The Hamster Equivalency

The “Hamster Equivalency” is a theory that I have been working on for a while now.  It’s a direct relation between how much guilt you feel when making a decision and that decisions eventual outcome.  Some of us are more into people pleasing than others.  Pleaseaholics are notorious for making decisions out of overwhelming guilt.  People pleasers also have kind, soft hearts that truly enjoy making other people happy.  This combination easily creates a tendency to make decisions based on what you perceive others want, as you slowly silence your inner voice.  Perhaps you’ve been making decisions to avoid rocking the boat for so long you’ve lost track of what YOU actually want.

This theory came about from a rather unfortunate experience that my family had with some Russian Dwarf Hamsters and a local pet store.  Savannah wanted a hamster and it all seemed rather harmless.  She requested the pet as a birthday present and we went to the store all shiny with hope and excitement.  We picked out all the right things with tubes and climbing structures and a room system that looked like something out of the Jetsons.  Our little hamster was going to be livin’ large. 

Next we went to the actual cages to pick out one of what were essentially 30 or so identical looking hamsters.  If you’ve never seen a Russian Dwarf here they are.  Cute right?  They look like a furry ping-pong ball with ears.  It was at this point that the young sales girl told us with all sincerity that dwarf hamsters like to

live in pairs.  She seemed very sincere and suddenly I was faced with a dilemma.  What if we bought just one?  Would it die of loneliness?  Would it resent us for a lonely life of solitude?  Would it eventually need some type of counseling?  I just didn’t know.  Keep in mind that these things are about $15 dollars a piece so one seems cheap but two starts to stretch the budget a bit.  But the girl assured us that they really must live in pairs.  She also imparted the knowledge that all their animals are boys because they aren’t allowed to sell animals that can reproduce.  I’m sure that falls under some weird animal husbandry law written in the 1800s when Russians were sneaking these little critters into the country.  Seriously, I’m still not convinced that they aren’t a plot to bring about the downfall of Western Civilization. 

So we pick out our two little Russian Dwarfs and are on our way.  One fact she failed to mention is that the little buggers have the life span of a goldfish.  Not at all hearty like a gerbil.  Those suckers can hang in there for quite a while.  Next unmentioned fact, there is no real way to “age” the little buggers so you really are just taking your chance when you buy them.  Sure enough, months later little Happy and Dopey were no more.  Savannah was devastated.   Her first real pet loss.  It took me back to the day that Nick lost “Pickles the Frog” but that’s a story for another day. 

Now, here is where the “Hamster Equivalency” comes in to play.  I had already made some guilt purchases.  I mean, really something the size of a ping-pong ball probably didn’t need ALL of those tubes and pods and such but we did get two animals so it somehow seemed justified.  But with the passing of the first two furry bringers-of-sorrow I was faced with a big decision.  We had just made a large birthday investment in this plastic palace that was now sitting empty.  So I agreed to get another one but I held firm at just getting one.  But sure enough we go back to the store and are told by yet another very sincere employee that these fur covered nightmares really have to live in pairs. 

This is the exact moment when I wish I had known the basic principles of the “Hamster Equivalency”.  That principle is simply this, the amount of guilt involved in a decision that you make is how much that decision will later come back to  bite you in the ass.   Little bit of guilt involved?  Little bite.  HUGE amount of guilt involved?  HUGE bite.  And I was in for a huge bite. 

I reluctantly bought another two hamsters because I figured that I was the one that introduced the things to Savannah to begin with so I was in for a penny and in for a pound.  Can you blame me though?  And Savannah was giving me the puppy face. That looks like this.


Now go back and look at that hamster picture.  They are seriously cute. Subsequently we were headed home with Guapo and Chulo (we were in a Spanish phase at the time) and all was right with the world. 

