For Nikolas - 21 Tips For Turning 21

21 Tips For Turning 21


Dear Nick, as I’m sure that you are well aware, you turned 21 this week.  J  I’m so proud of you and I am in awe at the brilliant young man you have become.  I can’t wait to see the next 21 years and beyond because I know that you will make an extraordinary life for yourself.  I know I’ve passed on MUCH  <don’t roll your eyes> advice to you at this point.  But I thought I’d add just a few more tips.

To My Son Nikolas on his 21^st birthday:

1.  Never looking at your budget and never making a budget is the exact same thing.

2.  The possibility for greatness and embarrassment both exist in the same space. If you’re not willing to be embarrassed, you’re probably not willing to be great.

3.  Feel no shame in seeking help from a counselor or therapist. We all have crap we try to wrap and hide under the Christmas tree. Get rid of it before it smells up your entire holiday.

4.  All job listings on Craigslist lead you to a warehouse downtown “wearing something nice with shoes you can walk in”.  Or they are porn related asking you also to "wear something nice".

5.  Don’t ever, ever check Facebook when you’re:
A.  Depressed
B.  Drinking.
C.  Depressed and Drinking
D.  Depressed and Drinking and then making phone calls at 3:00 in the morning

6.  You are your most valuable asset.  Take care of yourself first. I know you love to step in and be everything for everybody.  Believe me, they won’t return the favor.  Ever. 

7.  Your twenties will produce more failures than you’ll choose to remember. The key is when you fail, don’t begin calling yourself a failure.

8.  Every break up has two break ups. I’m no physicist, but this is a law of physics, of this I am certain. Yes you’ll have the first tearful “It’s over” sitting in the front of the TV and wondering if it would be a big deal if you never went out again. Then 1-2 months later after there’s “been talk”, you’ll have the “real breakup”. And gird those loins because in the second break up there will be a lot more breaking.  That’s when you realize it’s really over.  It hurts.  Don’t weather it alone.  You have a huge support group of friends and family. 

9.  Reckless drinking and reckless flirting have a direct correlation. Friends don’t let friends drive, or flirt, drunk.

10.  Row  your own boat. 

11. Don’t ever let anyone tell you who you are.  You are a wonderful person and, just because someone else is trying to bring you down, don’t let them do it.  Because at that point they win.  If you maintain the control of your own thought, actions and feelings then there isn’t a person on the planet who can tell you who you are. Be strong. 

12. (This one is from Grandpa) If you are out drinking, cut yourself off when you can’t remember your own name.  I think that was a joke.

13.  (This on is from Grandma) This is some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten so pay very close attention.  “Always act like you are supposed to be there and that you know exactly where you are going and no one will ever question you.”  Now there are some very funny stories attached to this wisdom but if I shared them here, Mom would kill me and bring me back to life just so she could kill me again.  Hehe Seriously, she is the best of the best when it comes to giving good advice.  She’s also good and giving out Patsy Cline tapes when you are broken hearted and need to have a cathartic moment. 

14.  Life will never feel like its “supposed to”. Being twenty-something can feel like death by unmet expectations. However, let me be so brash to say that you are right now, at this moment, exactly where you need to be. But you’ll only be able to see that five years and thirty-eight days from today.

15.  Make mistakes.  Everyone does but they just like to act like they don’t.  Make mistakes, figure out what happened or make amends, and then MOVE ON.  Your mistakes don’t define you.

16. Marriage WILL NOT fix any of your problems. No, instead marriage will put a magnifying glass on how many problems you really have. We grow up carrying bags with our insecurities, fears, bad relationships, problems with our parents — you name it. Begin to ditch these bags now.

17.  An assortment of crappy jobs are a twenty something rite of passage. Figure out what you need to learn there and learn it. If you don’t, an assortment of crappy jobs might be your thirty, forty and fifty something rite of passage as well.

18.  Great ideas alone mean nothing. Your ability to persevere through 16 major setbacks, a lack of passion, forgetting why you started this great idea in the first place, and all the people who allude that your great idea is actually quite terrible — well, that means everything.

