Time Changes All Wounds

Today is the 13th anniversary of when my dad died. 

 
Having written that opening line, I have to say that I’ve been sitting here for a good ten minutes trying to absorb and process how I feel about that information.  I have spent the past 13 years going through a kaleidoscope of emotions when it comes to this day.  This year and last year were both very rough.  I have discovered that there is no rhyme or reason when it comes to how I feel when this date rolls around every year.  But after 13 years of it, I can say that I gained a small amount of perspective over it.  The phrase is supposed to be that time heals all wounds.  But I think that when it comes to losing someone you love, time doesn’t heal the wound, it just changes it.  13 years ago, I expected to be “over it” by now or to at least have gained some zen-like wisdom about the whole thing.  But right now I find myself feeling sad and bitter.  I’m sure that 13 years from now I’ll have gained a whole new perspective but for now I think it’s worth hitting the pause button and examining how I’m feeling in this moment.  

I think that the past two anniversaries of his death have been particularly difficult because of the amount of time that has gone by and how, when I look at the family that Dad knew when he died, I realize that those people are gone too.  We have all changed so much and he is this memory that is frozen in time.  I get sad when I see “the kids” (meaning all the nieces and nephews, being so changed and grown up and how Dad would have gotten such a kick out of knowing them.  It makes me sad to see Linda being out on her own now and so strong an independent and he can’t see that.  We might have had to have bailed in out of jail once or twice during the divorce but he would be so happy to see the journey she’s been on and how much she fought and climbed to get there.  And he would be the first to tell her that he knew she had it in her all along.  I hate that he doesn’t know Donni, Laurie’s amazing boyfriend.  They would have loved each other and perhaps gotten into some trouble together.  I’m sad that Dad can’t see how Laurie’s career has grown and is every changing and she is always challenging herself.  She is so much like him professionally and he would really be proud of that.  I hate that he and Brian can’t have their quiet one on one chats.  I don’t know what all they talked about but I know that Brian and my dad both cherished them and Brian must miss that.  Dad liked showing Brian how to do various things around the house.  Dad would have loved hanging out with Brian, Jim, and Donni and talking about manly pursuits and dreaming big dreams.  I hate that Dad didn’t live long enough to see his baby girl, Lisa, retire from the truly spectacular teaching career that he had no doubt that she would have.  I’m sad that he can’t see her working now at Barnes and Noble because he would be in there once a week or more and letting everyone know that she was his little girl.

I hate that he only knew his grandkids as babies.  Sure, they were cute them but they have grown up to be such extraordinary creatures and the grandkids that he knew are just as frozen in time as he is.  I’ll never forget the day that he pointed to Emma and Savannah and, with tears in his eyes, said, “I’m going to miss seeing those two as teenagers.  They are going to be quite a pair.”  He knew it back then.  Don’t get me wrong, all the grandkids are unique, marvelous, special and amazing in their own way.  But Emma and Savannah have a special “Goofy Goober” quality that Lisa and I dearly hope that they never ever lose.  

Most of all I hate that he can’t see Mom right now.  The timing of when he died just didn’t seem fair.  They had both worked hard all their lives and, when they retired, they were going to travel and explore and have adventures and Dad was going to make toys in his workshop and Mom was going to paint and they were going to do all the things that they had put aside because they were too busy being parents to four daughters and having careers.  But pretty much as soon as (and a little bit before really) Dad retired, he got sick and then sicker and then really sick and mom became his caregiver then before we knew it, it was all over.  I hate that he can’t see mom now.  He would be so proud of her painting.  He would brag to their friends about how he has a wife that walks 5 miles a day and lifts weights and still has the “Best Figure” (an honor bestowed upon her in her high school yearbook).  I’m sure that he would have built for her the fanciest painting easel imaginable along with a portable version as well.

This same feeling of time passing hit me this week when we went over to see the giant tree that Mom had to have cut down.  Dad will always be a part of this family but life goes on and things change and he is now a person frozen in time.  I know that we can keep his memory alive.  And I know that we can go out into the world and make a difference inspired by the person he was and in that way he lives on through us and other people.  That all sounds great.  And most other days I believe that.  But on days like today when I’m having trouble being noble all I can think about it how much I would give to have just an afternoon with him to catch up.  To show him Mom’s paintings and talk about all the cool things that she’s doing now.

