakes don’t define you.

16. Marriage WILL NOT fix any of your problems. No, instead marriage will put a magnifying glass on how many problems you really have. We grow up carrying bags with our insecurities, fears, bad relationships, problems with our parents — you name it. Begin to ditch these bags now.

17.  An assortment of crappy jobs are a twenty something rite of passage. Figure out what you need to learn there and learn it. If you don’t, an assortment of crappy jobs might be your thirty, forty and fifty something rite of passage as well.

18.  Great ideas alone mean nothing. Your ability to persevere through 16 major setbacks, a lack of passion, forgetting why you started this great idea in the first place, and all the people who allude that your great idea is actually quite terrible — well, that means everything.

19.  The grass is always greener on the other side, until you get there and realize it’s because of all the manure.

20.  Constantly try to reduce your attachment to possessions.

21.  Family is family forever.  Remember that and treat them that way accordingly.  You may not think you need this much family right now but you do.  You just don’t realize.  Remember how blessed you are to have people who care about you.

Remember that no matter what, I love you.  And that you are special and worthy just for being you. 

Happy Birthday Nikolas!  

The Way You Do The Things You Do

"The Way You Do The Things You Do"
You've got a smile so bright, you know you could have been a candle
I'm holding you so tight, you know you could have been a handle
The way you swept me off my feet, you know you could have been a broom
The way you smell so sweet, you know you could have been some perfume

[Chorus:]
Well, you could have been anything that you wanted to
And I can tell, the way you do the things you do

As pretty as you are, you know you could have been a flower
If good looks was a minute, you know that you could be an hour
The way you stole my heart, you know you could have been a crook
And baby you're so smart, you know you could have been a schoolbook

[Chorus]

You made my heart so rich, you know you could have been some money
And baby you're so sweet, you know you could have been some honey

[Chorus]

You really swept me off my feet, you made my life complete

You made my life so bright, you make me feel alright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like to think that if there is a song that shows my viewpoint of how Dad felt about Mom, this one would be it.  As a child I'm sure that I had a very idealized concept of their relationship.  Nonetheless, I got to see the sweet stuff.  My dad was a salesman and all you had to do was see how mom handled his appearance to know that it was a labor of love just by the effort she put into making him look super sharp.  She picked the most beautiful suits, shirts, vests and ties.  Mom could have been a stylist.   She was so good at knowing what looked good on him.  To my dad's dying day, he might not have been in suits towards the end, but he always had a carefully folded cloth handkerchief in his pocket.   But not just folded; ironed and crisp and white too.  To me, that's how my mom loved my dad because she cared about him and those little details.  And I don't mean that she cleaned and cooked and did all those other things.  Her daily activities where pretty normal.  But it's what Mom fit through the cracks that showed her love.  For Dad, that meant beautifully ironed white crisp handkerchiefs.  She didn't have to go to all that effort.  I say that as I know that the laundry that I did yesterday is sitting in the dryer or as I call it "Our Circular Dresser."  

For me it was when Mom made pancakes and she would take the time to make teenie tiny pancakes for me.  I'm talking small.  The biggest were about the size of a quarter and the littlest ones were mere splatters.  Then Mom would carefully wrangle all of those bitty and uncooperative pancakes off the griddle and onto my plate.  That's love.  She didn't have to do it.  But every Saturday she did them for me even though it took up a lot of time.  But she did it because she knew I loved it.  It was special.  Mom still does little things for all of us to this day that lets us know her love.  She doesn't buy birthday cards but rather paints a delicate and detailed picture in her watercolors.  And it's always something that speaks to each of our personalities and interests.  It's those subtle touches that make you know that you are loved.   And there are too many other things here to mention but, believe me, we know that we are loved.

Now Dad went about this process in a very different way.  People would look at my parents and say, "Wow, Ray just absolutely adores Dee."  And he was a very demonstrative person and loved to gift mom.  I'm sure I've mentioned in other blogs that my dad was Santa so there is a reason for his need to be a thoughtful  and loving gifter.  I love photos like this one below because it reminds me that they both really loved each other and had different ways of showing it.  They were always so affectionate.  There was lots of hugging and always goodnight kisses since Mom went to bed before Dad.  That was supposed to be so Dad could watch Johnny Carson but really it was so Dad could watch the first 5 minutes, fall asleep, and then complain all morning about how bad his back hurt after sleeping half the night on the floor.  But he would always give mom a big smooch and a hug on his way to sit and groan at the dinning room table.