19.  The grass is always greener on the other side, until you get there and realize it’s because of all the manure.

20.  Constantly try to reduce your attachment to possessions.

21.  Family is family forever.  Remember that and treat them that way accordingly.  You may not think you need this much family right now but you do.  You just don’t realize.  Remember how blessed you are to have people who care about you.

Remember that no matter what, I love you.  And that you are special and worthy just for being you. 

Happy Birthday Nikolas!  

The Way You Do The Things You Do

"The Way You Do The Things You Do"
You've got a smile so bright, you know you could have been a candle
I'm holding you so tight, you know you could have been a handle
The way you swept me off my feet, you know you could have been a broom
The way you smell so sweet, you know you could have been some perfume

[Chorus:]
Well, you could have been anything that you wanted to
And I can tell, the way you do the things you do

As pretty as you are, you know you could have been a flower
If good looks was a minute, you know that you could be an hour
The way you stole my heart, you know you could have been a crook
And baby you're so smart, you know you could have been a schoolbook

[Chorus]

You made my heart so rich, you know you could have been some money
And baby you're so sweet, you know you could have been some honey

[Chorus]

You really swept me off my feet, you made my life complete

You made my life so bright, you make me feel alright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like to think that if there is a song that shows my viewpoint of how Dad felt about Mom, this one would be it.  As a child I'm sure that I had a very idealized concept of their relationship.  Nonetheless, I got to see the sweet stuff.  My dad was a salesman and all you had to do was see how mom handled his appearance to know that it was a labor of love just by the effort she put into making him look super sharp.  She picked the most beautiful suits, shirts, vests and ties.  Mom could have been a stylist.   She was so good at knowing what looked good on him.  To my dad's dying day, he might not have been in suits towards the end, but he always had a carefully folded cloth handkerchief in his pocket.   But not just folded; ironed and crisp and white too.  To me, that's how my mom loved my dad because she cared about him and those little details.  And I don't mean that she cleaned and cooked and did all those other things.  Her daily activities where pretty normal.  But it's what Mom fit through the cracks that showed her love.  For Dad, that meant beautifully ironed white crisp handkerchiefs.  She didn't have to go to all that effort.  I say that as I know that the laundry that I did yesterday is sitting in the dryer or as I call it "Our Circular Dresser."  

For me it was when Mom made pancakes and she would take the time to make teenie tiny pancakes for me.  I'm talking small.  The biggest were about the size of a quarter and the littlest ones were mere splatters.  Then Mom would carefully wrangle all of those bitty and uncooperative pancakes off the griddle and onto my plate.  That's love.  She didn't have to do it.  But every Saturday she did them for me even though it took up a lot of time.  But she did it because she knew I loved it.  It was special.  Mom still does little things for all of us to this day that lets us know her love.  She doesn't buy birthday cards but rather paints a delicate and detailed picture in her watercolors.  And it's always something that speaks to each of our personalities and interests.  It's those subtle touches that make you know that you are loved.   And there are too many other things here to mention but, believe me, we know that we are loved.

Now Dad went about this process in a very different way.  People would look at my parents and say, "Wow, Ray just absolutely adores Dee."  And he was a very demonstrative person and loved to gift mom.  I'm sure I've mentioned in other blogs that my dad was Santa so there is a reason for his need to be a thoughtful  and loving gifter.  I love photos like this one below because it reminds me that they both really loved each other and had different ways of showing it.  They were always so affectionate.  There was lots of hugging and always goodnight kisses since Mom went to bed before Dad.  That was supposed to be so Dad could watch Johnny Carson but really it was so Dad could watch the first 5 minutes, fall asleep, and then complain all morning about how bad his back hurt after sleeping half the night on the floor.  But he would always give mom a big smooch and a hug on his way to sit and groan at the dinning room table.

They both had things that they did the way they did but, believe me,
they loved each other very much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now then, I told you that story in order to tell you this one.  