In the long run, I’ve been left with the feeling this week that time doesn’t not always heal all wounds.  There are some wounds that, at best, just change over time.  I think that some wounds aren’t supposed to completely heal because they become a part of who we are.  They shape us and change us and we wouldn’t be the beautifully complicated and interesting people we are today without them.  The one thing that I did decide this week is to stop searching for what set limit of time is right for me to finally be all healed and over it.  That will never happen.  There will be good years and bad years and years that are just in-between.  But there is no right answer and that’s okay.  This isn’t a wound you can heal, only one you can change.

We love you Dad.  We miss you.

My dad’s favorite song is below.  I hope you enjoy.

"What A Wonderful World"

And his favorite poem.

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate romance and love and kissy-face fealty ranging from the sweet to the obnoxious. Though no one has pinpointed the exact origin of the holiday, one good place to start is ancient Rome, where men hit on women by, well, hitting them.  Seriously.  From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.  Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.  The brutal fete included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, um, coupled up for the duration of the festival – or longer, if the match was right.  Still think your Valentine’s Day is going to be bad?  Then think about what you just read and know it could be worse.  Then again, I’m not an ancient Roman so who know how I would have felt about this, um, charming ritual. 

William Shakespeare helped romanticize Valentine's Day in his work, and it gained popularity throughout Britain and the rest of Europe.  As the years went on, the holiday grew sweeter. Chaucer and Shakespeare romanticized it in their work, and it gained popularity throughout Britain and the rest of Europe. Handmade paper cards became the tokens-du-jour in the Middle Ages.

Eventually, the tradition made its way to the New World. The industrial revolution ushered in factory-made cards in the 19th century. And in the early 1900s, Hallmark Cards of Kansas City, Mo., began mass producing valentines. February has not been the same since.

And so the celebration of Valentine's Day goes on, in varied ways. Many will break the bank buying jewelry and flowers for their beloveds. Others will celebrate in a SAD (that's Single Awareness Day) way, dining alone and binging on self-gifted chocolates. A few may even be spending this day the same way the early Romans did. But let's not go there.

In looking up some of these facts about Valentine’s Day, I found the quotes below.  I had a completely different set of quotes that I was going to use here but these were too precious not to share. 

I will, however, share one quote about love.  Because I think that the most important love is knowing to love yourself.  Thus my favorite love quote from RuPaul: 

Amen!  

Children, aged 5 to 10, were asked questions about what they thought of love and marriage.  The results are funny, honest, and pretty interesting:

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Love and Marriage:

· "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

· "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

· "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5

· "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6

· "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

· "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

· "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

· "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

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Kissing:

· "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

· "You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7

· "I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

· "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7

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How People In Love Act:

· "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

· "They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

· "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

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How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

· "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6

· "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

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Deciding Who To Marry:

· "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10

· "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10

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Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:

· "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

· "Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

· "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8

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Good Advice:

· "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8· "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7· "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8· "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8· "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8

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What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:

· "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9

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Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

· "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

· "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

· "'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

· "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

· "'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7


 

Becoming A Grown Up...On Occasion

Oddly enough, I have been working on this story about being an official grown up and twice in the past two days the topic came up, unprompted by me, while talking to other people.  Even though I was only about halfway done writing, I thought it was worth mentioning the coincidence.  Last night I was out with friends and we were talking about how old, and sometimes not old, we feel.  And then today I was talking to my mom and joking with her that she is such a good role model for us because she truly subscribes to the notion that you are only as old as you feel in your own mind.  And we also like to tease her about how often she fusses whenever someone tries to “treat her like some old lady”.  I love her so much for that.

But in all our lives we do reach a day where we look back and realize that we have grown up when it comes to certain things.  If our 20 year old selves could see us now they would probably think that we’re ancient.  This week I’ll be turning 44 and what 20-year-old-me didn't know back then is that, for the most part, I don’t feel that much different.  Sure I've matured and my views have changed with life experience but I still just feel like, well, me.

The truth is, adulthood doesn't pour down on you like a pop-up thunderstorm. It's more like walking through a slow drizzle, the mist gradually building up on your clothes until you suddenly realize "Holy cow, I'm soaked. When did that happen?" It's all about perspective. A change so gradual that you won't even notice it until it just happens.

Even though age is just a number I think that there are 5 key things that you learn as you grow up.  Things that 20-year-old-you didn't quite get but now they seem a lot clearer.

#5. You Become Embarrassed of Your Past Self (And Then You Let It Go)

When you've been out of school for about five years, there's a small, superficial switch that gets flipped, and you look back on those yearbook pictures with sort of a giggling embarrassment. "Oh my God, I can't believe I used to dress like that! Look at my hair! I can't believe I ever thought an ozone killing layer of hairspray was a good idea." After you get a few more years of life and work under your belt, another switch gets flipped -- this one much deeper to your core, and there is no giggling about it.