At least, all was right until I learned yet another fact about Russian Dwarf Hamsters.  Turns out that they are very hard to determine the sex of them.  That is until the day that your daughter comes barreling down the stairs sobbing because her hamster cage is full of hamster babies and Guapo and Chulo had some very serious explaining to do.  Once we determined that Chulo was a Chula we quickly moved Guapo to a separate cage that we had luckily found at a garage sale that same day.  All I can say is that what followed was an almost 4 month nightmare from hell where I had printed up blown up pictures of hamster privates so I could try to keep the boys and girls separated while squinting at their little tiny hamster parts.  A situation that was uncomfortable for both the hamsters and me.  And as you might predict, I wasn't any better at figuring out the sex of the rodent than the pet store was so what followed was about 5 more litters of babies.  I even tried to offer the babies to the pet store but I’m not a licensed breeder so that was a no go.  For a brief moment I had a plan to take them all into the store in a shoe box and just release them but I figured that I’d get busted. 

The end of the story isn’t pretty.  They got over crowded despite our best efforts.  Some cannibalism was involved.  Eventually they all ended up living in separate containers until the blessedly short end of their days.  Looking back at the whole fiasco I came to the conclusion that letting my decision be guided by guilt led to my downfall.  Thus, the “Hamster Equivalency”. 

When we don't live up to our own expectations or the expectations of others, many of us have a tendency to feel guilty.  Many people think that guilt is brought on by other people. It's important to realize that guilt comes from within yourself and only yourself.  It is your internal self talk about yourself and your situation that contributes to feeling guilty.  The truth is, you have the power to accept or deny feelings of guilt. If someone is making you feel guilty, it is because you are allowing them to.

It's important to recognize guilt that is unjustified. Unjustified guilt is guilt that has no real actual cause. Instead, these feelings of guilt are caused by misbeliefs inside the individual. Perhaps a person does not feel it's okay to spend time or money on themselves. Or perhaps they are feeling guilty because they don't believe they have the right to say no to other people. So many people make decisions in life based on not wanting to feel guilty inside. Making decisions based on guilt is never productive. It may temporarily provide relief from guilty feelings, but one thing is for sure, you will end up feeling depressed and incomplete because you are not being true to yourself.

So now when faced with a decision and I feel that part of my internal struggle is guilt-based I always take great care to consider the matter from all angles and try to take guilt out of the equation.  Take it for what it is, but it’s working for me so far.  If not, I have some nice hamster equipment that I’d be happy to unload on someone.    

For Nikolas - 21 Tips For Turning 21

21 Tips For Turning 21


Dear Nick, as I’m sure that you are well aware, you turned 21 this week.  J  I’m so proud of you and I am in awe at the brilliant young man you have become.  I can’t wait to see the next 21 years and beyond because I know that you will make an extraordinary life for yourself.  I know I’ve passed on MUCH  <don’t roll your eyes> advice to you at this point.  But I thought I’d add just a few more tips.

To My Son Nikolas on his 21^st birthday:

1.  Never looking at your budget and never making a budget is the exact same thing.

2.  The possibility for greatness and embarrassment both exist in the same space. If you’re not willing to be embarrassed, you’re probably not willing to be great.

3.  Feel no shame in seeking help from a counselor or therapist. We all have crap we try to wrap and hide under the Christmas tree. Get rid of it before it smells up your entire holiday.

4.  All job listings on Craigslist lead you to a warehouse downtown “wearing something nice with shoes you can walk in”.  Or they are porn related asking you also to "wear something nice".

5.  Don’t ever, ever check Facebook when you’re:
A.  Depressed
B.  Drinking.
C.  Depressed and Drinking
D.  Depressed and Drinking and then making phone calls at 3:00 in the morning

6.  You are your most valuable asset.  Take care of yourself first. I know you love to step in and be everything for everybody.  Believe me, they won’t return the favor.  Ever. 

7.  Your twenties will produce more failures than you’ll choose to remember. The key is when you fail, don’t begin calling yourself a failure.

