Peace Be The Journey ~ Happy Holidays Everyone!

And so it begins again.  The annual onslaught of righteous indignation over whether we should say Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas to one another.  Given my constant amazement at the lack of customer service in most stores, I’m happy if they say pretty much anything to me at all.  In a day and age where even eye contact seems to be too much to ask, should we really be bellyaching about these two little words?  According to the endless pictures I’ve seen posted recently, apparently it’s a VERY BIG DEAL. 

In a country that was built on cultural diversity and freedom of religion, I don’t get why, every time people are exposed to something different or unfamiliar, they feel the need to hit it with a brick.  This country is more culturally and religiously diverse than ever before.  Christians, like a family with many siblings, need to understand that we can have more than one religion and still love them all.  Isn’t that what parents of more than one child tell us all the time.  Just because there is more than one doesn’t mean that we love the others any less.   

And this is true with Christmas.  Just because there are other holidays during December, doesn’t take anything away from Christmas.  I’m baffled by Christians that not only reject the saying of Happy Holidays but have gone so far as to correct or chastise people when it is said to them.  How about you accept the Happy Holiday with a smile and a nod and return with a joyful Merry Christmas and be gracious in the fact that the person took the time to wish you happiness. 

This is a season of Hope, Love, Peace, and Joy.  And that is a theme in pretty much all the celebrations going on this time of year.  I don’t think that there is a candle of Bitterness on the Advent wreath.  Or a candle of Exclusion on a Menorah.  And last time I checked, there is no candle of Ingratitude in Kwanzaa.  Interesting that I was able to name three celebrations that all use candle lighting as a way to honor and remember the spirit of their holiday.   

So the Merry Christmas vs Happy Holiday debate that is not complicated and is solved with basic etiquette. If you know someone is a Christian who is celebrating Christmas you should say to them 'Merry Christmas.' Likewise, say 'Happy Hanukkah' to a person you know is Jewish, etc.  and please let your friends know that saying Happy Hanukkah does not turn you Jewish just by saying it and it doesn’t take away any of your Christianity.  I checked this on Google and Fox News so you can trust me on this one. 

Now the next thing that we need to settle is that, just as saying Happy Holidays doesn’t erase your beliefs, sanitizing religious symbols and then using them does not make you diverse.  It’s kind of like the rule I had with my kids with the names for body parts; in this house we call it by it’s real name.  A Christmas Tree is not a Celebration Tree, a Menorah is not a Holiday Candelabra, call a dreidel a dreidel and not a spinning top, etc… 

The trickiest part of the whole 'war on Christmas' is what to do about holiday celebrations in public schools, and on public property. Here again, inclusion is the way to go. We are a nation that has continued to welcome people of all religious backgrounds and no religious backgrounds. Simultaneous religious inclusion with separation of church is part of America's complex yet wonderful religious DNA.

So, let a thousand flowers bloom -- let's have Christmas carols and Hanukkah songs; Kwanzaa lessons, and Winter Solstice Songs -- let's do it all! It's so much more fun to cast a wide net where all can celebrate our traditions together rather than strip everything away to protect the delicate sensibilities of some very prickly few.

And now a special note to my fellow Christians who talk so much about the war on Christmas. I get it, for a long, long time Christianity was dominant in the United States and represented the civic religion of the country. But America is about the people who are here now, and that is a much more diverse group. And that's good! It is time to stop insisting that everything revolves around us. Instead, let's join the wider circle of the many traditions that make up our country. Besides, any Christian knows that Christmas is not about displays in shopping malls, or capitols, or schools, it is about a spiritual event that we honor most in our families and our homes.

So, Merry Christmas, Christians; Happy Hanukkah, Jews; Super Solstice, Pagans; Hurray, Human Light Humanists; Joyous Kwanzaa to African Diaspora and to everyone all together -- Happy Holidays. See you at the party!

There. The war on Christmas is officially over.  Peace be the journey.

A Letter to Nick & Savannah

Both of my kids, Nick and Savannah, are reaching milestone birthdays in the next year.  Savannah turns 16 this month and Nick will be 21 in July.  I never miss a chance to “bless” the kids with my own strange mixed bag of life lessons, and I’m pretty sure that they are paying attention, but I thought it might be time to put a few in writing.  Also, writing grand Open Letter statements seems to be all the rage these days so why not write one to my children?

Dear Nick and Savannah,

I may try to guide, mold and yes, at times control you; forgive me, knowing that I only have your best interests at heart and what I believe to be true may not be the best thing for you – remember, I too am working at applying this list in my own life at times. 

1.  Be responsible for your own path.

You are the pilot of your plane, the captain of your vessel – you alone will weather the storms and enjoy the sunny skies. You alone will embrace or shy away from each dawn and each setting sun.  With the taking of responsibility comes strength and power. Know, believe and live each day firm in the knowledge that you and you alone are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions and they carry immense power and impact. Take responsibility and choose wisely.

2. Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone and try new things.

Life is not designed to be comfortable for any amount of time; if you can know, believe and apply this truth, you will find much more joy and far less suffering.  Push your limits, question and face your fears, challenge your beliefs and know: "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." - Neale Donald Walsch. 

3. Let your freak flag fly.

If you allow kindness to guide you, you need not worry about going against the grain – just because everyone is doing something does not make it the right thing to be doing.  Find confidence in your uniqueness, your own authentic expression of self, rather than in your ability to conform.  Follow your heart, be brave, strive to do the right thing, rather than the popular thing.