That's when you start to really examine the way you acted and the beliefs that you awkwardly blurted out during a time when you were still just learning the most basic education that school systems have to offer. You think of your old worldviews and philosophies, backed by exactly zero experience, and you cringe. What you wouldn't give to travel back in time and kick your own ass. That's what happens when you store your old awkward poetry online.

The problem that I (and many other people) have is that we tend to hold on to those ridiculous, embarrassing times and beat ourselves up over it. That's not healthy. Now don't get me wrong. If there's some sort of psychological benefit to telling yourself "I'm no longer going to let my past stress me out," then by all means do that. But for most of us, letting go just sort of happens as you make peace with the fact that, yes, you used to be the type of person you'd personally throw rocks at. But not anymore.














No, seriously, let's sit down with our past selves and discuss politics and religion. It'll be fun!

That doesn't mean that you forget the past. Far from it. You just stop letting it dictate how you feel today. Because the longer you stew on that stuff, the harder it is to get control of the reins and steer life the way you want it to go.

#4. You Start Double Thinking Your Actions

Saying "You start double thinking your actions" sounds a little weird at first because you learn to weigh consequences at a pretty young age. "If I touch the stove, it will burn me." The difference between a child and an adult doing this, though, is that as a kid, the consequences are generally pointed inward. “What happens to me if I tell the teacher she's a hag?”

You know you've made a huge step toward adulthood when you start regularly thinking about how your words and actions affect other people. Especially when dealing with anger.
No, you're probably not going to master this because you're not Gandhi, and there are going to be situations that are well beyond your means to control. But under most circumstances, we're able to see in advance how our actions are going to make the situation better or worse because our experiences have taught us enough about human nature to fairly accurately predict the next step in the Karma Dance.

"Karma Dance, Karma Dance - Everybody takin' the cha-a-a-ance"

That's why I know 50-year-old people who I'll never label as adults. Those are the ones who know the steps and outcomes, but they use that knowledge as a weapon. You've met plenty of them -- people who know exactly what button to push in order to suck you into a full-blown, rage-fueled argument. They use their experiences for aggression, to get that adrenaline fix that comes with anger and confrontation. Those aren't the actions of an adult. They're the actions of a temperamental, selfish child.

That's why it's up to you as an adult to learn how to let certain things go. Like smartass remarks that serve no other purpose than to goad you into a confrontation. Someone trying to argue with you about something you have 100 times more knowledge and experience with. Someone trying to move in on your clearly marked gang territory.

Of course, you could take that a step further if you go the opposite direction: knowing that your actions, while having no benefit to you, will help someone else. Giving a couple of dollars to a good charity. Helping an old lady with her groceries. It's still double thinking, just in a way that non-adults aren't normally known for.

#3. You Stop Following Through on the Desire to Break Stuff

Ladies, you'll have to pardon me for a second on this one, because I see this far more frequently in guys. At the very least, it might help you understand some of the stories that your guy and his friends reminisce about.

On a physical scale, there's a phase that boys go through where they get destructive urges, like vandalism. Maybe it's nothing big, like soaping windows on Halloween or smashing toys with hammers, or throwing bricks through windows. But the urge is there, and mastering that urge is a learned process. In those real-world cases, the kid has parents, teachers, police, and peers to step in and put a stop to it. They're taught consequences, and they eventually shape those lessons into engrained morals ... if we're lucky.

#2. You Learn Ways to Make Responsibility Suck Less

One day at your job you suddenly notice that you start to view menial tasks as stepping stones to something better and not grunt work that gets you nowhere. The more responsibility you take on, the more you grow in money and power. Yes, you're just packing boxes at the local warehouse, but do it better than everyone else, and now you're supervising other packers. Supervise better than the other supervisors, and now you're managing. Manage better than the other managers, and now you are the king of Cuba. Or whatever they have as a ruler there. I don't know how it’s done there, but I'm pretty sure that's the way it works.

This is a perspective that changes out of necessity because if you looked at every responsibility as a personal torture, you'd let your life go to hell and/or go insane. And putting a finish line on an otherwise crappy chore isn't just some BS optimistic hippie talk. It's a direct answer to the question "Why am I doing this?" If the answer is ever "Because I have to," maybe it's time to re-evaluate the task or your outlook on life, because one of them is a problem.