Yesterday we spent the 4th of July over at my Mom's house.  It was a perfectly pastoral scene all day.  The ultimate vision of a country afternoon.  It's a rare day at any summer event that we all stay outside for the entire day.  We just didn't want to budge from that deck.  We had a multilayered view of nature and also a multilayer view of sweet young ladies stomping around in the creek.  I'm very sure that, as legend tells us, that their laughter was caught in the water and kept there between the rocks so that, when we are long gone, other children will also come to that creek and they will hear the laughter of our children in the bubbling of that brook.  I know that when my daughter and nieces are down there that they are hearing the laughs of me and my friends.  We too loved that creek.  It was full of adventure, and magic, and laughter, and innovation.  My friends and I, we were builders.   We would scavenge build sites (something I'm sure our mothers would never have let us to ) and we would build all manner of contraptions to see what we could get to float down the reek and how far it would go before it got caught.  We were constantly searching for new materials.  But I'm getting a  bit off track here.  

It's been 13 years since Dad passed and over the past few weeks mom has tackled the most physically and emotionally daunting task of breaking down his workshop.  She and cleaned it all out and had all of his tools, some of my grandpas tools, and even some of my great-grandpa's tools.  Most of us just wanted the tools for decorative purposes.  Most of them will go up on mantles or places on display shelves.  Nick was really excited to find many tools that he will be able to use in his field of engineering.  He was beside himself at some of the rare and exciting things he found.  

But the one thing he did come up with was a retractable self-chalking chalk line.  Dad's pride and joy.  And I laughed because it too was a symbol of the way my parents would do the things they do.  Never was a day more exciting when my mom would announce to my dad that she wanted to rearrange a room.  That would send Dad off to get his tool box, a giant old wooden red level, and the retractable self-chalking chalk line.  Then Mom would spend some time moving things here and there and she'd step back and eye-ball it and then make the minor corrections needed.  After working this way for a while, Mom would give the thumbs up and Dad would come in with the chalk line to rehang the pictures.  This was also my cue to come in too since I was the Sorcerers Apprentice.  My one job was to hold the end of the chalk line, super tight, and not let it scoot even the width of a kittens whisker or the whole thing was ruined and we'd have to start over.  After much work with the level we would be ready to use that line.  I would hold it as tight as I could and watch wide eyed as Dad would snap it back and twang it against the wall.  There would be a small poof of blue dust and then the most perfect straight line would appear on the wall.  We would repeat this process over and over until the wall was cris-crossed with straight, perfect bright blue lines.  (Now that I'm older I know, or at least I suspect, that Mom didn't see the beautiful perfection of those lines like I did.  She would say what I would be thinking if I were in her position, "I can't believe I have all this blue crap all over my walls.)

Then came the one day when Mom wanted to rearrange a room again and when she was done Dad came running in from the "on deck circle", also known as our dining room table.  That's when mom did something different that day.  There will be no levels today, no perfect blue lines, no hours of squinting; what she did next changed history that day.  She said something like, "How hard can it be to hang a painting?  I think I can do it if I just eyeball it.  I've got a pretty good sense of space."  At that moment I was hoping that Mom's "sense of space" was better than Dad's "sense of direction" otherwise we were all in trouble.  

So Dad sat down with a smile and said, "Go right ahead."  Now that I'm a grown-up married person, I now realize that the part of the sentence Dad didn't say was, "...I'll just wait here until this plan fails horribly and I step in to fix it."  Mom did indeed start the eyeballing.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  And then 10 minutes later she was done and the pictures were hung beautifully.  They were all level, spaced correctly, and arranged artistically.  This led to much griping from Dad about how some people think that they have "a good eye" but he still thinks that the pictures are crooked.  And when I say "much griping" I mean years of debate over whether or not the pictures in all our house were hung correctly or were just un-level death traps waiting to fall and crush us as we walk by.  From first gripe to last my mom always did the same thing; she would smile a big smile, give him a flash of "a look", and then walk away.  After a long time Dad came around and started bragging about how Mom could just eyeball a room and know where everything should go.  

Whether they were doing sweet and loving things for each other or having the occasional "agree to disagree" moment over a difference of opinion, I have to say, I love the way my parents did the things they did.

How we do the
things we do,
Wilt Family Style!

Enjoy
The
Song!

How to "Row Your Own Boat" and Other Brilliant Thoughts

If you have known me for any length of time at all, you may have heard my "Row Your Own Boat" speech.  I have to first give credit where credit is due, my sister Lisa came up with this life lesson.  And I then ran with it and shared it with just about everyone who would listen to me.  My kids know it because I have said it to them ad-nauseam.  I apply it to everything:

"That's not your boat to row".
"Row you own boat".
"You are letting someone else row your boat."
"Never take on someone else's oars and row their boat for them."
"Never hand your oars over to someone else."
"Make your own path.  Don't assume you have to follow everyone else's boat."
"Sounds to me like you need to kick a few people out of your boat."