4. School isn’t as much about English, Science and Math, as it is about witnessing and experiencing a wonderful, devastating, chaotic, coming of age social experiment. 

Don’t get me wrong – your classes & education are important, knowledge is power.  All that I’m saying is that you will gain more life skills outside of the classroom – building strong communication skills and observing how people relate to one another is crucial, this is knowledge that will be applied throughout your life, every day.  Developing your people skills, social skills and intuition will take you just as far, if not farther than anything you take from a text book. And always remember, avoid judging someone based on what it looks like they know on paper.  Knowledge and wisdom can come from a variety of sources. 

5. Don’t believe everything you hear or read. 

This is especially true in the day and age of the internet.  Just because someone posts it doesn’t make it true.  We used to be able to rely on news and media outlets to do responsible fact checking.  Unfortunately, those days are long dead.  You have to be your own fact checker.  If someone passes something along to you, check it out first before you put any believe in it.  If a story sounds too sensational or too outrageous then chances are that it’s not true.  And that also goes for what you hear.  Don’t be too quick to believe what interesting stories or gossip people are willing to pass on.  Remember, if you hear a rumor and take it as fact it’s likely that you can fall victim to the same thing.   

6. Friendships are important, build them. Nurture them.

Surround yourself with people that build you up, rather than put you down. Ensure that those with whom you choose to spend your time are worthy of you; their words, their actions, their values. Know, believe and apply this and you will be supported through all of the adversity, the struggles and the life lessons that will appear on your path. 

7. If you shine a light in all areas of your life, there will be no room for negativity to grow. 

 There will always be people that find fault in you, in their own circumstances, in life in general.  Encourage positivity. Avoid negativity. Focus and spend your energy on positive thoughts and actions. Like attracts like – know, believe, apply. 

8. Sometimes it’s better to just eat the lemon, rather than waste your time making lemonade. 

Often, it is the stuff that doesn’t taste so great that is the best thing for you. Life will continually present you with challenges; these are intended to help you grow, to shine, to find yourself.  Eat the lemon knowing and believing in the fact that although you can’t see it happening, it is providing healing and cultivation.  Life doesn’t always promise sweetness.  Sometimes you have to just square your shoulders and push through. 

9. Keep your mind wide open.

There are not two people in the world who see things in exactly the same way. Be open to new ideas, beliefs, and perspectives. There is something to be learned from everyone that you meet, from each and every situation in which you find yourself.  You can never know what journey another individual is on; avoid judgment – stay open.

10. The more you give, the more you get. 

It is through the giving that you open yourself up to fully receive. When you share your things, your time, your talents with others you will feel a light ignite, warming you up from the inside out. Shine that light.

11. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with you; honor yourself and your body.

The foundation of all relationships is respect.  Without respect, nothing healthy is able to take root. By honoring yourself and your body, recognizing the beauty within and the possibilities available to you, you will ensure that you only allow for relationships that foster your passions and your true self.  The ones, which allow you plenty of room to grow, while still supporting you and sheltering you from the storms.

12. Follow your bliss.

 Take the time to discover what it is that makes you feel alive, what stirs your soul and then follow.  This is not to say that it will be an easy road; however, the adversity that you face will be far less foreboding and threatening when you know, believe in and follow your bliss.

And through it all have fun, laugh, shine and live big. And always, always know that I love and support you in all that you chose to do. My heart swells with love and gratitude for you and all of the possibilities that lie before you.

And when all else fails, LAUGH!

How To Eliminate Poisonous Pals And Identify Frenemies

If you have teens or tweens in your house, you have had to struggle with the issue of the Poisonous Pal.  Mean Girls used to start in High School but these toxic influences seem to be creeping into our children's lives at younger and younger levels.  So how do you help your child deal with navigating those Poisonous Pals and Frenemies?  The first thing you have to do as a parent is to resist tracking down these kids and whispering a few vague but unprovable threats in their ears.  Or maybe that's just me.  When it comes to my kids, I could give any Jersey Mobster a run for their money.

So you have identified that your child may have a toxic relationship.  Since you have already realized that it's not in your best interest to hire on an older kid to talk some sense into your potential target you have to realize that no matter what you do your children will encounter these people in their lives.  You can't control that.  But what you can control is how you teach your child to react to these toxic relationships.  Give them the tools that they need to identify a Poisonous Pal and then the skills needed to handle a person like that.

Have a talk with your child about the friend and ask them the following question:
"Take the friend you have in question, and ask yourself this: 'How do they make me feel?'"

If it’s anything that strays far from “UH-MAZING”, then your friendship needs some evaluating. Friends should leave you feeling inspired and happy. These are the people who are supposed to put you at ease, help you have fun and deal with the challenges of life. If a friend stresses you out, makes you feel like less of a person or exhausts you, then chances are the relationship is not a healthy one.

It’s sometimes hard to see it when you’re in it, so let me lay out these huge red flags:

Poisonous pals ARE NOT PALS AT ALL, and they often bear these traits:

Consistently Negative
There is always something wrong in this person’s life and there is always something to complain about. When it’s not their parents/school/date ruining their life, then they make an effort to point out what they think is wrong in your life. Toxic friends will go out of their way to either boo-hoo or bring down, whether it’s how they’ll never find a job in this economy or reminding you of all the taxes that come with your new raise.