#1. You Realize That it Actually Matters to People if Something Happens to You

Fair warning: This isn't the cheeriest rule. I'll do my best to keep it light, but if it wasn't important, I wouldn't bring it up.

My dad died at age 68. He was a diabetic and, to be honest, he didn't respect the disease.  My mom did, a lot.  I’m not trying to speak ill of my father or of the departed but that was 13 years ago and it took me getting the disease to appreciate fully what my mom went through.  And then I was angry that I lost my dad when I was 30 because he was too stubborn to value himself or his role in our lives.  I know if he could do it over he would.  But he can’t and that’s the point.  He may be the one that’s gone but we are the ones left with the void of someone dying too young when they could have done something about it.

What really scares me is that I easily see on Facebook dozens of articles and messages from young people saying that they are/were thinking about hurting themselves or committing suicide.  And there is no way for us to convey to them the amount of people they're about to screw over by doing that because in their current state of mind, they feel genuinely alone. They can't see the chain reaction of guilt, anger, sadness, and regret that mushrooms out like a nuclear explosion when something like that happens. And they definitely don't understand that no amount of reassurance in their note will convince a single person that it wasn't their fault.  They don't realize that every person they've spoken to feels the crushing grip of failure every time they think of what happened. "I know I could have said or done something to prevent it.

I fully realize that plenty of adults go through this -- it's not a teenagers-only deal. But when you're an adult, all of that is on your shoulders, which means you have to recognize that the situation isn't normal, and you have to get up and pursue a cure yourself. Because adults get stuff fixed, including themselves.  So whether it’s an emotional problem or a physical problem, part of moving from 20-year-old-you thinking to grown up thinking is realizing that you can’t just wallow in your own drama or ignore important health problems because you know that you aren't the only one that can get hurt.

And for the finale...

The video below was a favorite in my family.  We listened to this in the car on every single trip we took.  It’s a song I find myself humming often while going about my daily grown up life.  I think that 20-year-old-me would be happy to know grown up me and to see that, even though I have grown up and out of some things, I still “Stay On The Sunny Side”.  I hope you enjoy it!  It's super corny but worth the time.

Peace Be The Journey ~ Happy Holidays Everyone!

And so it begins again.  The annual onslaught of righteous indignation over whether we should say Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas to one another.  Given my constant amazement at the lack of customer service in most stores, I’m happy if they say pretty much anything to me at all.  In a day and age where even eye contact seems to be too much to ask, should we really be bellyaching about these two little words?  According to the endless pictures I’ve seen posted recently, apparently it’s a VERY BIG DEAL. 

In a country that was built on cultural diversity and freedom of religion, I don’t get why, every time people are exposed to something different or unfamiliar, they feel the need to hit it with a brick.  This country is more culturally and religiously diverse than ever before.  Christians, like a family with many siblings, need to understand that we can have more than one religion and still love them all.  Isn’t that what parents of more than one child tell us all the time.  Just because there is more than one doesn’t mean that we love the others any less.   

And this is true with Christmas.  Just because there are other holidays during December, doesn’t take anything away from Christmas.  I’m baffled by Christians that not only reject the saying of Happy Holidays but have gone so far as to correct or chastise people when it is said to them.  How about you accept the Happy Holiday with a smile and a nod and return with a joyful Merry Christmas and be gracious in the fact that the person took the time to wish you happiness. 

This is a season of Hope, Love, Peace, and Joy.  And that is a theme in pretty much all the celebrations going on this time of year.  I don’t think that there is a candle of Bitterness on the Advent wreath.  Or a candle of Exclusion on a Menorah.  And last time I checked, there is no candle of Ingratitude in Kwanzaa.  Interesting that I was able to name three celebrations that all use candle lighting as a way to honor and remember the spirit of their holiday.   

So the Merry Christmas vs Happy Holiday debate that is not complicated and is solved with basic etiquette. If you know someone is a Christian who is celebrating Christmas you should say to them 'Merry Christmas.' Likewise, say 'Happy Hanukkah' to a person you know is Jewish, etc.  and please let your friends know that saying Happy Hanukkah does not turn you Jewish just by saying it and it doesn’t take away any of your Christianity.  I checked this on Google and Fox News so you can trust me on this one. 