You get the idea

The truth of who you really are is often hiding in plain sight.   The cosmic clues are really everywhere: in music, books, paintings, movies, poems, songs, plays, sculpture, photographs, etc.   Your very best clues to this profound wisdom, however, are sometimes hidden in the unlikeliest of places.

For example, do you think that you could ever write something that would be the perfect expression of the greatest wisdom, i.e. the very core of reality, itself?   Then, in that same description, could you also include the most practical way of living out your day-to-day existence in the light of such an awesome truth?

One more condition:  Could you also please limit your summary of these profound teachings…both spiritual and psychological…to only eighteen words?  That’s right: only 18 simple words!

         “Row, row, row your boat,
          Gently down the stream,
          Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
          Life is but a dream.”

In the first line, the song implies that you’re making some kind of journey over water in “…your boat.” Most importantly, however, the line begins by repeating the very same word (“Row, row, row…”) three times and reminding you that, on this journey, you’ll need to expend your energy, persistence and ongoing effort.

In the second line, however, the song implies that you shouldn’t really be “pushing the river.” Instead, it suggests that you should be performing all of this rowing activity very “gently.”  Not with anger or resistance or by using brute force, but “gently” which means, according to the dictionary, with an “easy grace” and with both “courtesy and kindness.”

The second part of the line reminds you that, while you’re gently rowing along, your boat is still headed in a particular direction, specifically downstream.  It doesn’t suggest that you could go against the current or even across it. Instead, the line implies that, like it or not, your boat is still going “…down the stream.”

And, since it’s carrying you along some predetermined route there’s no reason to struggle against where it’s taking you.   So, the first two lines of the song suggest that you definitely need to make an ongoing effort on your own behalf (“Row, row, row…”), but, on the other hand, you also need to be willing to surrender to the inevitability of the whole process.

Now the third line is really the key: it tells you not only how you should perform all of this “rowing” but what you need to be feeling in your heart while you’re doing it.   The song suggests, quite frankly, that you should be “merry” that is, “happy” and “joyous.” Not only does it say “merrily” once, but, for greater emphasis (and to make sure that you really get the point), this same word is repeated a total of four separate times.

In asking you to be “merry” as you’re rowing “gently down the stream,” the song implies that your attitude and behavior should be full of fun and laughter, festive and even celebratory.

The big punch line, of course, comes in the last five words:  “Life is but a dream.”  At the end, it seems, none of it has ever been “real.” There never was either a “real” boat or a “real” passenger. There wasn’t any “water” and there wasn’t any actual journeying down a stream to some final destination.  The last line plainly suggests, instead, that ALL of it…boat, passenger, water and the journey…has only been a manifestation of your own mental process.

The biggest unspoken theme of the piece though is that it never mentions a passenger, and therein lies
thepoint.  Your boat, your journey, your destiny; it's all there.  By taking on a passenger we are inserting ourselves into someone else's business either by force or by request.  Either way, it's not a good practice in the long term.

Of course I'm not advocating that you sail through life ignoring others when they need support in good times and in bad.  I'm just saying that at times we have a tendency to keep someone in our boat for too long.  Often, when my children are worried about something that they can't control, I say, "Sweetie, that's just not your boat to row."  And, for me, that is the most important time to remember it.  When we are faced with life events that are out of our control it's healthy to take a deep breathe and say to yourself, "That's not my boat to row".  Try it sometime.  It's incredibly freeing.

Isn’t it absolutely incredible that such profound wisdom could be successfully distilled down into only 18 simple words, and that it’s now become cleverly disguised as a simple little ditty that’s sung with our friends around a campfire?

I dedicate this piece to my brother-in-law Dan.  I have told him this theory of mine probably more times than he wanted to hear it.  But recently he gave me one of the greatest complements by telling me that he considers it to be in the top of the best advice that he has ever been given and he passes it along all the time.  How often do you get to hear that something that you said stuck with someone in such a profound way?  I have tons of sayings and tons of theories and now I know that at least one of them will live on possibly long after I am gone.