Have No Respect
These “friends” don’t give a hoot about your boundaries, your needs, or anything, for that matter. All they know is what they need from you and that they expect to get it. No is never an acceptable answer, even if you’re only blowing off your day at the mall together to go spend time with your father who has to undergo surgery for cancer. Seems logical to any normal empathetic person, but poisonous pals are not empathetic, they are selfish. If you ever feel that you can’t say no to them, even for a completely valid and fair reason, then it’s time to start planning your escape route.

Your Worst Critic
We’re hard enough on ourselves, we don’t need help from anyone else! Toxic friends get off on that sort of thing. They love scoffing at every out of place hair, putting down your significant other or attacking your latest attempt at a fashion change. You see, real friends don’t care if your hair is messy. They respect your relationships and– get this– they support your ambitions. Staying in a “friendship” with someone who is constantly making you feel bad about yourself is destructive to every part of your life, even if it’s just having the confidence to get out on the dance floor. But when you have to take that big risk, don’t you want a friend who’s there saying, “You can do it”?

Have A Tragedy Every Day
Poisonous people turn normal, every day problems into national disasters. There is always a pending crisis in these people’s lives, even if it’s just a parent forgetting to put their sheets in dryer. Things like hitting red lights all the way home, which is just a part of five o’clock traffic to most of us, can ruin their entire evening. Their negativity spawns from the smallest thing and then spreads from there.

Always A Victim
In your friendship, does everything seem to be your fault, even if it defies all basic logic? Well, toxic friends have a way of never being guilty and never admit to even the smallest of infractions. There is nothing they can do wrong and any problems that they face were obviously caused by someone else. Poisonous people can’t take responsibility for their own actions and manipulate situations and people to pawn the blame on someone else.

If any of these remind you of one of your “friends,” chances are you are suffering from an unhealthy friendship. But on the inside, you probably already knew that. You know when you are being treated badly, it’s just about recognizing these people’s habits that hurt you and having the conviction to stand up for yourself. That’s the hard part, finally finding your voice and putting your foot down. Most of these toxic friends find ways to be controlling, manipulative and downright scary to challenge even when you know you’re in the right.

So, you realize you have to get out of the friendship, but how?

Here are some tips on moving on:

Don’t Cut Them Off All Of A Sudden
This will probably just enrage them which will end up in a huge blow out that will also probably involve them trash talking you from here to Taiwan and making your life a general hell. It will only exacerbate the situation.

Don’t Try To Fix Them
This is a lost cause that will just leave you exhausted from going in circles. As we already discussed, poisonous people are never at fault. They will find a way to be the victim again and manipulate their way back into control of the relationship. These people will never change until they want to change themselves.

Stick Up For Your Yourself
This is easy once you start setting boundaries and being honest, which are not easy to put in place if you’ve been Drama Queen’s door mat for years, but it must be done. If your toxic friend invites you out and you want to stay in tonight and read, tell them that. Tell them you’ve set aside this time for your new book, a trip to the gym, a nice relaxing soak in the tub after a hard week and stick to it! You’re allowed to live your life.

Also, let these people know when you are not comfortable with the way they are acting. The more you speak up about how it bothers you that they are saying terrible things about your mutual friend, the derogatory things they say about your family or whatever other negative ways they impact you, the more strength you give yourself.

Spend Less Time With Them
Get busy. Focus more on school or making plans with some of your friends that are fun– anything that makes you happy! The more time you spend doing things you enjoy or hanging out with people that make you laugh your butt off, the easier it will be to say no to your toxic friend because you now know how easy it is to be happy and have a good time. The less time you spend with them, the less control they have on you.

Detach Emotionally
Now that you are more than aware of how this person is and you are becoming stronger everyday, the easier it will be to detach yourself from the situation and their negative energy. If you realize these are just unhappy people, the way they put you down or make you feel will not have the power it did before. You will be brave enough to walk away and let go, which is exactly what you need to do.

From there on out, only seek out people that make you feel loved and inspired and all the happiness in the world will be yours! Surround yourself with positivity and life will be positively fabulous!

And remember that it's not an easy thing to step away from these friendships.  A truly toxic person is a master at manipulation.  They will try every trick in the book to keep you on the hook because they need you to participate in the unhealthy behavior.  Being toxic isn't much fun without an audience.  They need to pull your strings like a puppet because that control is the reward that they get when they have that power in friendship.  But when it comes right down to it, real friends should lift you up, not knock you down.  Toxic friends might be there to lift you up but only after they knocked you down to begin with and that's not what friendship is all about.

Be aware, be strong and know that you are worthy of being treated like the exceptional person that you are.

The Sochi Games a "Teachable Moment For The World"

 In February, athletes the world over will converge on Sochi, Russia, for the 2014 Winter Olympics. The games will feature athletes seeking to live out their dreams of going for the gold.

For a number of reasons, people have been calling for the government to consider boycotting Sochi because of the controversy surrounding Russia potentially offering whistle-blower Edward Snowden asylum rather than returning him to the United States to face trial.  Others have expressed concerns regarding the country recently enacting new anti-gay laws. LGBT activists asked the U.S. to boycott Sochi for that reason, even though Olympics officials tried to assuage concerns that out athletes and LGBT tourists from other countries might be victims of the new laws.

The idea of boycotting an Olympics obviously is not a new one. In 1980, President Jimmy Carter announced the United States would not send its athletes to Moscow, and the Soviets responded in kind by boycotting the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. The United States has had a longstanding embargo on Cuba shortly after Fidel Castro assumed full dictatorial control over that country.