8.  Every break up has two break ups. I’m no physicist, but this is a law of physics, of this I am certain. Yes you’ll have the first tearful “It’s over” sitting in the front of the TV and wondering if it would be a big deal if you never went out again. Then 1-2 months later after there’s “been talk”, you’ll have the “real breakup”. And gird those loins because in the second break up there will be a lot more breaking.  That’s when you realize it’s really over.  It hurts.  Don’t weather it alone.  You have a huge support group of friends and family. 

9.  Reckless drinking and reckless flirting have a direct correlation. Friends don’t let friends drive, or flirt, drunk.

10.  Row  your own boat. 

11. Don’t ever let anyone tell you who you are.  You are a wonderful person and, just because someone else is trying to bring you down, don’t let them do it.  Because at that point they win.  If you maintain the control of your own thought, actions and feelings then there isn’t a person on the planet who can tell you who you are. Be strong. 

12. (This one is from Grandpa) If you are out drinking, cut yourself off when you can’t remember your own name.  I think that was a joke.

13.  (This on is from Grandma) This is some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten so pay very close attention.  “Always act like you are supposed to be there and that you know exactly where you are going and no one will ever question you.”  Now there are some very funny stories attached to this wisdom but if I shared them here, Mom would kill me and bring me back to life just so she could kill me again.  Hehe Seriously, she is the best of the best when it comes to giving good advice.  She’s also good and giving out Patsy Cline tapes when you are broken hearted and need to have a cathartic moment. 

14.  Life will never feel like its “supposed to”. Being twenty-something can feel like death by unmet expectations. However, let me be so brash to say that you are right now, at this moment, exactly where you need to be. But you’ll only be able to see that five years and thirty-eight days from today.

15.  Make mistakes.  Everyone does but they just like to act like they don’t.  Make mistakes, figure out what happened or make amends, and then MOVE ON.  Your mistakes don’t define you.

16. Marriage WILL NOT fix any of your problems. No, instead marriage will put a magnifying glass on how many problems you really have. We grow up carrying bags with our insecurities, fears, bad relationships, problems with our parents — you name it. Begin to ditch these bags now.

17.  An assortment of crappy jobs are a twenty something rite of passage. Figure out what you need to learn there and learn it. If you don’t, an assortment of crappy jobs might be your thirty, forty and fifty something rite of passage as well.

18.  Great ideas alone mean nothing. Your ability to persevere through 16 major setbacks, a lack of passion, forgetting why you started this great idea in the first place, and all the people who allude that your great idea is actually quite terrible — well, that means everything.

19.  The grass is always greener on the other side, until you get there and realize it’s because of all the manure.

20.  Constantly try to reduce your attachment to possessions.

21.  Family is family forever.  Remember that and treat them that way accordingly.  You may not think you need this much family right now but you do.  You just don’t realize.  Remember how blessed you are to have people who care about you.

Remember that no matter what, I love you.  And that you are special and worthy just for being you. 

Happy Birthday Nikolas!  

The Way You Do The Things You Do

"The Way You Do The Things You Do"
You've got a smile so bright, you know you could have been a candle
I'm holding you so tight, you know you could have been a handle
The way you swept me off my feet, you know you could have been a broom
The way you smell so sweet, you know you could have been some perfume

[Chorus:]
Well, you could have been anything that you wanted to
And I can tell, the way you do the things you do

As pretty as you are, you know you could have been a flower
If good looks was a minute, you know that you could be an hour
The way you stole my heart, you know you could have been a crook
And baby you're so smart, you know you could have been a schoolbook

[Chorus]

You made my heart so rich, you know you could have been some money
And baby you're so sweet, you know you could have been some honey

[Chorus]