Companies That Show Their "Pride"

Just a short blog this time.  I think that the content speaks for itself.  Below is a list of local and national companies that are sponsors for the 2014 Pride Parade.  Not just participants but SPONSORS.  This speaks to how acceptance and love isn't just about "the community" or the people that stand by them.  This is just about human beings supporting other human beings and recognizing that we are all in this world together and everyone is different, special, and worthy in their own unique way.  Some people might be surprised that such big name companies are sponsors of this event.  It makes me proud to see them here.  And it's not just the sponsors that deserve the applause.  Below the list of sponsors I have included a link to all the parade participants.  Some are obviously gay oriented business but a lot are just local businesses, churches, and organizations lending support and showing that we all need to be celebrated for our uniqueness.

American Family Insurance - SPONSOR
CNKY Scene - SPONSOR
Fifth Third Bank - SPONSOR
Horseshoe Casino - SPONSOR
Kroger - SPONSOR
Luxottica - SPONSOR
Macy's - SPONSOR
Outlook Media - SPONSOR
PNC Bank - SPONSOR
Procter & Gamble - SPONSOR

List Of All Parade Participants

Time Changes All Wounds

Today is the 13th anniversary of when my dad died. 

 
Having written that opening line, I have to say that I’ve been sitting here for a good ten minutes trying to absorb and process how I feel about that information.  I have spent the past 13 years going through a kaleidoscope of emotions when it comes to this day.  This year and last year were both very rough.  I have discovered that there is no rhyme or reason when it comes to how I feel when this date rolls around every year.  But after 13 years of it, I can say that I gained a small amount of perspective over it.  The phrase is supposed to be that time heals all wounds.  But I think that when it comes to losing someone you love, time doesn’t heal the wound, it just changes it.  13 years ago, I expected to be “over it” by now or to at least have gained some zen-like wisdom about the whole thing.  But right now I find myself feeling sad and bitter.  I’m sure that 13 years from now I’ll have gained a whole new perspective but for now I think it’s worth hitting the pause button and examining how I’m feeling in this moment.  

I think that the past two anniversaries of his death have been particularly difficult because of the amount of time that has gone by and how, when I look at the family that Dad knew when he died, I realize that those people are gone too.  We have all changed so much and he is this memory that is frozen in time.  I get sad when I see “the kids” (meaning all the nieces and nephews, being so changed and grown up and how Dad would have gotten such a kick out of knowing them.  It makes me sad to see Linda being out on her own now and so strong an independent and he can’t see that.  We might have had to have bailed in out of jail once or twice during the divorce but he would be so happy to see the journey she’s been on and how much she fought and climbed to get there.  And he would be the first to tell her that he knew she had it in her all along.  I hate that he doesn’t know Donni, Laurie’s amazing boyfriend.  They would have loved each other and perhaps gotten into some trouble together.  I’m sad that Dad can’t see how Laurie’s career has grown and is every changing and she is always challenging herself.  She is so much like him professionally and he would really be proud of that.  I hate that he and Brian can’t have their quiet one on one chats.  I don’t know what all they talked about but I know that Brian and my dad both cherished them and Brian must miss that.  Dad liked showing Brian how to do various things around the house.  Dad would have loved hanging out with Brian, Jim, and Donni and talking about manly pursuits and dreaming big dreams.  I hate that Dad didn’t live long enough to see his baby girl, Lisa, retire from the truly spectacular teaching career that he had no doubt that she would have.  I’m sad that he can’t see her working now at Barnes and Noble because he would be in there once a week or more and letting everyone know that she was his little girl.

I hate that he only knew his grandkids as babies.  Sure, they were cute them but they have grown up to be such extraordinary creatures and the grandkids that he knew are just as frozen in time as he is.  I’ll never forget the day that he pointed to Emma and Savannah and, with tears in his eyes, said, “I’m going to miss seeing those two as teenagers.  They are going to be quite a pair.”  He knew it back then.  Don’t get me wrong, all the grandkids are unique, marvelous, special and amazing in their own way.  But Emma and Savannah have a special “Goofy Goober” quality that Lisa and I dearly hope that they never ever lose.  