The respective boycotts of each country's Olympics didn't do much to hurt their respective governments. Carter gave Moscow an ultimatum to withdraw from Afghanistan within one month, while Moscow's boycott was seen as retaliation. The embargo slapped on Cuba by the United States largely prevents American goods and citizens from traveling to Cuba.

In the case of a potential boycott of Sochi, regardless of whether Snowden or the anti-gay laws are the primary reason for implementing it, forbidding American athletes from attending Sochi would hurt the athletes themselves much more than it would damage the prestige of Russia.

Figure skater Johnny Weir wrote an op-ed for "The Falls Church News-Press" in which he called on the United States to decide against a boycott.  "The people that were hurt most by the United State’s decision to boycott the Moscow Olympics in 1980 were the athletes who’d dedicated their lives to possibly having their one life-changing moment in Moscow, in front of the world, where they could display their sporting expertise and themselves as personalities," Weir wrote. He also addressed the sacrifices families make for their otherwise Olympics-bound offspring who would be prevented from competing.  "To have a boycott would not only negate the career of some athletes who have only one chance at competing at the Games, but also the over-time shifts an exhausted father takes to make ends meet, or the social acclimatization of a brother who can’t go on spring break because his brother needed another costume, or the mother who works part-time at a job far beneath her, just so she can afford to watch her first born perform for the world."

Weir also warned against playing politics with a decision about sending a delegation to the Olympics. "The Olympics are not a political statement, they are a place to let the world shine in peace and let them marvel at their youthful talents," he said.

Regardless of whether the Snowden saga or anti-gay laws are the reason for a would-be boycott, actually prohibiting American athletes from traveling to Sochi would be a mistake that would provide further erosion of already fragile relations between Moscow and Washington.

America's most famous openly-gay athlete, diver Greg Louganis, wrote a piece four days ago with the unambiguous headline: "I'm An Openly Gay Gold Medalist and I Reject the Sochi Olympics Boycott".

"Boycotting sends the wrong message and will only harm the hard-working athletes set to compete in the 2014 Olympics, not the Russian government itself," he wrote.  "I know from personal experience. My first Olympics I won Silver at age 16, and then in 1980, at the height of my diving career, President Jimmy Carter opted to boycott the 1980 Olympics in Moscow as a method of protesting the Soviet invasion in Afghanistan. The toll on fellow athletes and me was devastating. We had trained our entire lives for that one moment.  Fortunately, I was lucky enough to continue my diving career and return to compete and win two gold medals in the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles (an Olympics the Eastern Block counties boycotted) and repeat two gold medals in 1988 Olympics in Seoul. But, other athletes were not so lucky. Some of those who missed the 1980 games never had another chance to shine. This boycott hurt the wrong people, taking a toll on prominent athletes more than the country it targeted.  I'm concerned the same would be true today. There are far too many athletes for whom the 2014 Sochi Olympics represents their only chance at success. A boycott will only hurt these athletes' careers."

Louganis said he planned to use the Sochi Games as a "teachable moment for the world".

"As athletes, the most valuable thing we can do is send a strong, unified message to Russia and its president that we will not stand for this cruel and repressive treatment. We will not stop until gay people in Russia are treated with the dignity and respect they deserve," he wrote.

Regardless of whether the Snowden saga or anti-gay laws are the reason for a would-be boycott, actually prohibiting American athletes from traveling to Sochi would be a mistake hurting only lives of the young men and women who have worked so hard and sacrificed so much to get to where they are.  They have waited for this chance to represent their country with pride and to hear the cheers of support from the American people.  Don’t deny them that moment.  There are other ways to make our voices heard and to make it known to the Russian Government that we do not agree with their in-human laws.  But we can’t do it on the backs of these young athletes who are blameless in this war of human rights.  I want to see equality achieved as much as anyone else but I won’t do it by stepping on the back of someone who has sacrificed and worked so hard to achieve a dream.  

Article ~ "How Christianity Became Cool Again"

I have only ever posted my own stuff on my blog but this article was so interesting that I had to post it and pass it along.  It's from The Huffington Post and the author is listed below.  I hope you enjoy!

Paul Brandeis Raushenbush

Senior Religion Editor, The Huffington Post

How Christianity Became Cool Again

Posted: 07/29/2013 12:23 pm

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Christianity, Christianity, Religion and Politics, Desmond Tutu, Pope Francis, Christian Social Justice, Pope Francis LGBT, Pope Francis Gay, Religion and Sexuality, Religion News

Hallelujah! 2013 may be the year that it became cool again to be a Christian.

Given the last several decades of political domination of Christianity by a coalition that described themselves as 'the religious right', it is hard to remember that there was a time in the 20th century when Christians were cool and spoke with a powerful, prophetic voice to the major issues of our day.

There was a time when Christians like Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., the Berrigan brothers, Thomas Merton, Paul Tillich, Dorothy Day, Henri Nouwen, Howard Thurman, Reinhold Niebuhr and John Paul XXIII offered the basic framework for what Christianity meant to the world.

Collectively, these men and women offered some of the most philosophically deep and socially relevant thought of any kind. They inspired a generation of young people to work in racial reconciliation, environmentalism, economic justice, and anti-war activism. They fed the spirit, while also walking in Jesus' way of justice and peace.

In those days you could say you were a Christian and the above names might come to the mind of the listener -- and they were cool; meaning relevant, compelling, edgy, and forward thinking.

Sadly, that has not been true in recent history. And it has infected the American psyche so much so that when a stranger tells even me, a Christian pastor, that they are a Christian it puts me on edge. Imagine what it must do to a person of another faith or someone who don't subscribe to any religion.