You really swept me off my feet, you made my life complete

You made my life so bright, you make me feel alright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like to think that if there is a song that shows my viewpoint of how Dad felt about Mom, this one would be it.  As a child I'm sure that I had a very idealized concept of their relationship.  Nonetheless, I got to see the sweet stuff.  My dad was a salesman and all you had to do was see how mom handled his appearance to know that it was a labor of love just by the effort she put into making him look super sharp.  She picked the most beautiful suits, shirts, vests and ties.  Mom could have been a stylist.   She was so good at knowing what looked good on him.  To my dad's dying day, he might not have been in suits towards the end, but he always had a carefully folded cloth handkerchief in his pocket.   But not just folded; ironed and crisp and white too.  To me, that's how my mom loved my dad because she cared about him and those little details.  And I don't mean that she cleaned and cooked and did all those other things.  Her daily activities where pretty normal.  But it's what Mom fit through the cracks that showed her love.  For Dad, that meant beautifully ironed white crisp handkerchiefs.  She didn't have to go to all that effort.  I say that as I know that the laundry that I did yesterday is sitting in the dryer or as I call it "Our Circular Dresser."  

For me it was when Mom made pancakes and she would take the time to make teenie tiny pancakes for me.  I'm talking small.  The biggest were about the size of a quarter and the littlest ones were mere splatters.  Then Mom would carefully wrangle all of those bitty and uncooperative pancakes off the griddle and onto my plate.  That's love.  She didn't have to do it.  But every Saturday she did them for me even though it took up a lot of time.  But she did it because she knew I loved it.  It was special.  Mom still does little things for all of us to this day that lets us know her love.  She doesn't buy birthday cards but rather paints a delicate and detailed picture in her watercolors.  And it's always something that speaks to each of our personalities and interests.  It's those subtle touches that make you know that you are loved.   And there are too many other things here to mention but, believe me, we know that we are loved.

Now Dad went about this process in a very different way.  People would look at my parents and say, "Wow, Ray just absolutely adores Dee."  And he was a very demonstrative person and loved to gift mom.  I'm sure I've mentioned in other blogs that my dad was Santa so there is a reason for his need to be a thoughtful  and loving gifter.  I love photos like this one below because it reminds me that they both really loved each other and had different ways of showing it.  They were always so affectionate.  There was lots of hugging and always goodnight kisses since Mom went to bed before Dad.  That was supposed to be so Dad could watch Johnny Carson but really it was so Dad could watch the first 5 minutes, fall asleep, and then complain all morning about how bad his back hurt after sleeping half the night on the floor.  But he would always give mom a big smooch and a hug on his way to sit and groan at the dinning room table.

They both had things that they did the way they did but, believe me,
they loved each other very much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now then, I told you that story in order to tell you this one.  

Yesterday we spent the 4th of July over at my Mom's house.  It was a perfectly pastoral scene all day.  The ultimate vision of a country afternoon.  It's a rare day at any summer event that we all stay outside for the entire day.  We just didn't want to budge from that deck.  We had a multilayered view of nature and also a multilayer view of sweet young ladies stomping around in the creek.  I'm very sure that, as legend tells us, that their laughter was caught in the water and kept there between the rocks so that, when we are long gone, other children will also come to that creek and they will hear the laughter of our children in the bubbling of that brook.  I know that when my daughter and nieces are down there that they are hearing the laughs of me and my friends.  We too loved that creek.  It was full of adventure, and magic, and laughter, and innovation.  My friends and I, we were builders.   We would scavenge build sites (something I'm sure our mothers would never have let us to ) and we would build all manner of contraptions to see what we could get to float down the reek and how far it would go before it got caught.  We were constantly searching for new materials.  But I'm getting a  bit off track here.  

It's been 13 years since Dad passed and over the past few weeks mom has tackled the most physically and emotionally daunting task of breaking down his workshop.  She and cleaned it all out and had all of his tools, some of my grandpas tools, and even some of my great-grandpa's tools.  Most of us just wanted the tools for decorative purposes.  Most of them will go up on mantles or places on display shelves.  Nick was really excited to find many tools that he will be able to use in his field of engineering.  He was beside himself at some of the rare and exciting things he found.  