Now the next thing that we need to settle is that, just as saying Happy Holidays doesn’t erase your beliefs, sanitizing religious symbols and then using them does not make you diverse.  It’s kind of like the rule I had with my kids with the names for body parts; in this house we call it by it’s real name.  A Christmas Tree is not a Celebration Tree, a Menorah is not a Holiday Candelabra, call a dreidel a dreidel and not a spinning top, etc… 

The trickiest part of the whole 'war on Christmas' is what to do about holiday celebrations in public schools, and on public property. Here again, inclusion is the way to go. We are a nation that has continued to welcome people of all religious backgrounds and no religious backgrounds. Simultaneous religious inclusion with separation of church is part of America's complex yet wonderful religious DNA.

So, let a thousand flowers bloom -- let's have Christmas carols and Hanukkah songs; Kwanzaa lessons, and Winter Solstice Songs -- let's do it all! It's so much more fun to cast a wide net where all can celebrate our traditions together rather than strip everything away to protect the delicate sensibilities of some very prickly few.

And now a special note to my fellow Christians who talk so much about the war on Christmas. I get it, for a long, long time Christianity was dominant in the United States and represented the civic religion of the country. But America is about the people who are here now, and that is a much more diverse group. And that's good! It is time to stop insisting that everything revolves around us. Instead, let's join the wider circle of the many traditions that make up our country. Besides, any Christian knows that Christmas is not about displays in shopping malls, or capitols, or schools, it is about a spiritual event that we honor most in our families and our homes.

So, Merry Christmas, Christians; Happy Hanukkah, Jews; Super Solstice, Pagans; Hurray, Human Light Humanists; Joyous Kwanzaa to African Diaspora and to everyone all together -- Happy Holidays. See you at the party!

There. The war on Christmas is officially over.  Peace be the journey.

A Letter to Nick & Savannah

Both of my kids, Nick and Savannah, are reaching milestone birthdays in the next year.  Savannah turns 16 this month and Nick will be 21 in July.  I never miss a chance to “bless” the kids with my own strange mixed bag of life lessons, and I’m pretty sure that they are paying attention, but I thought it might be time to put a few in writing.  Also, writing grand Open Letter statements seems to be all the rage these days so why not write one to my children?

Dear Nick and Savannah,

I may try to guide, mold and yes, at times control you; forgive me, knowing that I only have your best interests at heart and what I believe to be true may not be the best thing for you – remember, I too am working at applying this list in my own life at times. 

1.  Be responsible for your own path.

You are the pilot of your plane, the captain of your vessel – you alone will weather the storms and enjoy the sunny skies. You alone will embrace or shy away from each dawn and each setting sun.  With the taking of responsibility comes strength and power. Know, believe and live each day firm in the knowledge that you and you alone are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions and they carry immense power and impact. Take responsibility and choose wisely.

2. Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone and try new things.

Life is not designed to be comfortable for any amount of time; if you can know, believe and apply this truth, you will find much more joy and far less suffering.  Push your limits, question and face your fears, challenge your beliefs and know: "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." - Neale Donald Walsch. 

3. Let your freak flag fly.

If you allow kindness to guide you, you need not worry about going against the grain – just because everyone is doing something does not make it the right thing to be doing.  Find confidence in your uniqueness, your own authentic expression of self, rather than in your ability to conform.  Follow your heart, be brave, strive to do the right thing, rather than the popular thing.

4. School isn’t as much about English, Science and Math, as it is about witnessing and experiencing a wonderful, devastating, chaotic, coming of age social experiment. 

Don’t get me wrong – your classes & education are important, knowledge is power.  All that I’m saying is that you will gain more life skills outside of the classroom – building strong communication skills and observing how people relate to one another is crucial, this is knowledge that will be applied throughout your life, every day.  Developing your people skills, social skills and intuition will take you just as far, if not farther than anything you take from a text book. And always remember, avoid judging someone based on what it looks like they know on paper.  Knowledge and wisdom can come from a variety of sources. 

5. Don’t believe everything you hear or read. 

This is especially true in the day and age of the internet.  Just because someone posts it doesn’t make it true.  We used to be able to rely on news and media outlets to do responsible fact checking.  Unfortunately, those days are long dead.  You have to be your own fact checker.  If someone passes something along to you, check it out first before you put any believe in it.  If a story sounds too sensational or too outrageous then chances are that it’s not true.  And that also goes for what you hear.  Don’t be too quick to believe what interesting stories or gossip people are willing to pass on.  Remember, if you hear a rumor and take it as fact it’s likely that you can fall victim to the same thing.   