This has been helped by the media who, when they have wanted a 'real Christian' on the show, turned to Jerry Falwell, Tony Perkins or James Dobson resulting in a Christian profile that represented a large, but by no means universal Christian outlook.

The generic Christian profile that has emerged over these last decades has been someone who does not believe in the equality between men and women, degrades LGBT people, is opposed to science, especially in regards to evolution or climate change, is suspicious of people of other faiths and no faith, and is pro-militarism in foreign policy.

In short, it has been a while since it has been cool to be Christian.

Well, 2013 may be the year that changes.

This week has been a particularly cool Christian week. To start with the amazing Pope Francis took advantage of his time in Rio for World Youth Day to make sure he visited the nearby favela (slum), a prison, and a drug addict center. While there, he continued his habit of speaking about the poor and inequality in a powerful, focused way that no world leader of any kind has for a long time:

No one can remain insensitive to the inequalities that persist in the world!. No amount of peace-building will be able to last, nor will harmony and happiness be attained in a society that ignores, pushes to the margins or excludes a part of itself.

In other words: No justice, no peace.

Pope Francis has consistently taken on the injustice in the world's financial systems and the indifference the world has towards the poor and the outcaste. Noticeably absent from the Pope's discourse has been the rights and dignity of gay people -- until Monday when the Pope shocked the world by saying "Who am I to judge gay people" and opened the door to gay priests and a basic softening of the church's hardline stance against LGBT peoples.

Cool.

The Pope was not the only world religious leader to make news this week on gay issues. On Friday, Archbishop Desmond Tutu rocked people's mind when he said that he would rather go to hell than a homophobic heaven. The icon of the anti-Apartheid movement made the comments at the launch of a United Nations gay rights program in South Africa:

I would not worship a God who is homophobic and that is how deeply I feel about this. I am as passionate about this campaign as I ever was about apartheid. For me, it is at the same level.

Really cool.

But these are just the latest headlines that are bubbling up with cool Christians doing relevant compelling things. The United Church of Christ has voted to divest from fossil fuelcompanies, the Episcopal Church is headed by an amazing woman who is both a scientist and pastor and who is spearheading the conversation between science and religion;

Evangelicals are taking the lead on climate change, the American Bishops are lobbying for immigration reform, the Patriarch Bartholomew is known as the 'Green Patriarch' for his work on the environment, Christians are involved with innovative and crucial dialogue with people of other faiths and no faiths; and pastors and priests across the country and the world are ministering to broken people with love and compassion every day.

Christianity is cool again.

Here is one case in point. On Gay Pride Sunday in New York I invited a couple of my colleagues to a church where a friend of mine is the pastor. They were having a 'disco mass' and I thought my friends might be intrigued enough to go. They were.

We had a great time at the church. My friends fell in love with the pastor whose style was relaxed and hip, and whose sermon was smart and compelling. They loved the community feel of the congregation, and they thought the ideas they heard there a good way to start gay pride.

Mind you, neither of them had been to church of their own volition -- ever. And they may never go back to church. I really don't care -- they are wonderful, spiritual, and ethical people -- I don't need them to become Christian.

However, by being there they understood a little more about why I am Christian, and how Christianity guides the way I view the world and do the things I do. And even with that short glimpse they respected my faith more than they had before.

If more Christians can speak out the way Pope Francis and Archbishop Tutu have this week and so many have been in recent memory -- it will change the way people view Jesus and the faith that he inspires in so many of us.

And that will be so cool.

The Art of Letting Go, And Other Impossible Tasks

Many years ago, the summer after my senior year of high school, my parents took me and my friend Dusti on a trip to a beautiful place in Canada called Prince Edward Island.  (If you haven’t heard of it, look it up.  Go there.   You won’t be disappointed as it is definitely worth the trip.)  Were I to go to this paradise at the age I am now, I would probably have enjoyed the history, buildings, and architecture more.  And even though it wasn't at the top of my list, I do have a lasting memory of how beautiful and peaceful and significantly untouched the island was at the time.  I remember we were driving down to the docks to get some fresh seafood to cook and the driver in front of us pulled over to let us pass.  Not because they were angry, not because we were speeding, and not because of safety issues; but simply because they were happy to be going a certain speed and pulled over with a smile and a cheery wave as if to say, “Good day to you!  I just feel like cruising along here so you go right along around me and enjoy your day!”  That happened several times while we were there, always with a hearty wave and a warm smile.   I look back on that now and think that more often we need to not care about how fast we are going but rather enjoy the “getting there” part.  There is some bumper sticker platitude out there about enjoying the journey and not the destination but I digress terribly as this blog has absolutely nothing to do with what I've talked about so far, other than the first part is something I learned on that trip.

So, like Bill Cosby would so often say, “I told you that story to tell you this one.” 