But the one thing he did come up with was a retractable self-chalking chalk line.  Dad's pride and joy.  And I laughed because it too was a symbol of the way my parents would do the things they do.  Never was a day more exciting when my mom would announce to my dad that she wanted to rearrange a room.  That would send Dad off to get his tool box, a giant old wooden red level, and the retractable self-chalking chalk line.  Then Mom would spend some time moving things here and there and she'd step back and eye-ball it and then make the minor corrections needed.  After working this way for a while, Mom would give the thumbs up and Dad would come in with the chalk line to rehang the pictures.  This was also my cue to come in too since I was the Sorcerers Apprentice.  My one job was to hold the end of the chalk line, super tight, and not let it scoot even the width of a kittens whisker or the whole thing was ruined and we'd have to start over.  After much work with the level we would be ready to use that line.  I would hold it as tight as I could and watch wide eyed as Dad would snap it back and twang it against the wall.  There would be a small poof of blue dust and then the most perfect straight line would appear on the wall.  We would repeat this process over and over until the wall was cris-crossed with straight, perfect bright blue lines.  (Now that I'm older I know, or at least I suspect, that Mom didn't see the beautiful perfection of those lines like I did.  She would say what I would be thinking if I were in her position, "I can't believe I have all this blue crap all over my walls.)

Then came the one day when Mom wanted to rearrange a room again and when she was done Dad came running in from the "on deck circle", also known as our dining room table.  That's when mom did something different that day.  There will be no levels today, no perfect blue lines, no hours of squinting; what she did next changed history that day.  She said something like, "How hard can it be to hang a painting?  I think I can do it if I just eyeball it.  I've got a pretty good sense of space."  At that moment I was hoping that Mom's "sense of space" was better than Dad's "sense of direction" otherwise we were all in trouble.  

So Dad sat down with a smile and said, "Go right ahead."  Now that I'm a grown-up married person, I now realize that the part of the sentence Dad didn't say was, "...I'll just wait here until this plan fails horribly and I step in to fix it."  Mom did indeed start the eyeballing.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  Squint, tap-tap-tap.  And then 10 minutes later she was done and the pictures were hung beautifully.  They were all level, spaced correctly, and arranged artistically.  This led to much griping from Dad about how some people think that they have "a good eye" but he still thinks that the pictures are crooked.  And when I say "much griping" I mean years of debate over whether or not the pictures in all our house were hung correctly or were just un-level death traps waiting to fall and crush us as we walk by.  From first gripe to last my mom always did the same thing; she would smile a big smile, give him a flash of "a look", and then walk away.  After a long time Dad came around and started bragging about how Mom could just eyeball a room and know where everything should go.  

Whether they were doing sweet and loving things for each other or having the occasional "agree to disagree" moment over a difference of opinion, I have to say, I love the way my parents did the things they did.

How we do the
things we do,
Wilt Family Style!

Enjoy
The
Song!

How to "Row Your Own Boat" and Other Brilliant Thoughts

If you have known me for any length of time at all, you may have heard my "Row Your Own Boat" speech.  I have to first give credit where credit is due, my sister Lisa came up with this life lesson.  And I then ran with it and shared it with just about everyone who would listen to me.  My kids know it because I have said it to them ad-nauseam.  I apply it to everything:

"That's not your boat to row".
"Row you own boat".
"You are letting someone else row your boat."
"Never take on someone else's oars and row their boat for them."
"Never hand your oars over to someone else."
"Make your own path.  Don't assume you have to follow everyone else's boat."
"Sounds to me like you need to kick a few people out of your boat."

You get the idea

The truth of who you really are is often hiding in plain sight.   The cosmic clues are really everywhere: in music, books, paintings, movies, poems, songs, plays, sculpture, photographs, etc.   Your very best clues to this profound wisdom, however, are sometimes hidden in the unlikeliest of places.

For example, do you think that you could ever write something that would be the perfect expression of the greatest wisdom, i.e. the very core of reality, itself?   Then, in that same description, could you also include the most practical way of living out your day-to-day existence in the light of such an awesome truth?

One more condition:  Could you also please limit your summary of these profound teachings…both spiritual and psychological…to only eighteen words?  That’s right: only 18 simple words!