Most of all I hate that he can’t see Mom right now.  The timing of when he died just didn’t seem fair.  They had both worked hard all their lives and, when they retired, they were going to travel and explore and have adventures and Dad was going to make toys in his workshop and Mom was going to paint and they were going to do all the things that they had put aside because they were too busy being parents to four daughters and having careers.  But pretty much as soon as (and a little bit before really) Dad retired, he got sick and then sicker and then really sick and mom became his caregiver then before we knew it, it was all over.  I hate that he can’t see mom now.  He would be so proud of her painting.  He would brag to their friends about how he has a wife that walks 5 miles a day and lifts weights and still has the “Best Figure” (an honor bestowed upon her in her high school yearbook).  I’m sure that he would have built for her the fanciest painting easel imaginable along with a portable version as well.

This same feeling of time passing hit me this week when we went over to see the giant tree that Mom had to have cut down.  Dad will always be a part of this family but life goes on and things change and he is now a person frozen in time.  I know that we can keep his memory alive.  And I know that we can go out into the world and make a difference inspired by the person he was and in that way he lives on through us and other people.  That all sounds great.  And most other days I believe that.  But on days like today when I’m having trouble being noble all I can think about it how much I would give to have just an afternoon with him to catch up.  To show him Mom’s paintings and talk about all the cool things that she’s doing now.

In the long run, I’ve been left with the feeling this week that time doesn’t not always heal all wounds.  There are some wounds that, at best, just change over time.  I think that some wounds aren’t supposed to completely heal because they become a part of who we are.  They shape us and change us and we wouldn’t be the beautifully complicated and interesting people we are today without them.  The one thing that I did decide this week is to stop searching for what set limit of time is right for me to finally be all healed and over it.  That will never happen.  There will be good years and bad years and years that are just in-between.  But there is no right answer and that’s okay.  This isn’t a wound you can heal, only one you can change.

We love you Dad.  We miss you.

My dad’s favorite song is below.  I hope you enjoy.

"What A Wonderful World"

And his favorite poem.

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate romance and love and kissy-face fealty ranging from the sweet to the obnoxious. Though no one has pinpointed the exact origin of the holiday, one good place to start is ancient Rome, where men hit on women by, well, hitting them.  Seriously.  From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.  Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.  The brutal fete included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, um, coupled up for the duration of the festival – or longer, if the match was right.  Still think your Valentine’s Day is going to be bad?  Then think about what you just read and know it could be worse.  Then again, I’m not an ancient Roman so who know how I would have felt about this, um, charming ritual. 

William Shakespeare helped romanticize Valentine's Day in his work, and it gained popularity throughout Britain and the rest of Europe.  As the years went on, the holiday grew sweeter. Chaucer and Shakespeare romanticized it in their work, and it gained popularity throughout Britain and the rest of Europe. Handmade paper cards became the tokens-du-jour in the Middle Ages.

Eventually, the tradition made its way to the New World. The industrial revolution ushered in factory-made cards in the 19th century. And in the early 1900s, Hallmark Cards of Kansas City, Mo., began mass producing valentines. February has not been the same since.

And so the celebration of Valentine's Day goes on, in varied ways. Many will break the bank buying jewelry and flowers for their beloveds. Others will celebrate in a SAD (that's Single Awareness Day) way, dining alone and binging on self-gifted chocolates. A few may even be spending this day the same way the early Romans did. But let's not go there.

In looking up some of these facts about Valentine’s Day, I found the quotes below.  I had a completely different set of quotes that I was going to use here but these were too precious not to share. 

I will, however, share one quote about love.  Because I think that the most important love is knowing to love yourself.  Thus my favorite love quote from RuPaul: 

Amen!  