As I mentioned, while in Prince Edward Island (or PEI, as the cool kids say) Dusti and I were more interested in what the beach and water had to offer than in what the historical buildings had to offer.  One day we were lucky enough to run into a group of possibly unsuitable companions who were friends with the local guy who ran the marina.  I say “possibly unsuitable” because the only thing we knew about them is that they were cute, surfers, Australian and ran a surf-wear business called “Cousin Smoothies Surf Shoppe”.  I know, right?  Impressive.  Anyhow, they managed to arrange a day out on the water for us.  We had access to every possible motorized or sail driven water toy that you could think of and we had a blast.  The last part of the day we attempted (mostly unsuccessfully) to water ski.  The number one rule of water skiing is to learn how to let go when you fall.  Seriously, that is the most difficult part to learn.  They explained to us that the natural instinct is to hold onto the bar when you fall.  I thought, “Well that’s dumb.  Of course you’d let go.”  But sure enough, the first time I fell I clung on for dear life and I imagine that I looked somewhat like a gopher tunneling under the water.  I didn't let go until it registered to me that everyone on the boat was screaming, “LET GO!  LET GO!”  So the second time around I was sure that I would instantly let go.  But no, I didn't.  I clung on to that bar and had to force myself to release my grip.  Time after time, I fell and each time I had to give myself that mental slap and think, “LET GO!”  I learned two things that day: 1. I can’t water ski and 2. They really weren't kidding about that “natural instinct” thing.

Now, I told you THAT story to tell you this one.

One problem that I find myself facing over and over in life is letting go.  It’s kind of a thing for me.  Sometimes it’s a good thing because I hang in there with people when sometimes others have given up and walked away.  Sometimes it’s a bad thing when I can’t let go of hurt or anger.  So the theme of letting go has been on my mind a lot lately.  It’s something that I feel I constantly need to practice.

A few days ago, Savannah and I were having a disagreement.  Shocking right?  A parent and a teen disagreeing?  What we were talking about isn't even significant.   What was significant was the back and forth that we were in.  It went on much longer than it should have and neither one of us would stop.  Two days later neither one of us even remembers what we were going back and forth about.  But this I do remember, when we finally got to the point where we separated, I felt totally exhausted.  As if I’d been swimming for miles.  Frustrated and completely worn out I posted this on Facebook:

“Trying to have a logical conversation with an emotional teen is like trying to save a hysterical person from drowning. You go into it with good intentions but eventually you realize that it is completely futile and eventually you wind up being pulled under along with them.   (I also like the analogy that it's like trying to nail jell-o to a tree but I didn't come up with that one.)”

I still mean what I posted on Facebook and I try to look at most parenting things with humor.  But my comment about drowning made me pull up that memory of my long ago attempt at skiing.  Wow, that could not be any more accurate of my discussion with Savannah although I had no one on the boat yelling, “LET GO!  LET GO!”  And I did feel as if I had been pulled under water for a good mile or two.  And whose fault was that?  One hundred percent mine!  Luckily, I am already fairly self-aware that letting go is not a strong suit for me.  It’s great when it’s done in a positive manner and in that respect it’s one of my best traits.  However, when it comes to letting go of the negative stuff, I could use a few more lessons.  I have come to really believe that one of the real keys to happiness is learning when to let go.

The truth is Happiness isn't something you attain. Happiness is a natural state of being we have forgotten how to nurture and experience. And then when we sometimes experience happiness for no good reason, we are unable to prolong it, to hold on to it and make it stay around.  That’s the difference between knowing when to hang on and when to let go.

I wrote down a few things that I think are pretty important on the “Letting Go” list.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a master of this list.  It’s very much a work in progress.  Some I have mastered and some are a bit more within my reach.  Perhaps one day I’ll be a “Letting Go Master” and create some kind of badge for myself.

Until then here it is, the “Letting Go” list according to Christie: 

1) Let go of the guilt you have been needlessly carrying about. It serves no purpose anyway as the action or inaction you feel guilty for cannot be undone. You can, however, vow to change and not act in a way you think is unwise in the future. Love yourself and do not judge yourself. Forgive yourself.

2) Let go of hatred. Let go of hatred for yourself, for others, for what has been done to you, for what you perceive has been done to you…pretty much anything hate filled needs to go out the window.  Carrying anger and hate will shorten your life.  Don’t believe me?  Google this:  Physical Effects of Stress on Your Body.

3) Let go of jealousy. What can it matter what any other person has if they do not possess happiness (and very few people do)? What does it matter if your lover has left you and is now with another? Let go of the jealousy and rejoice in their new found joy. Find your own joy. Find peace of mind by letting go of YOUR jealousy.

4) Let go of desire for things. Things are not evil. Things are not bad. But telling yourself you cannot be happy without a bigger house, a faster car or a better looking wife or richer husband is a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness!  Be happy with what you have and where you are.  If you find yourself constantly changing jobs, relationships, friendships, or where you live; chances are the happy you are looking for needs to be found in yourself first before you go trying to find it somewhere else. 

5) Let go of resentment. It is really a form of hatred. No, that mean bully that beat you up every day at school in the 7th grade was not a good person. But hating them or resenting what others have done to you gives a place for hatred to grow within you and that hatred and resentment will keep happiness out.  Bless those who have done you wrong. Pray for them to find freedom from whatever is keeping them from being happy and you will open the door for more joy than you ever knew was possible.

6) Can’t let it go?  Then let that go too.  No one is perfect.  If you are having trouble letting go of something don’t give up, just give it time, look at it from a different angle, or put it on a mental shelf until you are ready to actually let it go.  It’s not always easy and you need to give yourself permission to be a work in progress. 

Most importantly is the one thing that you can NEVER let go of, Hope.  There is always another path or another solution.  It might not be the one you thought you were looking for but part of letting go is learning to live a more relaxed and flexible life.  And if you’re looking around and think that maybe you did let go of your hope, give me a holler on Facebook.  We’ll look for it together. 

Let go of all negative thoughts and attitudes and your life will change. The light will enter and fill your entire being and the root cause of unhappiness will forever be rooted out. Happiness is a flower that must be cultivated and with practice you will learn to... just... let... go.