         “Row, row, row your boat,
          Gently down the stream,
          Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
          Life is but a dream.”

In the first line, the song implies that you’re making some kind of journey over water in “…your boat.” Most importantly, however, the line begins by repeating the very same word (“Row, row, row…”) three times and reminding you that, on this journey, you’ll need to expend your energy, persistence and ongoing effort.

In the second line, however, the song implies that you shouldn’t really be “pushing the river.” Instead, it suggests that you should be performing all of this rowing activity very “gently.”  Not with anger or resistance or by using brute force, but “gently” which means, according to the dictionary, with an “easy grace” and with both “courtesy and kindness.”

The second part of the line reminds you that, while you’re gently rowing along, your boat is still headed in a particular direction, specifically downstream.  It doesn’t suggest that you could go against the current or even across it. Instead, the line implies that, like it or not, your boat is still going “…down the stream.”

And, since it’s carrying you along some predetermined route there’s no reason to struggle against where it’s taking you.   So, the first two lines of the song suggest that you definitely need to make an ongoing effort on your own behalf (“Row, row, row…”), but, on the other hand, you also need to be willing to surrender to the inevitability of the whole process.

Now the third line is really the key: it tells you not only how you should perform all of this “rowing” but what you need to be feeling in your heart while you’re doing it.   The song suggests, quite frankly, that you should be “merry” that is, “happy” and “joyous.” Not only does it say “merrily” once, but, for greater emphasis (and to make sure that you really get the point), this same word is repeated a total of four separate times.

In asking you to be “merry” as you’re rowing “gently down the stream,” the song implies that your attitude and behavior should be full of fun and laughter, festive and even celebratory.

The big punch line, of course, comes in the last five words:  “Life is but a dream.”  At the end, it seems, none of it has ever been “real.” There never was either a “real” boat or a “real” passenger. There wasn’t any “water” and there wasn’t any actual journeying down a stream to some final destination.  The last line plainly suggests, instead, that ALL of it…boat, passenger, water and the journey…has only been a manifestation of your own mental process.

The biggest unspoken theme of the piece though is that it never mentions a passenger, and therein lies
thepoint.  Your boat, your journey, your destiny; it's all there.  By taking on a passenger we are inserting ourselves into someone else's business either by force or by request.  Either way, it's not a good practice in the long term.

Of course I'm not advocating that you sail through life ignoring others when they need support in good times and in bad.  I'm just saying that at times we have a tendency to keep someone in our boat for too long.  Often, when my children are worried about something that they can't control, I say, "Sweetie, that's just not your boat to row."  And, for me, that is the most important time to remember it.  When we are faced with life events that are out of our control it's healthy to take a deep breathe and say to yourself, "That's not my boat to row".  Try it sometime.  It's incredibly freeing.

Isn’t it absolutely incredible that such profound wisdom could be successfully distilled down into only 18 simple words, and that it’s now become cleverly disguised as a simple little ditty that’s sung with our friends around a campfire?

I dedicate this piece to my brother-in-law Dan.  I have told him this theory of mine probably more times than he wanted to hear it.  But recently he gave me one of the greatest complements by telling me that he considers it to be in the top of the best advice that he has ever been given and he passes it along all the time.  How often do you get to hear that something that you said stuck with someone in such a profound way?  I have tons of sayings and tons of theories and now I know that at least one of them will live on possibly long after I am gone.

Companies That Show Their "Pride"

Just a short blog this time.  I think that the content speaks for itself.  Below is a list of local and national companies that are sponsors for the 2014 Pride Parade.  Not just participants but SPONSORS.  This speaks to how acceptance and love isn't just about "the community" or the people that stand by them.  This is just about human beings supporting other human beings and recognizing that we are all in this world together and everyone is different, special, and worthy in their own unique way.  Some people might be surprised that such big name companies are sponsors of this event.  It makes me proud to see them here.  And it's not just the sponsors that deserve the applause.  Below the list of sponsors I have included a link to all the parade participants.  Some are obviously gay oriented business but a lot are just local businesses, churches, and organizations lending support and showing that we all need to be celebrated for our uniqueness.