They both had things that they did the way they did but, believe me,
they loved each other very much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now then, I told you that story in order to tell you this one.  

Yesterday we spent the 4th of July over at my Mom's house.  It was a perfectly pastoral scene all day.  The ultimate vision of a country afternoon.  It's a rare day at any summer event that we all stay outside for the entire day.  We just didn't want to budge from that deck.  We had a multilayered view of nature and also a multilayer view of sweet young ladies stomping around in the creek.  I'm very sure that, as legend tells us, that their laughter was caught in the water and kept there between the rocks so that, when we are long gone, other children will also come to that creek and they will hear the laughter of our children in the bubbling of that brook.  I know that when my daughter and nieces are down there that they are hearing the laughs of me and my friends.  We too loved that creek.  It was full of adventure, and magic, and laughter, and innovation.  My friends and I, we were builders.   We would scavenge build sites (something I'm sure our mothers would never have let us to ) and we would build all manner of contraptions to see what we could get to float down the reek and how far it would go before it got caught.  We were constantly searching for new materials.  But I'm getting a  bit off track here.  

It's been 13 years since Dad passed and over the past few weeks mom has tackled the most physically and emotionally daunting task of breaking down his workshop.  She and cleaned it all out and had all of his tools, some of my grandpas tools, and even some of my great-grandpa's tools.  Most of us just wanted the tools for decorative purposes.  Most of them will go up on mantles or places on display shelves.  Nick was really excited to find many tools that he will be able to use in his field of engineering.  He was beside himself at some of the rare and exciting things he found.  

But the one thing he did come up with was a retractable self-chalking chalk line.  Dad's pride and joy.  And I laughed because it too was a symbol of the way my parents would do the things they do.  Never was a day more exciting when my mom would announce to my dad that she wanted to rearrange a room.  That would send Dad off to get his tool box, a giant old wooden red level, and the retractable self-chalking chalk line.  Then Mom would spend some time moving things here and there and she'd step back and eye-ball it and then make the minor corrections needed.  After working this way for a while, Mom would give the thumbs up and Dad would come in with the chalk line to rehang the pictures.  This was also my cue to come in too since I was the Sorcerers Apprentice.  My one job was to hold the end of the chalk line, super tight, and not let it scoot even the width of a kittens whisker or the whole thing was ruined and we'd have to start over.  After much work with the level we would be ready to use that line.  I would hold it as tight as I could and watch wide eyed as Dad would snap it back and twang it against the wall.  There would be a small poof of blue dust and then the most perfect straight line would appear on the wall.  We would repeat this process over and over until the wall was cris-crossed with straight, perfect bright blue lines.  (Now that I'm older I know, or at least I suspect, that Mom didn't see the beautiful perfection of those lines like I did.  She would say what I would be thinking if I were in her position, "I can't believe I have all this blue crap all over my walls.)

Then came the one day when Mom wanted to rearrange a room again and when she was done Dad came running in from the "on deck circle", also known as our dining room table.  That's when mom did something different that day.  There will be no levels today, no perfect blue lines, no hours of squinting; what she did next changed history that day.  She said something like, "How hard can it be to hang a painting?  I think I can do it if I just eyeball it.  I've got a pretty good sense of space."  At that moment I was hoping that Mom's "sense of space" was better than Dad's "sense of direction" otherwise we were all in trouble.  

So Dad sat down with a smile and said, "Go right ahead."  Now that I'm a grown-up married person, I now realize that the part of the sentence Dad didn't say was, "...I'll just wait here until this plan fails horribly and I step in to fix it."  Mom did indeed start the eyeballing.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  And then 10 minutes later she was done and the pictures were hung beautifully.  They were all level, spaced correctly, and arranged artistically.  This led to much griping from Dad about how some people think that they have "a good eye" but he still thinks that the pictures are crooked.  And when I say "much griping" I mean years of debate over whether or not the pictures in all our house were hung correctly or were just un-level death traps waiting to fall and crush us as we walk by.  From first gripe to last my mom always did the same thing; she would smile a big smile, give him a flash of "a look", and then walk away.  After a long time Dad came around and started bragging about how Mom could just eyeball a room and know where everything should go.  

Whether they were doing sweet and loving things for each other or having the occasional "agree to disagree" moment over a difference of opinion, I have to say, I love the way my parents did the things they did.

How we do the
things we do,
Wilt Family Style!

Enjoy
The
Song!