You ARE Worthy

It has been said that we get our ideas of our own self worth from the people in our lives that mean the most to us. We can also get our beliefs about ourselves from those we meet casually or even just once. Impressions that people make on us can have a profound impact on our self image. In other words, if the people in our lives give us a sense that they love us and we mean something to them, then we feel like we have value and are worth something.

The problem with that thinking is that over the course of time people's feelings change. People's opinions can shift. If you truly base your own self worth on someone else's perspective, what might happen to you (mentally) if those same people turn their backs on you? What might you do if one of those people is your spouse and now they want a divorce? How do you reconcile the fact that the person who promised to love you forever, no longer does? 

How do you judge your self worth if you've been laid off of fired from a job you hard at and meant a great deal to you?  What do you do when even if only subconsciously, the person you have entrusted with your self worth moves away, leaves you, lets you down, or dies?

People also have a bad habit of attributing their sense of worth and self esteem to the material things they have been able to achieve in life, or more to the point; what they have not been able to achieve. People often have a skewed perception that the accumulation of money, wealth and things puts a higher value on their own lives. Things don't make people happy nor do they raise or lower your own value.

Believing that your self worth comes from others or other things can be problematic. You can be trapped in a vicious cycle of never living up to your own potential because you are constantly searching in the wrong direction to get the approval from those that matter in your life. You are not here on Earth to live your life through other people. This is your life and you have the God-given right to live it as you please. If you spend your life trying to always accumulate the next big electronic that hits the market or that new car in the showroom, you will never have the time to sit back and enjoy what you already have. Instead you will be a complainer. Always voicing your opinion about what is not right with the stuff you have. "I wish I had this," and "I need this". You are so worried about what other people have compared to you. You'll wind up a bitter, unhappy person that most people won't even want to be around.

Your self worth should never be determined by what other people think. You are not a commodity whose value changes with the whim of a fickle market. There is nothing wrong with you when people reject you or people hurt you. Have you lost the value that you had yesterday because today someone no longer wants to be your friend? No, I suspect the problem might be with the other person. Are you somehow worth less today than you were yesterday because someone today cursed you out? Of course not. You are the same special person you have always been. Their opinion has changed or their feelings but you haven’t changed.

Never allow what others say about you or what someone does to you to affect the way you feel about yourself. There is not another you anywhere else in existence. When people let you down. When things don’t go your way. When people curse you, bless them. When people reject you, know that you deserve to be loved just the way you are. By putting a stop to the ugliness and bitterness that causes them to act the way they do you prevent their words and actions from dragging you under.  You should never let someone else’s attitude problem or their hatred tear you down. 

Don’t believe me? Have you ever been in a great mood only to lose it when someone in a bad mood enters the room and their mood permeates the room? Now their behavior and attitude has rubbed off on everyone else. You’ve allowed someone else to dictate to you what kind of mood to have. 

Turn the tables on them and don’t allow them to affect you. Ignore them. Concentrate on what is good in life. Instead of letting that person dictate your actions, you be in control and affect their mood for the better.

Don’t allow other people to determine your self worth. Don’t let your circumstances dictate to you your self esteem. Don’t allow Hollywood, the internet, your spouse, your parents, your children or even your own perception of yourself to determine your self worth. You need to know that your inner beauty far out weighs what people see on the outside. Your compassion and empathy towards others far surpass your self loathing or self pity.

Understand that you don’t need permission from someone else to know that you are worthy.  You are worthy simply “because” and not for any other reason.  Don’t wait for someone to bestow that upon you.  Gift yourself with the knowledge that no one can give or take away your worth.  


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Do We Really “Just Need Love”?

“Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new…, all the time, made new…” 

~ Amy E. Dean

I was watching a romantic movie last night (one I'd seen probably over 20 years ago) and it occurred to me that back then all I thought about watching that movie was the single fact that they were so “in love”.  Now with a few more years on me and a different view of the world I still enjoyed the movie but I thought, “What next?  All they have is love.  Is that really enough?”  Of course I was, as usual, over thinking a basic concept.  It was just a movie and just a story and all the story needed was love.  But in real life that’s not the case is it?  

Driving in to work to supervise an event today the song “All You Need Is Love” came on the radio.  How fitting considering what had been on my mind the night before.  Love really isn't all you need when it comes to a long term relationship.  Love may be the glue that binds at first but it’s not what sustains us.  It’s not what feeds us and keeps us going.  It’s not what makes it in the long term.  

People often say that love conquers all, but what does that really mean? Does it mean that if you love someone, you forgive all their wrongs and stand by their side?  Does it mean if you love someone enough, nothing in life can tear you apart – not even the really bad stuff? If love conquers all, it should mean that two people who love each other can overcome any obstacle, right?  After all, there is no force stronger than love.

Yet, as powerful as I think love is, I just don’t believe that love conquers all.  Sure, love is some pretty good stuff, but to say it conquers all – well, that’s just a bit much. I don’t think love is enough to carry a couple through all the hard times and all the complicated issues in life.  Love can serve as a foundation (a very strong foundation), but if that is all you've got, good luck.

Unfortunately, I think so many people end up in failing marriages because they honestly got into it thinking that love was enough.  It’s understandable since love can give us this sense of being able to conquer anything. Yet, the truth is, love just reminds us of why we are in a relationship.  Love gives us the strength and courage we need to fight for our relationships.  It doesn't, however, give us everything we need to make it work.