American Family Insurance - SPONSOR
CNKY Scene - SPONSOR
Fifth Third Bank - SPONSOR
Horseshoe Casino - SPONSOR
Kroger - SPONSOR
Luxottica - SPONSOR
Macy's - SPONSOR
Outlook Media - SPONSOR
PNC Bank - SPONSOR
Procter & Gamble - SPONSOR

List Of All Parade Participants

Time Changes All Wounds

Today is the 13th anniversary of when my dad died. 

 
Having written that opening line, I have to say that I’ve been sitting here for a good ten minutes trying to absorb and process how I feel about that information.  I have spent the past 13 years going through a kaleidoscope of emotions when it comes to this day.  This year and last year were both very rough.  I have discovered that there is no rhyme or reason when it comes to how I feel when this date rolls around every year.  But after 13 years of it, I can say that I gained a small amount of perspective over it.  The phrase is supposed to be that time heals all wounds.  But I think that when it comes to losing someone you love, time doesn’t heal the wound, it just changes it.  13 years ago, I expected to be “over it” by now or to at least have gained some zen-like wisdom about the whole thing.  But right now I find myself feeling sad and bitter.  I’m sure that 13 years from now I’ll have gained a whole new perspective but for now I think it’s worth hitting the pause button and examining how I’m feeling in this moment.  

I think that the past two anniversaries of his death have been particularly difficult because of the amount of time that has gone by and how, when I look at the family that Dad knew when he died, I realize that those people are gone too.  We have all changed so much and he is this memory that is frozen in time.  I get sad when I see “the kids” (meaning all the nieces and nephews, being so changed and grown up and how Dad would have gotten such a kick out of knowing them.  It makes me sad to see Linda being out on her own now and so strong an independent and he can’t see that.  We might have had to have bailed in out of jail once or twice during the divorce but he would be so happy to see the journey she’s been on and how much she fought and climbed to get there.  And he would be the first to tell her that he knew she had it in her all along.  I hate that he doesn’t know Donni, Laurie’s amazing boyfriend.  They would have loved each other and perhaps gotten into some trouble together.  I’m sad that Dad can’t see how Laurie’s career has grown and is every changing and she is always challenging herself.  She is so much like him professionally and he would really be proud of that.  I hate that he and Brian can’t have their quiet one on one chats.  I don’t know what all they talked about but I know that Brian and my dad both cherished them and Brian must miss that.  Dad liked showing Brian how to do various things around the house.  Dad would have loved hanging out with Brian, Jim, and Donni and talking about manly pursuits and dreaming big dreams.  I hate that Dad didn’t live long enough to see his baby girl, Lisa, retire from the truly spectacular teaching career that he had no doubt that she would have.  I’m sad that he can’t see her working now at Barnes and Noble because he would be in there once a week or more and letting everyone know that she was his little girl.

I hate that he only knew his grandkids as babies.  Sure, they were cute them but they have grown up to be such extraordinary creatures and the grandkids that he knew are just as frozen in time as he is.  I’ll never forget the day that he pointed to Emma and Savannah and, with tears in his eyes, said, “I’m going to miss seeing those two as teenagers.  They are going to be quite a pair.”  He knew it back then.  Don’t get me wrong, all the grandkids are unique, marvelous, special and amazing in their own way.  But Emma and Savannah have a special “Goofy Goober” quality that Lisa and I dearly hope that they never ever lose.  

Most of all I hate that he can’t see Mom right now.  The timing of when he died just didn’t seem fair.  They had both worked hard all their lives and, when they retired, they were going to travel and explore and have adventures and Dad was going to make toys in his workshop and Mom was going to paint and they were going to do all the things that they had put aside because they were too busy being parents to four daughters and having careers.  But pretty much as soon as (and a little bit before really) Dad retired, he got sick and then sicker and then really sick and mom became his caregiver then before we knew it, it was all over.  I hate that he can’t see mom now.  He would be so proud of her painting.  He would brag to their friends about how he has a wife that walks 5 miles a day and lifts weights and still has the “Best Figure” (an honor bestowed upon her in her high school yearbook).  I’m sure that he would have built for her the fanciest painting easel imaginable along with a portable version as well.