6. Friendships are important, build them. Nurture them.

Surround yourself with people that build you up, rather than put you down. Ensure that those with whom you choose to spend your time are worthy of you; their words, their actions, their values. Know, believe and apply this and you will be supported through all of the adversity, the struggles and the life lessons that will appear on your path. 

7. If you shine a light in all areas of your life, there will be no room for negativity to grow. 

 There will always be people that find fault in you, in their own circumstances, in life in general.  Encourage positivity. Avoid negativity. Focus and spend your energy on positive thoughts and actions. Like attracts like – know, believe, apply. 

8. Sometimes it’s better to just eat the lemon, rather than waste your time making lemonade. 

Often, it is the stuff that doesn’t taste so great that is the best thing for you. Life will continually present you with challenges; these are intended to help you grow, to shine, to find yourself.  Eat the lemon knowing and believing in the fact that although you can’t see it happening, it is providing healing and cultivation.  Life doesn’t always promise sweetness.  Sometimes you have to just square your shoulders and push through. 

9. Keep your mind wide open.

There are not two people in the world who see things in exactly the same way. Be open to new ideas, beliefs, and perspectives. There is something to be learned from everyone that you meet, from each and every situation in which you find yourself.  You can never know what journey another individual is on; avoid judgment – stay open.

10. The more you give, the more you get. 

It is through the giving that you open yourself up to fully receive. When you share your things, your time, your talents with others you will feel a light ignite, warming you up from the inside out. Shine that light.

11. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with you; honor yourself and your body.

The foundation of all relationships is respect.  Without respect, nothing healthy is able to take root. By honoring yourself and your body, recognizing the beauty within and the possibilities available to you, you will ensure that you only allow for relationships that foster your passions and your true self.  The ones, which allow you plenty of room to grow, while still supporting you and sheltering you from the storms.

12. Follow your bliss.

 Take the time to discover what it is that makes you feel alive, what stirs your soul and then follow.  This is not to say that it will be an easy road; however, the adversity that you face will be far less foreboding and threatening when you know, believe in and follow your bliss.

And through it all have fun, laugh, shine and live big. And always, always know that I love and support you in all that you chose to do. My heart swells with love and gratitude for you and all of the possibilities that lie before you.

And when all else fails, LAUGH!

How To Eliminate Poisonous Pals And Identify Frenemies

If you have teens or tweens in your house, you have had to struggle with the issue of the Poisonous Pal.  Mean Girls used to start in High School but these toxic influences seem to be creeping into our children's lives at younger and younger levels.  So how do you help your child deal with navigating those Poisonous Pals and Frenemies?  The first thing you have to do as a parent is to resist tracking down these kids and whispering a few vague but unprovable threats in their ears.  Or maybe that's just me.  When it comes to my kids, I could give any Jersey Mobster a run for their money.

So you have identified that your child may have a toxic relationship.  Since you have already realized that it's not in your best interest to hire on an older kid to talk some sense into your potential target you have to realize that no matter what you do your children will encounter these people in their lives.  You can't control that.  But what you can control is how you teach your child to react to these toxic relationships.  Give them the tools that they need to identify a Poisonous Pal and then the skills needed to handle a person like that.

Have a talk with your child about the friend and ask them the following question:
"Take the friend you have in question, and ask yourself this: 'How do they make me feel?'"

If it’s anything that strays far from “UH-MAZING”, then your friendship needs some evaluating. Friends should leave you feeling inspired and happy. These are the people who are supposed to put you at ease, help you have fun and deal with the challenges of life. If a friend stresses you out, makes you feel like less of a person or exhausts you, then chances are the relationship is not a healthy one.

It’s sometimes hard to see it when you’re in it, so let me lay out these huge red flags:

Poisonous pals ARE NOT PALS AT ALL, and they often bear these traits:

Consistently Negative
There is always something wrong in this person’s life and there is always something to complain about. When it’s not their parents/school/date ruining their life, then they make an effort to point out what they think is wrong in your life. Toxic friends will go out of their way to either boo-hoo or bring down, whether it’s how they’ll never find a job in this economy or reminding you of all the taxes that come with your new raise.

Have No Respect
These “friends” don’t give a hoot about your boundaries, your needs, or anything, for that matter. All they know is what they need from you and that they expect to get it. No is never an acceptable answer, even if you’re only blowing off your day at the mall together to go spend time with your father who has to undergo surgery for cancer. Seems logical to any normal empathetic person, but poisonous pals are not empathetic, they are selfish. If you ever feel that you can’t say no to them, even for a completely valid and fair reason, then it’s time to start planning your escape route.