Children, aged 5 to 10, were asked questions about what they thought of love and marriage.  The results are funny, honest, and pretty interesting:

---

Love and Marriage:

· "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

· "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

· "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5

· "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6

· "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

· "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

· "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

· "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

---

Kissing:

· "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

· "You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7

· "I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

· "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7

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How People In Love Act:

· "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

· "They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

· "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

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How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

· "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6

· "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

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Deciding Who To Marry:

· "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10

· "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10

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Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:

· "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

· "Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

· "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8

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Good Advice:

· "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8· "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7· "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8· "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8· "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8

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What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:

· "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9

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Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

· "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

· "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

· "'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

· "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

· "'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7


 

Becoming A Grown Up...On Occasion

Oddly enough, I have been working on this story about being an official grown up and twice in the past two days the topic came up, unprompted by me, while talking to other people.  Even though I was only about halfway done writing, I thought it was worth mentioning the coincidence.  Last night I was out with friends and we were talking about how old, and sometimes not old, we feel.  And then today I was talking to my mom and joking with her that she is such a good role model for us because she truly subscribes to the notion that you are only as old as you feel in your own mind.  And we also like to tease her about how often she fusses whenever someone tries to “treat her like some old lady”.  I love her so much for that.

But in all our lives we do reach a day where we look back and realize that we have grown up when it comes to certain things.  If our 20 year old selves could see us now they would probably think that we’re ancient.  This week I’ll be turning 44 and what 20-year-old-me didn't know back then is that, for the most part, I don’t feel that much different.  Sure I've matured and my views have changed with life experience but I still just feel like, well, me.

The truth is, adulthood doesn't pour down on you like a pop-up thunderstorm. It's more like walking through a slow drizzle, the mist gradually building up on your clothes until you suddenly realize "Holy cow, I'm soaked. When did that happen?" It's all about perspective. A change so gradual that you won't even notice it until it just happens.

Even though age is just a number I think that there are 5 key things that you learn as you grow up.  Things that 20-year-old-you didn't quite get but now they seem a lot clearer.

#5. You Become Embarrassed of Your Past Self (And Then You Let It Go)

When you've been out of school for about five years, there's a small, superficial switch that gets flipped, and you look back on those yearbook pictures with sort of a giggling embarrassment. "Oh my God, I can't believe I used to dress like that! Look at my hair! I can't believe I ever thought an ozone killing layer of hairspray was a good idea." After you get a few more years of life and work under your belt, another switch gets flipped -- this one much deeper to your core, and there is no giggling about it.

That's when you start to really examine the way you acted and the beliefs that you awkwardly blurted out during a time when you were still just learning the most basic education that school systems have to offer. You think of your old worldviews and philosophies, backed by exactly zero experience, and you cringe. What you wouldn't give to travel back in time and kick your own ass. That's what happens when you store your old awkward poetry online.

The problem that I (and many other people) have is that we tend to hold on to those ridiculous, embarrassing times and beat ourselves up over it. That's not healthy. Now don't get me wrong. If there's some sort of psychological benefit to telling yourself "I'm no longer going to let my past stress me out," then by all means do that. But for most of us, letting go just sort of happens as you make peace with the fact that, yes, you used to be the type of person you'd personally throw rocks at. But not anymore.














No, seriously, let's sit down with our past selves and discuss politics and religion. It'll be fun!

That doesn't mean that you forget the past. Far from it. You just stop letting it dictate how you feel today. Because the longer you stew on that stuff, the harder it is to get control of the reins and steer life the way you want it to go.

#4. You Start Double Thinking Your Actions

Saying "You start double thinking your actions" sounds a little weird at first because you learn to weigh consequences at a pretty young age. "If I touch the stove, it will burn me." The difference between a child and an adult doing this, though, is that as a kid, the consequences are generally pointed inward. “What happens to me if I tell the teacher she's a hag?”

You know you've made a huge step toward adulthood when you start regularly thinking about how your words and actions affect other people. Especially when dealing with anger.
No, you're probably not going to master this because you're not Gandhi, and there are going to be situations that are well beyond your means to control. But under most circumstances, we're able to see in advance how our actions are going to make the situation better or worse because our experiences have taught us enough about human nature to fairly accurately predict the next step in the Karma Dance.

"Karma Dance, Karma Dance - Everybody takin' the cha-a-a-ance"

That's why I know 50-year-old people who I'll never label as adults. Those are the ones who know the steps and outcomes, but they use that knowledge as a weapon. You've met plenty of them -- people who know exactly what button to push in order to suck you into a full-blown, rage-fueled argument. They use their experiences for aggression, to get that adrenaline fix that comes with anger and confrontation. Those aren't the actions of an adult. They're the actions of a temperamental, selfish child.