This same feeling of time passing hit me this week when we went over to see the giant tree that Mom had to have cut down.  Dad will always be a part of this family but life goes on and things change and he is now a person frozen in time.  I know that we can keep his memory alive.  And I know that we can go out into the world and make a difference inspired by the person he was and in that way he lives on through us and other people.  That all sounds great.  And most other days I believe that.  But on days like today when I’m having trouble being noble all I can think about it how much I would give to have just an afternoon with him to catch up.  To show him Mom’s paintings and talk about all the cool things that she’s doing now.

In the long run, I’ve been left with the feeling this week that time doesn’t not always heal all wounds.  There are some wounds that, at best, just change over time.  I think that some wounds aren’t supposed to completely heal because they become a part of who we are.  They shape us and change us and we wouldn’t be the beautifully complicated and interesting people we are today without them.  The one thing that I did decide this week is to stop searching for what set limit of time is right for me to finally be all healed and over it.  That will never happen.  There will be good years and bad years and years that are just in-between.  But there is no right answer and that’s okay.  This isn’t a wound you can heal, only one you can change.

We love you Dad.  We miss you.

My dad’s favorite song is below.  I hope you enjoy.

"What A Wonderful World"

And his favorite poem.

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate romance and love and kissy-face fealty ranging from the sweet to the obnoxious. Though no one has pinpointed the exact origin of the holiday, one good place to start is ancient Rome, where men hit on women by, well, hitting them.  Seriously.  From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.  Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.  The brutal fete included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, um, coupled up for the duration of the festival – or longer, if the match was right.  Still think your Valentine’s Day is going to be bad?  Then think about what you just read and know it could be worse.  Then again, I’m not an ancient Roman so who know how I would have felt about this, um, charming ritual. 

William Shakespeare helped romanticize Valentine's Day in his work, and it gained popularity throughout Britain and the rest of Europe.  As the years went on, the holiday grew sweeter. Chaucer and Shakespeare romanticized it in their work, and it gained popularity throughout Britain and the rest of Europe. Handmade paper cards became the tokens-du-jour in the Middle Ages.

Eventually, the tradition made its way to the New World. The industrial revolution ushered in factory-made cards in the 19th century. And in the early 1900s, Hallmark Cards of Kansas City, Mo., began mass producing valentines. February has not been the same since.

And so the celebration of Valentine's Day goes on, in varied ways. Many will break the bank buying jewelry and flowers for their beloveds. Others will celebrate in a SAD (that's Single Awareness Day) way, dining alone and binging on self-gifted chocolates. A few may even be spending this day the same way the early Romans did. But let's not go there.

In looking up some of these facts about Valentine’s Day, I found the quotes below.  I had a completely different set of quotes that I was going to use here but these were too precious not to share. 

I will, however, share one quote about love.  Because I think that the most important love is knowing to love yourself.  Thus my favorite love quote from RuPaul: 

Amen!  

Children, aged 5 to 10, were asked questions about what they thought of love and marriage.  The results are funny, honest, and pretty interesting:

---

Love and Marriage:

· "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

· "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

· "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5

· "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6

· "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

· "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

· "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

· "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

---

Kissing:

· "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

· "You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7

· "I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

· "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7

---

How People In Love Act:

· "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

· "They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

· "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

---

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

· "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6

· "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

---

Deciding Who To Marry:

· "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10

· "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10

---

Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:

· "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

· "Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

· "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8

---

Good Advice:

· "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8· "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7· "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8· "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8· "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8

---

What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:

· "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9

---

Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

· "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

· "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

· "'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

· "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

· "'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7