Your Worst Critic
We’re hard enough on ourselves, we don’t need help from anyone else! Toxic friends get off on that sort of thing. They love scoffing at every out of place hair, putting down your significant other or attacking your latest attempt at a fashion change. You see, real friends don’t care if your hair is messy. They respect your relationships and– get this– they support your ambitions. Staying in a “friendship” with someone who is constantly making you feel bad about yourself is destructive to every part of your life, even if it’s just having the confidence to get out on the dance floor. But when you have to take that big risk, don’t you want a friend who’s there saying, “You can do it”?

Have A Tragedy Every Day
Poisonous people turn normal, every day problems into national disasters. There is always a pending crisis in these people’s lives, even if it’s just a parent forgetting to put their sheets in dryer. Things like hitting red lights all the way home, which is just a part of five o’clock traffic to most of us, can ruin their entire evening. Their negativity spawns from the smallest thing and then spreads from there.

Always A Victim
In your friendship, does everything seem to be your fault, even if it defies all basic logic? Well, toxic friends have a way of never being guilty and never admit to even the smallest of infractions. There is nothing they can do wrong and any problems that they face were obviously caused by someone else. Poisonous people can’t take responsibility for their own actions and manipulate situations and people to pawn the blame on someone else.

If any of these remind you of one of your “friends,” chances are you are suffering from an unhealthy friendship. But on the inside, you probably already knew that. You know when you are being treated badly, it’s just about recognizing these people’s habits that hurt you and having the conviction to stand up for yourself. That’s the hard part, finally finding your voice and putting your foot down. Most of these toxic friends find ways to be controlling, manipulative and downright scary to challenge even when you know you’re in the right.

So, you realize you have to get out of the friendship, but how?

Here are some tips on moving on:

Don’t Cut Them Off All Of A Sudden
This will probably just enrage them which will end up in a huge blow out that will also probably involve them trash talking you from here to Taiwan and making your life a general hell. It will only exacerbate the situation.

Don’t Try To Fix Them
This is a lost cause that will just leave you exhausted from going in circles. As we already discussed, poisonous people are never at fault. They will find a way to be the victim again and manipulate their way back into control of the relationship. These people will never change until they want to change themselves.

Stick Up For Your Yourself
This is easy once you start setting boundaries and being honest, which are not easy to put in place if you’ve been Drama Queen’s door mat for years, but it must be done. If your toxic friend invites you out and you want to stay in tonight and read, tell them that. Tell them you’ve set aside this time for your new book, a trip to the gym, a nice relaxing soak in the tub after a hard week and stick to it! You’re allowed to live your life.

Also, let these people know when you are not comfortable with the way they are acting. The more you speak up about how it bothers you that they are saying terrible things about your mutual friend, the derogatory things they say about your family or whatever other negative ways they impact you, the more strength you give yourself.

Spend Less Time With Them
Get busy. Focus more on school or making plans with some of your friends that are fun– anything that makes you happy! The more time you spend doing things you enjoy or hanging out with people that make you laugh your butt off, the easier it will be to say no to your toxic friend because you now know how easy it is to be happy and have a good time. The less time you spend with them, the less control they have on you.

Detach Emotionally
Now that you are more than aware of how this person is and you are becoming stronger everyday, the easier it will be to detach yourself from the situation and their negative energy. If you realize these are just unhappy people, the way they put you down or make you feel will not have the power it did before. You will be brave enough to walk away and let go, which is exactly what you need to do.

From there on out, only seek out people that make you feel loved and inspired and all the happiness in the world will be yours! Surround yourself with positivity and life will be positively fabulous!

And remember that it's not an easy thing to step away from these friendships.  A truly toxic person is a master at manipulation.  They will try every trick in the book to keep you on the hook because they need you to participate in the unhealthy behavior.  Being toxic isn't much fun without an audience.  They need to pull your strings like a puppet because that control is the reward that they get when they have that power in friendship.  But when it comes right down to it, real friends should lift you up, not knock you down.  Toxic friends might be there to lift you up but only after they knocked you down to begin with and that's not what friendship is all about.

Be aware, be strong and know that you are worthy of being treated like the exceptional person that you are.

The Sochi Games a "Teachable Moment For The World"

 In February, athletes the world over will converge on Sochi, Russia, for the 2014 Winter Olympics. The games will feature athletes seeking to live out their dreams of going for the gold.