That's why it's up to you as an adult to learn how to let certain things go. Like smartass remarks that serve no other purpose than to goad you into a confrontation. Someone trying to argue with you about something you have 100 times more knowledge and experience with. Someone trying to move in on your clearly marked gang territory.

Of course, you could take that a step further if you go the opposite direction: knowing that your actions, while having no benefit to you, will help someone else. Giving a couple of dollars to a good charity. Helping an old lady with her groceries. It's still double thinking, just in a way that non-adults aren't normally known for.

#3. You Stop Following Through on the Desire to Break Stuff

Ladies, you'll have to pardon me for a second on this one, because I see this far more frequently in guys. At the very least, it might help you understand some of the stories that your guy and his friends reminisce about.

On a physical scale, there's a phase that boys go through where they get destructive urges, like vandalism. Maybe it's nothing big, like soaping windows on Halloween or smashing toys with hammers, or throwing bricks through windows. But the urge is there, and mastering that urge is a learned process. In those real-world cases, the kid has parents, teachers, police, and peers to step in and put a stop to it. They're taught consequences, and they eventually shape those lessons into engrained morals ... if we're lucky.

#2. You Learn Ways to Make Responsibility Suck Less

One day at your job you suddenly notice that you start to view menial tasks as stepping stones to something better and not grunt work that gets you nowhere. The more responsibility you take on, the more you grow in money and power. Yes, you're just packing boxes at the local warehouse, but do it better than everyone else, and now you're supervising other packers. Supervise better than the other supervisors, and now you're managing. Manage better than the other managers, and now you are the king of Cuba. Or whatever they have as a ruler there. I don't know how it’s done there, but I'm pretty sure that's the way it works.

This is a perspective that changes out of necessity because if you looked at every responsibility as a personal torture, you'd let your life go to hell and/or go insane. And putting a finish line on an otherwise crappy chore isn't just some BS optimistic hippie talk. It's a direct answer to the question "Why am I doing this?" If the answer is ever "Because I have to," maybe it's time to re-evaluate the task or your outlook on life, because one of them is a problem.

#1. You Realize That it Actually Matters to People if Something Happens to You

Fair warning: This isn't the cheeriest rule. I'll do my best to keep it light, but if it wasn't important, I wouldn't bring it up.

My dad died at age 68. He was a diabetic and, to be honest, he didn't respect the disease.  My mom did, a lot.  I’m not trying to speak ill of my father or of the departed but that was 13 years ago and it took me getting the disease to appreciate fully what my mom went through.  And then I was angry that I lost my dad when I was 30 because he was too stubborn to value himself or his role in our lives.  I know if he could do it over he would.  But he can’t and that’s the point.  He may be the one that’s gone but we are the ones left with the void of someone dying too young when they could have done something about it.

What really scares me is that I easily see on Facebook dozens of articles and messages from young people saying that they are/were thinking about hurting themselves or committing suicide.  And there is no way for us to convey to them the amount of people they're about to screw over by doing that because in their current state of mind, they feel genuinely alone. They can't see the chain reaction of guilt, anger, sadness, and regret that mushrooms out like a nuclear explosion when something like that happens. And they definitely don't understand that no amount of reassurance in their note will convince a single person that it wasn't their fault.  They don't realize that every person they've spoken to feels the crushing grip of failure every time they think of what happened. "I know I could have said or done something to prevent it.

I fully realize that plenty of adults go through this -- it's not a teenagers-only deal. But when you're an adult, all of that is on your shoulders, which means you have to recognize that the situation isn't normal, and you have to get up and pursue a cure yourself. Because adults get stuff fixed, including themselves.  So whether it’s an emotional problem or a physical problem, part of moving from 20-year-old-you thinking to grown up thinking is realizing that you can’t just wallow in your own drama or ignore important health problems because you know that you aren't the only one that can get hurt.

And for the finale...

The video below was a favorite in my family.  We listened to this in the car on every single trip we took.  It’s a song I find myself humming often while going about my daily grown up life.  I think that 20-year-old-me would be happy to know grown up me and to see that, even though I have grown up and out of some things, I still “Stay On The Sunny Side”.  I hope you enjoy it!  It's super corny but worth the time.