So, when all is said and done, love just isn't enough.  If couples took more time to understand each other a little bit better, and nourish the qualities and skills that can make their partnerships stronger, they would go a lot further as a team.  Even something as awesome as love can use a little back up.

So, what else matters if you have love?  A lot.  In addition to loving someone, no matter how much you do, I think there just has to be more.

So what are some key ingredients needed to help feed a relationship?  I think that other elements should include:

You need to be a team.

You need to make sure the other person feels that they can count on you. 

You need to communicate well.

You need to respect each other.

You need to be able to laugh at yourself.

You need to roll with the punches.

You need to appreciate each other.  

You need to be able to compromise.  

And, most importantly, you have to understand that life can get complicated and you want to be with someone who will stand by your side to help you figure it out.  You need to know that the person you are with will carry their share of “the load” whether that’s regarding your relationship, parenting, joys, sorrows, or even just the day to day responsibilities of life.  It’s not always 50/50.  That’s the other thing that people don't get.  Some days it’s 80/20 and one person might have more on their plate.  But then the next day things will shift and the other person takes up a little more of the slack.  The key is to be able to know that you and your partner are going to be there for each other for the long haul.  If only one person is putting in the time, energy, and emotion then that is a recipe for disaster.  With one person plugged in and the other tuned out, no matter how much love is there, a person can only carry on that way for so long before they reach a breaking point.   

Don't get me wrong; I know that loving someone is some pretty powerful stuff.  However, my experience has shown me that just loving each other is not enough to carry you through everything that life will throw your way.  Love is an excellent foundation.  It certainly is needed if your relationship stands a chance.  But, it is just a main ingredient, on a list of ingredients, which will make this recipe for your relationship work.

So what do you all think?  I just came up with a short list of what I think makes a relationship tick and last for the long haul.  But I’d be interested to see what other people have to add.  Everyone has a different angle based on their experience in life.  So what is yours?  

The Geography of Hate

Twitter has the capacity to ignite revolutions and enable small acts of kindness, but there's also a darker side to the microblogging network.

Floating Sheep, a group of geography academics, created the "Geography of Hate," which maps racist, homophobic and ableist tweets in the U.S. After searching for all geotagged tweets in North America between June 2012 and April 2013, students at Humboldt State University manually read and coded the sentiment of each tweet to determine if a specific word was used in a positive, negative or neutral way. In a blog post, Floating Sheep cited "dyke" as an example: While the word is a homophobic slur against lesbian people, it can also be used positively (e.g. "dykes on bikes #SFPride).

In total, over 150,000 geotagged tweets contained a hateful slur that was deemed negative. Using the data, Floating Sheep determined the ratio of hateful tweets to overall tweets in each county.

"Hateful tweets were aggregated to the county level and then normalized by the total number of tweets in each county. This then shows a comparison of places with disproportionately high amounts of a particular hate word relative to all tweeting activity," the group said.

Orange County, Calif., for example, has the highest absolute number of tweets containing slurs, but due to its high level of overall Twitter activity, the hateful tweets are less prominent, and therefore are not that conspicuous on the map.

Floating Sheep has three main categories of hateful tweets — homophobic, racist and disability — under which are subcategories for specific slurs. Click through the detailed map, here. And for in-depth analysis of the results, read the entire blog post, here.

I saw this map earlier this week and I was already planning on studying it more thoroughly to be able to post this blog.  Then today my daughter posted this picture:

At first I thought, "Oh wow, that's great!"  Then it hit me that we shouldn't have to have a day set aside to remind us to treat people with respect and dignity no matter what their race, gender, age, or sexuality.  Shouldn't we just know that?  Shouldn't we be beyond this?  Well, look at the map above and obviously we aren't.  Not by a long shot.  How about we have a "Don't Be Afraid of Someone Just Because They Are Different Than You" Day?  

We need to learn to not be threatened by someone whose opinion is different than our own.  And that falls on all sides of the spectrum.  You have gay folks judging Christians because they automatically assume that they are not an ally.  And then again you have Christians whose hearts might be a little more open if they would stop and listen and understand that the "gay agenda" does not include the overthrow of any of their institutions. Your church will still be your church and no one is going to come in and change it.  You still get to believe what you want to believe.  

So for all those people above Tweeting and hiding behind the anonymity that the internet provides I would ask that you consider the following before you fill the internet with your vitriol and hate:

Stop The Persecution 101 

• Please do not use the bible, hell, or any other religious beliefs to try to prove your argument or to disprove someone else's argument.  We should only impose our religious beliefs on ourselves, not on others.  Plus, no one completely and totally lives the bible as written.  For every verse you can find I can find another that shows your faults, flaws, and sins.  Let's go beyond not throwing the stones and just leave them on the ground in the first place.
  
• Please refrain from using the 'slippery slope argument' (ie. "if we allow gay couples to live freely and give them the same marital rights that heterosexual couples enjoy, we open the door to paedophilia and beastiality". Not only is comparing homosexuality to a sexual perversion totally unacceptable and unfair, it is an erroneous and foolish assumption.
  
• History tells us Black people were enslaved, persecuted and killed due to hate until it became not so fashionable. Gay people are as I write, being persecuted and killed due to hate. So what's the difference?  Stop and think about what you are saying and ask yourself what side of history you want to be on.  There was a time not so long ago that bi-racial marriage was illegal and people fought for change then just as we fight for change now.  

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

To see more MLK Quotes Click Here.