For a number of reasons, people have been calling for the government to consider boycotting Sochi because of the controversy surrounding Russia potentially offering whistle-blower Edward Snowden asylum rather than returning him to the United States to face trial.  Others have expressed concerns regarding the country recently enacting new anti-gay laws. LGBT activists asked the U.S. to boycott Sochi for that reason, even though Olympics officials tried to assuage concerns that out athletes and LGBT tourists from other countries might be victims of the new laws.

The idea of boycotting an Olympics obviously is not a new one. In 1980, President Jimmy Carter announced the United States would not send its athletes to Moscow, and the Soviets responded in kind by boycotting the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. The United States has had a longstanding embargo on Cuba shortly after Fidel Castro assumed full dictatorial control over that country.

The respective boycotts of each country's Olympics didn't do much to hurt their respective governments. Carter gave Moscow an ultimatum to withdraw from Afghanistan within one month, while Moscow's boycott was seen as retaliation. The embargo slapped on Cuba by the United States largely prevents American goods and citizens from traveling to Cuba.

In the case of a potential boycott of Sochi, regardless of whether Snowden or the anti-gay laws are the primary reason for implementing it, forbidding American athletes from attending Sochi would hurt the athletes themselves much more than it would damage the prestige of Russia.

Figure skater Johnny Weir wrote an op-ed for "The Falls Church News-Press" in which he called on the United States to decide against a boycott.  "The people that were hurt most by the United State’s decision to boycott the Moscow Olympics in 1980 were the athletes who’d dedicated their lives to possibly having their one life-changing moment in Moscow, in front of the world, where they could display their sporting expertise and themselves as personalities," Weir wrote. He also addressed the sacrifices families make for their otherwise Olympics-bound offspring who would be prevented from competing.  "To have a boycott would not only negate the career of some athletes who have only one chance at competing at the Games, but also the over-time shifts an exhausted father takes to make ends meet, or the social acclimatization of a brother who can’t go on spring break because his brother needed another costume, or the mother who works part-time at a job far beneath her, just so she can afford to watch her first born perform for the world."

Weir also warned against playing politics with a decision about sending a delegation to the Olympics. "The Olympics are not a political statement, they are a place to let the world shine in peace and let them marvel at their youthful talents," he said.

Regardless of whether the Snowden saga or anti-gay laws are the reason for a would-be boycott, actually prohibiting American athletes from traveling to Sochi would be a mistake that would provide further erosion of already fragile relations between Moscow and Washington.

America's most famous openly-gay athlete, diver Greg Louganis, wrote a piece four days ago with the unambiguous headline: "I'm An Openly Gay Gold Medalist and I Reject the Sochi Olympics Boycott".

"Boycotting sends the wrong message and will only harm the hard-working athletes set to compete in the 2014 Olympics, not the Russian government itself," he wrote.  "I know from personal experience. My first Olympics I won Silver at age 16, and then in 1980, at the height of my diving career, President Jimmy Carter opted to boycott the 1980 Olympics in Moscow as a method of protesting the Soviet invasion in Afghanistan. The toll on fellow athletes and me was devastating. We had trained our entire lives for that one moment.  Fortunately, I was lucky enough to continue my diving career and return to compete and win two gold medals in the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles (an Olympics the Eastern Block counties boycotted) and repeat two gold medals in 1988 Olympics in Seoul. But, other athletes were not so lucky. Some of those who missed the 1980 games never had another chance to shine. This boycott hurt the wrong people, taking a toll on prominent athletes more than the country it targeted.  I'm concerned the same would be true today. There are far too many athletes for whom the 2014 Sochi Olympics represents their only chance at success. A boycott will only hurt these athletes' careers."

Louganis said he planned to use the Sochi Games as a "teachable moment for the world".

"As athletes, the most valuable thing we can do is send a strong, unified message to Russia and its president that we will not stand for this cruel and repressive treatment. We will not stop until gay people in Russia are treated with the dignity and respect they deserve," he wrote.

Regardless of whether the Snowden saga or anti-gay laws are the reason for a would-be boycott, actually prohibiting American athletes from traveling to Sochi would be a mistake hurting only lives of the young men and women who have worked so hard and sacrificed so much to get to where they are.  They have waited for this chance to represent their country with pride and to hear the cheers of support from the American people.  Don’t deny them that moment.  There are other ways to make our voices heard and to make it known to the Russian Government that we do not agree with their in-human laws.  But we can’t do it on the backs of these young athletes who are blameless in this war of human rights.  I want to see equality achieved as much as anyone else but I won’t do it by stepping on the back of someone who has sacrificed and worked so hard to achieve a dream.